Newborn Babies Are Ugly

I'm sure about half of the people who clicked this link did so because they recently had a child or a family member recently had a child or they recently found a child on the side of the road or something and they're thinking, "You, Alene, are a numbskull. Babies are cute. Look how cute my baby is." I should probably start out by saying I'm sorry, people who recently kidnapped a baby, but you are blinded by love and therefore have no say in the matter at this time.

Babies - not talking two year-olds but actual, fresh-out-the-womb babies - are ugly.

Let's look at exhibit A:
















I'm sorry, that's a really terrible example because that is the most gorgeous child I've ever seen. (It's me.) To be fair, I'm not actually "fresh-out-the-womb" here. But I couldn't let you miss out on the opportunity to see this absolute gem of a photograph.

Here's exhibit B, a photo of me right after being birthed from the canal:





















Okay, I actually couldn't find a picture of me that young, but this is close enough. Babies (and I guess old people too if you're going to be an argumentative a-hole) are the human equivalent of raisins. And no one in the history of ever has ever called a raisin "cute."

I bring up this baby issue because I always have to laugh when people comment on Facebook photos and tell someone that their baby photo (you know, the one where the baby is practically still covered in slime and the new mother looks like she just shoved a watermelon out of unmentionable places?) is super adorable. I can't deny the fact that I've done this a time or two. But really, when we say it, do we mean it? I mean, yes, babies are tiny versions of people, which I guess is almost, sort-of, in a way an aspect of cuteness. But they're not mini-jar-of-Cheez-Whiz-cute (those little jars make toast a more adorable meal!) I don't even know the difference between your little bundle of joy and the bundle of joy that ruined my entire Boston Pizza experience by screaming and crying and pooping.

And it's not even like newborns do anything fun. They just blink and blow spit bubbles, which I'm sure is totally great if you're one of the people who contributed the ingredients for making this kid, or one of the people who distracted the doctor while your partner stole it. And that's exactly why recent parents or hijackers (?) of children are not allowed a say in this. You're too emotionally involved.

And here's the other thing - human babies are possibly the wimpiest things in the entire animal world. I think they're second only to baby opossums:

Freaking disgusting, right? But at least opossums have the excuse of only being in the womb for 12 days. 12. That was not a typo. 12 days. Humans are in there for almost 300 (Look, we're learning things!) and they still won't be mature enough to do your evil bidding for at least a few years after they're born.

And of course, there is a point where kids are cute. That point comes somewhere between when they learn to walk and when they learn to talk. Other than that, they're either a raisin, or a dirty, snot-covered brat. (I really do apologize if I offend people. But the internet is a place for honesty and truth-telling.)

Afterword:
Maybe, one day, when I give birth to my own child (fingers crossed that they've figured out teleportation at that point and can just beam the thing out of me) I'll feel differently about the matter. But at that point my opinion will not matter because it will have been compromised by the little angel who "has my eyes." (How the flying Fudgesicle can you even tell?!?! The thing's face is just a bunch of raisin folds that kind of resemble a human being.)

Cosmetics are the Biggest Waste EVER.

I have no idea who reads this and who doesn't, but the important thing to know before we start off this rant is that I wear zero makeup. Nothing. The only exception to this is grade 8 grad and prom. Oh, and a few unfortunate acne days where coverup was necessary for me to function. Wait! Stop right there. That's the perfect sentence to sum up the problem with cosmetics. They're necessary for some people to function. But why?

Makeup (and other junk in the makeup family) is the most wasteful product there is (this is my opinion so it's obviously right.) At least plastic bags carry stuff and can be used again (Side note - Toronto is attempting to ban plastic bags. What are they going to put in the little garbage cans in the bathroom then?) Same with bottles. They can be recycled, and at least they had a purpose to begin with. These are the products people are concerned about, but no one ever mentions makeup and how it's totally pointless. Hold it, ladies who want to argue with me, I haven't explained myself yet.

Makeup is virtually pointless. Okay, so you have bags under your eyes or maybe you emerged from the more unfortunate end of the gene pool but so what? Eventually, the people who you love (I'm talking about men, dummies) are going to see you without makeup, and they're going to have to deal with what you really look like. So why lie to them with makeup in the first place? (That's right, I said LIE.) I place makeup in the same category as the pushup bra. The LIE category.

"But if I don't wear makeup he's going to go for that hot looking chick who is wearing makeup." This is true. Maybe someday women will give up on makeup and this won't be an issue. But until then, yes, you may lose some conquests to that girl with the glittery eyelashes. But don't worry, because their relationship will be built on LIES and will end in a messy breakup, broken dishes and running mascara. (Did I just point out ANOTHER bonus of no makeup?)

Okay, but here's where we start with the real issues. Resources, duh! Think about the stuff that goes into making makeup, and don't even get me started on the packaging. Ugh, it's so frustrating how much stuff is wasted. And then think about all the stuff that you buy but you never use. And it's expensive (I assume, as I've never bought my own.)

This brings us to money. Did you know that the amount of money spent on cosmetics in one year (that would be about 7 billion dollars, I did the research for you) could be used to fund education for more than a billion African children? Now you feel like a total jerk, don't you? But let's bring it back and talk about something a little closer to home. How about those people who are on welfare, or with crappy jobs who complain that they don't have a lot of money. Well, excuse me, lady, but I don't give a flying fingernail file about your problem if you're wearing a ton of makeup (I'll make this same annoyed statement if I ever choose to write about lottery tickets.) Obviously you have enough money to pay for your glitter. (This is being too hypocritical, maybe, but leave me alone, I'm proving a point.)

Of course, you can apply everything I've said to home renovations and decorations, clothing and gardens and this blog too. It's about looking good and feeling good, right? I'm just saying, it's not that important, and if we all stopped bothering with it, then it wouldn't matter. People would be beautiful just the way they are and blah blah blah. And we would have billions of extra dollars kicking around and WAY less monkeys running around with shiny red lips and pink nails. Right? Right. I know this hasn't convinced any of you, but I had to get it out of my brain.

Alene

Everybody Wants To Be A Cat - Reasons I Should Get A Cat

My brothers and I are in the process of convincing our mother that we need a new cat, as our current feline is getting a bit old and a lot grouchy. So, here are the 10 best reasons I can think of for getting a cat.

1. The possibilities of hilarious shenanigans are endless. Oh look, the cat is eating the aloe vera plant. Cute! The cat just puked up aloe vera plant! And that's probably just the beginning of the craziness that a young, hip cat would bring to the house!

2. For some reason, once you've experienced cat hair in all of your food, there's just something a little off about food without cat hair. It just adds a special something, you know?

3. The ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiife! Reenacting the classic Lion King moment just isn't the same if you're using a dog or a stuffed animal or someone's kid.

4. Naps with cats. That furry little body is the best for cuddling. Experience a real cat nap.

5. Cat's powerful claws provide many important services such as vermin extermination and furniture remodelling.

6. Cats very rarely sniff butts like stuuuupid dogs.

7. Remember all your unused flashlights?! Cats provide hours of flashlight fun. Just point at the floor and be entertained. (Batteries not included.)

8. You're not not gonna make your cat dance on tables and play the drums to entertain your guests. Have all the BEST parties!

9. If you're like me, you HATE all the effort it takes to unroll the toilet paper every time. Cats are the ultimate time and energy savers. They'll unravel the toilet paper for you at the low low price of a scratch between the ears and a fresh fish.

10. Cats are basically little tigers, and that's pretty cool.

And feel free to mention any other reasons you can think of. Mother needs convincing!