I Don't Give A Fork

Forks are, in my opinion, one of the most unnecessary human inventions.

Now you're probably coming up with all kinds of foods that you think require forks because they are messy. (For example, waffles, chicken parm, pasta, salad, etc.) But now I'm going to name a few "finger-foods" that can be equally as messy: S'mores, beaver tails, chillidogs, etc. 

Basically everything can be eaten with your hands. (I'll talk about spoons in a minute, just hold your freaking horsies.) You just have to get over this weird fear that people have of getting food on your hands. Want to know what's really tasty? Licking spaghetti sauce/pie filling/peanut butter/whatever off your fingers when you're done eating. 

Seriously, eating and classiness should not go together. I often find that my inner ravenous beast comes out when I'm eating, so I don't want to be held back by strategically gathering up my pasta with a pronged utensil. I want to use my extremely versatile fingers to scoop that stuff up and shove it in my mouth. But society says that this isn't allowed. We aren't allowed to go to East Side Mario's and cram handfuls of pasta into our pieholes with our hands because we would be gawked at and possibly even asked to leave. By why? Why do you care what method of transportation I use to get sustenance off my plate and into my mouth?

Fancy restaurants are overrated. Have you ever seen Eat St.? Holy, the food on that show looks amazing. And all of it is messy and none of it is fancy but everyone who is even in the vicinity of the food is happy as a clam. Have you ever been to a fancy restaurant? The portions are small and the food is placed in such a way that you don't even want to touch it because clearly someone just spent ten minutes balancing your steak on top of a scallop and drizzling just the right amount of sauce (or something. Do those go together?) And everyone is so "polite" or "dainty" or "anorexic" that they only eat 2 of their 5 $30 pasta shells and three pieces of lettuce (but mysteriously the wine is all gone.)

Okay, so, back to utensils. Spoons. Spoons are used for slightly messier foods, ones that are more liquidy, in case you weren't sure. However, that are not necessary. I wouldn't necessarily suggest eating soup with your hands although it IS possible. But some of it may drip through the cracks and wasting is shameful. However, here's a fun tip: soup can be drunk (Drank? Drinked?) just like water (with big chunks floating in it.) And yogurt/pudding/ice cream/etc. can all be eaten with your hands, I've done it. 

Knives? Butter knives are dumb. They can barely even be used as weapons. Just slather it on there with your fingers. Whatever.

"But who cares whether or not we use forks and spoons?" Lot's of people. Think of how many resources are used up by manufacturing utensils. They're constantly being lost and broken so people need new ones. A monkey could find a lost fork and use it to stab out the eyeball of the monkey king. (Monkeys have monarchies right?) And plastic utensils?! They get left in landfills to pump toxins into the environment and dolphins are probably choking on them in the ocean.

And think about how much time could be saved if we didn't have to teach toddlers how to manage forks? We could just let them go ahead with their primal instincts and use their chubby little hands. (Shut up, people who point out that monkeys shove sticks into anthills. That's not even the same thing and you know it.) Plus there's no more need to embarrass yourself with airplane/choo choo train sounds while you're feeding your kid.

I think the main idea to take away from all this, however, is that society puts too much pressure on us while we're eating. Eating is one of the most natural things we can do. Do you think cavemen took the time to arrange their food and strategically place their cutlery before meals? No! Do you think they wiped their mouths on their napkins and held in their burps until they were alone in the bathroom later? No! Do you think they casually sipped their chardonnay with one pinky out? No!

I think we should all go back to our roots, and eat with our hands. We have soap and we have handwashing tutorial videos on Youtube. There is no reason that we should be afraid of germs. In fact, in a lot of cases, I question the cleanliness of cutlery in restaurants. I'm willing to bet that the guy whose credit card didn't work, who is paying off his bill by cleaning dishes in the back, isn't doing a very good job.

So, at your next dinner party, remember to not give a fork and eat with your hands.

What's Rock and Roll Anyway?

Anyone who has had anything to do with me on social media sites knew that this post was coming.

Whenever someone asks me what my favourite band is, I fully expect eye rolls and scoffing when I tell them that it's Fall Out Boy. Apparently it's "cool" to hate FOB. Or, it was.

But really, hating on Fall Out Boy is so 2008.

Or, it was.

Now, after a five year hiatus, the boys are back together and they have released a new album called Save Rock And Roll. Although, if you spend a lot of time in certain regions of the internet, you may be coerced into believing that they've sliced rock and roll's neck, thrown it in the back of a sedan and driven that sedan off a cliff instead of saving it.

Now, I can't be bothered with signing up for every website in order to argue against these buffoons who think they wrote the book on rock and roll and have a say in what is and isn't part of the genre. So, I've decided to write this.

This is a quote from a really good review of the new album on albsolutepunk.net:

"Elvis Presley was one quoted as saying, "Rock and Roll music, if you like it, if you feel it, you can't help but move to it." And while the internet will be plastered with reviews of this record taking issue with the band releasing an album that has the audacity to call itself Save Rock And Roll, the King already described every listen I've had with this album. I've worn out the soles in my shoes from tapping my foot so damn hard." - Jason Tate

I suggest you check out the whole review because, if nothing else, it's entertaining.

These guys are 30 years old. If they were still making pop-punk they would be a complete joke. (I'm talking to you, Jimmy Eat World. Sorry.) And as Jay-Z said, "N***** want my old s***, buy my old albums." Pop-punk is dying. And I hate to say it, because I love it. (I bought an old Brand New album not too long ago and jammed out to it hard. I don't know what the point of this factoid is. I think I just wanted to say "old Brand New album.") There's a time and place for pop-punk. And unfortunately 2013 is neither. However, if you really want it, there are still countless bands trying to make pop-punk happen, just do a quick search on iTunes.

And there's nothing wrong with changing your sound. In the same way that you don't listen to Barney and Friends' Greatest Hits anymore, your favourite bands may have had a change in their musical tastes. I think we can all understand and respect that.

Let's talk about Train in Vain by The Clash. That song was so punk rock, right? I'm really glad The Clash never strayed from their punk sound. It would have been just awful if they had decided to try their hand at a pop song. I'm sure it would have sounded terrible and never would have ranked #298 on The Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list. (*shakes head*)

Or *pulls artists name from hat* Taylor Swift! She made a purely pop album but was still nominated for country music awards. And it was the pop music lovers who cut that album apart. Country fans ate it up, for the most part. Although, to be fair, I think country fans are a little more easy going when it comes to pop music than rock fans are.

But who cares about genres anyway? Why can't we just listen to a song and like it or dislike it? Why do we have to categorize it and rip it apart for not being part of a certain genre? Who cares!? A genre is a concept that was invented so we can easily discover new bands to like. There is no genre better than another. It's all relative to who you are and what sounds your ears like to hear. Some studies say that we like certain music based on our normal heart rate and other biological stuff. For example, I am generally not a fan of slow songs. Nothing against the artist or the art of writing a ballad. I just prefer a faster song. This makes sense if we take the heart rate theory into consideration.

And besides, these days there are too many subgenres and mixing of genres to even get a clear view of where bands belong. Why do bands have to belong anywhere? You're not the boss of them.

"Your old stuff was better" arguments aside, there are those who will always, no matter what, hate Fall Out Boy. "They're the worst band ever. They couldn't write a good song if it kicked them in the knee. Pete Wentz is a dick. Patrick used to be fat lol."

But it's funny, because somehow this terrible band has managed to sell out every single show on their comeback tour. Within hours of releasing the tickets. I would love to see all of these amateur internet critics take their s****y garage bands on tour and sell out a hole-in-the-wall pub, let alone any sizeable venue.

Even Nickelback, who, according to Twitter, is the worst band that ever existed, fills arenas every night. What's that about? Is it possible that they make music that certain people can relate to and enjoy? (I like Nickelback's old stuff. They're a bit repetitive though. They should take a page from FOB's book and change it up a bit. But of course, then everyone would hate them for changing. It's tough out there.)

But, at the end of the day, Fall Out Boy didn't make this album for you. They made it for themselves. They've made that unbelievably clear. They said it themselves, "It's what you love, not who loves you."

But why do I love Fall Out Boy? The simple answer might be that marrying Patrick Stump is my greatest desire. Oh, did you guys think it was about their music? (That was a joke. It is the music! It is!) Patrick has a way of writing hooks that I just can't get enough of. And Pete's lyrics are a mystery that I love to try to solve. But he never means what you think he means. And I can't even start about Patrick's voice because I don't know any words that mean "more beautiful than a thousand angels' whispers flowing over the strings of a violin." I really love him, okay!?

This morning, when I saw that the band had released the album early, I actually had a few tears. I don't cry about stuff. It was weird, to say the least. I don't like feelings. I worry about my actions when I see them live in a month and a half. However, this isn't a review of the album, so I'm only going to say that I've been listening to Rat A Tat (ft. Courtney Love) for I think two hours straight.

Wrapping this up now. I'm sorry if you're stuck in a land where only one genre is good enough. It's a lot more fun to live song-to-song. If you like it, then like it. If you don't then shut up.

"So, f*** you, you can go cry me an ocean and leave me be."

The album isn't out for real until April 16, but the band has released it on Soundcloud, so enjoy.
Save Rock And Roll

Let's Save The Environment

So, if global warming is the big deal that everyone says it is (ACTUALLY, I suggest you look up "global cooling" because that's actually much more terrifying) I think we should be sacrificing our lavish lifestyles a little more, don't you think? So, I have made a list of some ideas that I have to save the environment!

1. Tear out toilets. Toilets are, in my opinion, kind of the most pointless human invention out there. Like, even more pointless than *insert whatever human invention you think is the most pointless here*. If we really want to save the environment, we would stop pooping into our fresh water and instead we would drop our waste in holes in the ground and use our poop as fertilizer or fuel or maybe even act like rabbits and eat it a second time to get out ALL the nutrients. (Sorry, maybe that one was too far.)
2. Night Vision Goggles. No more lights. Just goggles. If you can't get yourself some goggles, this is not our problem. Get goggles or you will be attacked on the street in the night or stub your toes at least 16 times a day because lights will no longer be allowed.
3. Remove remote controls. This would not only save a lot of batteries for more important things like all the intense situations in Duracell commercials, but it would also pretty much a. solve obesity (Getting up to change the channel is basically a work out for some people.) and b. encourage kids to read more (Because I would sure as hell rather read than stand at the TV and flick through the channels until I find something good to watch.) which are two extreme first world problems, I believe.
4. Work while you work out. People are at the gym on the treadmill or that stationary bike thing (I don't go to the gym, I don't know names) and all that precious energy is completely going to waste. We need to hook that stuff up to something rather and use all of the generated energy for other things instead of just pumping it randomly out into the wilderness. This one seems beyond obvious to me and I bet aliens have already figured out how to secretly harness all of the energy that is created on those bike things. Also, all track races should take place on a track that can take advantage of the energy somehow as well. Like, in human sized hamster wheels. This idea has probably already been explored but I don't see why we aren't doing it. Gym classes in schools - instead of running laps you do a few minutes on the hamster wheel to charge up the lights. It's the same thing as laps so it's not unethical!
5. The Subway solution. Statistics say that Subway restaurants cause 15% of the content in landfills due to the amount of paper they use when they wrap up their subs. (Note: There may not actually be any statistics that say this.) If Subway used less paper, we would pretty much have this crisis taken care of and we would also be able to eat our subs without folding, tearing, crumpling and swearing.

Share your ideas in the comment section!

Love in the Modern Day

 I am a self-proclaimed cynic, if I am nothing else. And one of my most favourite things to be cynical about is love. Specifically romantic love. Love shared by family and friends, that stuff is beautiful. But romantic love? That's painful and temporary and really hasn't done me a lot of good personally. Mind you, there's still plenty of time for someone to come along and change my mind about this, but I have my doubts. Plus, I kind of just want to grow up and be Emily Dickinson.


(I did, at one point, want to grow up to be Liz Lemon but then she went and got married (to a human, not a meatball sub) and ruined that fantasy.)

There is actually only one couple in my group of acquaintances right now that I actively hope will stay together forever. Everyone else, I really couldn't care less. Perhaps this makes me a terrible person/friend. More than likely it just means that I'm lonely and hate other people's happiness. (I've never claimed to be a thoroughly good person.) My sincerest apologies if I hurt anyone's feelings by saying this, but it really shouldn't come as a surprise. The biggest surprise should be that there are actually two people that make me happy when I see them together. This disturbs me greatly.

With that confession out of the way, I'm going to make a sweeping declaration: The Internet has murdered love. Curb stomped it right to the point of cliched oblivion.

Not saying love can't happen. I've seen it before. Hell, I've felt it before (I think. Mostly my regret and frustration has blinded my memory of most of the good feelings. I think I might be a bit bitter.) but the only place that got me was weeks of hysterics and trying to guess that good-for-nothing bastard's Facebook password so I could sabotage him. (I was 16, leave me alone. Did I mention the bitterness?)

So what has the Internet done to love? It's given people this strange notion that they need to broadcast their love to everyone. It's like people need to prove that their love is the best love. Which all blows up in their face when their relationship status goes from "in a relationship" to "single."

The fact is, and I cannot stress this enough, NO ONE cares. Okay, maybe there are a few genuinely good people out there who want other people to be happy. But very few. You see, anyone who is in a relationship and happy will laugh at your "best relationship ever" status because clearly they have the best relationship ever so you're completely deluded, obviously. And anyone who is in a relationship and unhappy will envy you your apparent happiness but proceed to write about how great their relationship is because no one wants to admit their love is failing. And of course, single people hate on anyone in a relationship, regardless of how many "I love being single" captions they put on their selfies.

With that out of the way, I've made a list. (Yay! Lists!) This is a list of the most annoying things people in "love" do on the internet, in no particular order:

• Kissing Photo Shoots. Ugh. UGH. There are very few people in the world that look good while kissing. And it just makes me laugh when you think of like, whoever holding up a phone and being like, "Okay, time to kiss. Oh, just a sec, I'm holding my phone at a weird angle. Ahh, this thing is designed so awkwardly for taking pics with one hand. Okay, are you ready? Wait, fix your hair, you have an alfalfa. Okay, looks good. Ready? *click* Ahh, damn, I missed most of your face. Let's try again." Like, maybe a candid shot at a wedding is acceptable, but taking the pic yourself? Stop it.
• Facebook status: "Doing blah blah blah with the boy." The boy? Which boy? Does he have a name? This seems degrading to me. Do guys write, "the girl?" No, because that sounds like they don't respect her or some feminist nonsense. Don't assume that I know you're talking about your boyfriend. Use names to identify who you're talking about, because that's what names are for. But the worst part I think is the "the." It's like saying, "the dog," or, "the sandwich," or, "the lady at the counter who doesn't know how to order a latte." It just sounds rude and impersonal and a bunch of other stuff. I dunno.
• Random month anniversary announcements. Okay, so these are the monthiversaries that I deem worthy of celebrating: 6, 12, 18, 24, 36, 48, 60, continue at intervals of 12 months. See what I'm saying? You can publicly celebrate half years for the first two years but after that, please, puh-lease, keep it to yourself. Because we (we being the single people) don't want to be reminded at monthly intervals that someone as annoying as you has a significant other while we're stuck crying all over our cats and Fritos.
• Declaration (sweeping, at that) that you have the best boyfriend/girlfriend ever! You most likely do not. In fact, everyone is laughing at you because everyone except you knows that your boyfriend is being very suggestive towards other females and therefore is most likely not the best ever. Or something like that.
• Writing a status about going to the gym or something and ending it with "Love you so much Jimbo, you're my soulmate. You make me want to roll my windows down and cruise. <3" The f*** does that have to do with you going to the gym? And 14 other people just quoted that song in the last 25 minutes. Be original.

I recently had an experience where I liked a person. It was disgusting really. Couldn't concentrate on writing. Had a huge lapse in blogging/tweeting which resulted in who knows how many lost Twitter followers. I did not love this person. Not even close. I maybe could have though, eventually, and that's where the disappointment lies. I've since been cured of that nonsense, as you can tell by the almost daily blog posts that I've been pumping out. Cured maybe isn't the right description. It was more like a slap in the face by reality, telling me that love sucks and it's usually not going to work out. But I think I knew that already. 

The thing is, love is the best until it's not. You think everything is great and you'll be together forever and have little babies and then it just doesn't happen. And that's soul-crushing. 

This is basically a crude representation of what I dream about every night.

Really though, is having a guy beg for my affection, shower me with tasty, cheese-covered food gifts, and never talk to another girl again for as long as he lives too much to ask from a mate, seriously? It's like no one wants to work for love anymore. They just want it to be presented to them on a platter, all drizzled in chocolate and ready to cuddle and watch The Breakfast Club with you. (I'm included in this group of lazy lovers, although I'd prefer cheese sauce over chocolate.)

But as I said before, I am a cynic. And more than likely a few of you are reading this and think I'm a jealous idiot. Which is partially true, I won't deny it. But the people who think I'm an idiot are probably also the people who take kissing pics and think that they're going to be with their significant other forever even though they've only known them for five minutes.

Have a nice Post-Valentine's Day Day (notice that I waited to post my love-bashing until AFTER the celebration of love, so as not to be rude. Lol, just kidding, I tweeted a lot of love hating.) and laugh at the following Aziz Ansari quote that I stole from Pinterest. He knows what's up. (He's also ruining the sanctity of my blog with his not bleeped out f-bombs. I'm sorry.)

Yes, I Pay For My Music. I Also Pay For Chapstick, What's It To You? This Title Is Too Long.

Do not buy this album.
Go get a Cold Cut Combo instead.

The dumbest thing I've ever done in my entire life was buy Evan Taubenfeld's album. It's terrible. Quite possibly the worst album I've ever heard. "But, Alene, why did you buy this album? And who the h-e-double mozzarella sticks is Evan Taubenfeld?" I will tell you, dear readers.

Evan Taubenfeld is (was?) the guitarist for a little lady named Avril Lavigne. You may or may not have heard of her. When I was a youngster Avril was basically my favourite person ever. It was partially because we're basically from the same town, but also because her first album was completely legit, unlike the less-legit junk she spews out these days. (I'm sorry, but this is how I feel.) So, I knew everything about Avril's band and when I saw somewhat recently (last year? The year before?) that Evan had released an album, I thought, "Yeah, I'll support him. It can't be that bad. Here's my ten bucks." Like I said, dumbest thing I've ever done in my life. And one time I drank a cappuccino and an Amp energy drink within 15 minutes of each other and threw up for three days because of it.

The point of all this is that my main reason for purchasing this unfortunate album was to support the artist. Yes, I sacrificed the dollarly equivalent of a footlong sub to help this dude make more horrid music. In retrospect, I would really have preferred the sub. But this is how I look at it: This dude thought his tunes were good, and his mama is probably pretty proud of him. I say, "probably" because it's possible that this guy made an album that not even a mother could love. But clearly someone thought it was good enough to put on iTunes. (I'm sorry, this is a joke because I'm pretty sure there are albums on iTunes that are just the sounds of people pouring cold water onto a hot frying pan and painting their cats. If you want to know what a cat being painted sounds like, listen to any Downlink song.)

So, conclusions and some confessions of hypocrisy:

I pay for most of my music. The only real exception is like Taylor Swift and the Biebs, because they don't need financial help making music anymore. But when it comes to the less popular bands that I like to listen to, I always purchase on iTunes. Unless they're giving it away for free themselves, on purpose. Then I take full advantage.

This being said, I may or may not have on occasion MAYBE (this is NOT a confession of guilt. I refuse to say anything else without a lawyer present.) watched a film or two online without paying. But why is this any different? Without going into details because I don't want to reveal how little I know about the film industry, the short answer is, I feel like actors have it easier than musicians. Yeah, they starve themselves to fit roles and spend days covered in fake blood and dirt to make fun movies that we love to watch. But musicians tour all over the place and sleep in vans and starve themselves so they can afford to make one more single AND they're covered in dirt and blood because their moms never taught them how to do laundry before they went on tour. Maybe I'm wrong though (haha, that never happens) and actors are actually worse off. Also worthy of noting, if I had to give up either watching films or listening to music, I think I would pick films. (Because I REALLY only like going to the movies for the popcorn.)

Basically, don't be an a-hole. If you want your favourite artists to keep making music, you'll have to cough up some credit. (Because who buys real CDs with real money these days?)

Professional Athletes

So the NHL lockout is over. I guess I'm happy? I don't really care. I mean I enjoy watching hockey but I don't think I actually missed it. When you think about it, professional sports are possibly the biggest joke in western society.

Here's a reminder to pro athletes: Your job is to PLAY A GAME. Settle down. Some people sit in their basements and dominate at World of Warcraft every day. These people are called "losers" even though who says that WoW is any less legit than hockey or baseball? Someone could pay them to do it and broadcast their quests on live TV. That would be the EXACT same thing. There's still a certain amount of skill involved and you're still getting paid to contribute absolutely nothing to society.

Here's my other big issue with professional athletics. If you're truly an amazing player, you should be able to take the most simple, least technologically advanced equipment, and play with it. Having these Ultra-flex FX-7000 Super-Mega Hockey Sticks is, in my opinion, pretty much cheating. It's like when Harry got the Nimbus 2000 and everyone else was riding around on Cleansweeps. Not fair. Because not everyone can afford the best of everything. I'm talking about the kids who are trying to get into the NHL or MLB or NBA (although I kind of feel like there's only so much you can do with a pair of b-ball shoes to make them better than another pair of b-ball shoes.) If this fancy equipment really makes SUCH a difference, it shouldn't be allowed.
Maybe we should wonder then if it really makes a difference at all or if it's all in your head because those shoes are SUPPOSED to make you jump 17 ft. in the air so CLEARLY that's how high you must be jumping right now. If one hockey stick is worth three times as much as another hockey stick, I'm expecting something kind of more like a rocket launcher that shoots pucks at 200mph.

These days, less fortunate kids, no matter how naturally talented they are, have almost NO chance of getting anywhere in sports because they can't pay to play. That's the kind of crushing heartbreak that ruins a person's life and makes them miserable in whatever job they do find. There's no such thing as kids being discovered in back alleyways by tough-but-kind coaches. That only happens in movies like The Mighty Ducks, not real life. (I know. The Blind Side was a movie about the true story of a kid who got taken off the streets and made it to the NFL. First rule of life: There are exceptions to every rule.)

In closing, my fellow people, it's all just a giant money grab, right? They get paid millions to play a game while the less-significant members of the population pay for tickets, t-shirts, jerseys, beer and chicken wings and watch the games. Sure, there are people making a living off of it, and we're all just trying to make it any way we can, right? But the people who are making the money off of pro sports are rarely making any reasonable amount. They're like Scrooge McDuck rich and they're not sharing it with ANYONE.
I don't really have a conclusion or a suggestion or a plan or anything. And I've been begging my father all morning to buy me Habs vs. Sens tickets. So this feels like a perfect place to stop so that you can have a chance to think about what I said and write a comment about how the NHL is fuelling something rather in the economy and bread tastes way better when Sydney Crosby is on the packaging and blah blah blah.

Note: This whole thing can be applied to movie stars and musicians in a way.

Making Books Useful

So if you're like me and my family, you probably have shelves full of these really irritating dust collectors called "books." Like seriously, just Wiki the plot summary and get those damn things out of there. Your lungs will thank you.
The internet has summarized and scrutinized all the information that books can offer, so why bother risking a paper cut, right?
And besides, there are so many other things that books can do. (More useful things, at that.) Think about it:

"It's cold out, Mama. We have no wood." "Well, paper burns real nice. Here, Kathy Reichs has written enough fire fuel to last us all night."

"One table leg is shorter than the others!" "How much shorter?" "It's a difference of about one Great Gatsby, I'd say." "Well stick it under there, then!"

"It's Christmas eve, the presents aren't wrapped and the wrapping paper closet is filled with nothing but bare cardboard tubes. But Michael Martchenko did a hell of a job illustrating those silly Munsch books. Use those pages as wrapping!"

"The kid can't reach the sink to wash his hands." "Pile up those hardcover King books. Desperation weighs about as much as the kid does anyway."

"I always keep a hardcover copy of Jane Eyre in my purse." "Oh, well that's not exactly light reading." "No, and it's not exactly a light tap on the head when a fella gets a little too friendly either."

See? And this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to making books a little more useful around the house. Now I don't mean to get ahead of myself, but you're welcome. Sitting indoors with a book is no place for a child in this society. They're all overweight and pasty and 3400 pages of Harry Potter nonsense isn't going to fix that. So prop up your tables and warm your feet. And make a little more space on the mantle for family photos and the coyote your kid shot in the backyard.

The Bible? There's a cute website that acts out the holy book with little lego guys.

There's no place for books anymore. They're too slow. They're too bulky. And you can't keep up with the Kardashians AND read their biographies too.

You'll Probably Never Catch 'Em All

I write this at the risk of sounding super lame (I'm just kidding. Everyone loves Pokemon.)

Quick background! My mom works with a kindergarten kid who loves Pokemon, so we were at Walmart fairly recently looking for Pokemon cards for him.
Now, I am an avid Pokemon lover, I would never ever deny it. (Some may call me a Pokemon Master, I dunno.) I can name all original Pokemon, pretty close to the correct order. You can test me on it later. I recently got my wisdom teeth out and spent most of my recovery time playing Pokemon Crystal. (I KNOW, this was after the introduction of new characters, but I've come to accept the first additions.) I'm not embarrassed to admit any of these things. ANYWAYS, looking through the Pokemon section of Walmart, THIS is that we find:

I don't even know what this is. Pokemon used to be cute and awesome. This thing is just confusing. Is that a dragon? What?! No, this is a dragon:

Cute but also awesome. See how that works?

So, I decided to check out some more of these new Pokemon. Here are some of the more ridiculous ones that they've recently come out with:

This thing is just a flying sarcophagus.

  

These two remind me of some monsters from Yu Gi Oh (I'm going to pretend I don't know the name of the Yu Gi Oh look-a-likes, but I definitely know them.) They're just way too intense and terrifying. Remember, I said CUTE is key.

This is an ice cream cone. They called it Vanillish. When you start making monsters that look like delicious treats, that's when you need to stop. I think?

These guys are wearing clothes. Where did you get your clothing, little pokemon?

Honest to goodness, this guy is called Garbodor and he is a pile of garbage. Who was like, "yeah, let's make this dude, he's like a walking pile of trash. That will be awesome."

This guy is actually super cool and I approve of him for some reason.

So what I'm getting at... well, I don't really know. But my inner child is sad about these new things. Wasn't the point of the game to "catch 'em all?" How is anyone supposed to catch them all when they keep making new ones? (Although the people who are making these things are definitely catching all the money, am I right?)

I've spent over half my life enjoying Pokemon and I don't feel like the original 150 ever get old. I don't know, they were just awesome. If I think about it too hard, I actually get a little sad that we just have boring cats and dogs and Ash and Misty and friends got awesome pokemon as companions. (Please don't think I'm weird and lame. I'm only saying what everyone else has thought before. I think.)

And when you really think about it... how f****** dumb are the people living in the land of Pokemon? Are you telling me that you didn't notice that there was this giant pile of garbage running around? Someone just happened upon it one day and now it's abundant all over the place? No.

So, I like to ruin fun children's things and think about them too much. But what do you think? Yes or no to the new Pokemon? Do you care? Do you even know what I'm talking about? Comment away, my friends.

Internet Bandwagons, Scams and Bullying

I wrote a blog post a while ago regarding Invisible Children and Kony 2012 on one of my old Tumblr blogs (you can read it here if you'd like.) The point of the whole thing was my frustration with internet bandwagons. People support a cause because it's popular to support a cause, or people post whatever because that's what is popular right now. They don't think about it, they don't do any research, and often it's something they cared absolutely nothing about before.

Recently, a young girl committed suicide because she was being bullied over the internet. The video she posted on Youtube about a month ago was truly heartbreaking and gave everyone a lot to think about. Since then #RIPAmandaTodd has been trending on Twitter, and Facebook groups have been popping up everywhere to honour her memory.

Note: The rest of this post is in NO WAY meant to be disrespectful at all to anyone. It's only something I was thinking about.
Internet bullying has been around for a long time. We've all heard about it, some of us have taken part in it and some of us have been the victims. It's easy to bully people online. You don't have to look them in the eyes. You can think about everything you want to say or do beforehand. None of this is in real time. In fact, sometimes what goes on online doesn't even feel real. There's just enough disconnection from the bully and the victim that it's easy to avoid feeling guilty.
So I was thinking, why is it that only when stuff like this happens, when a girl posts a message on the internet before she kills herself, that we step up and say we need to end bullying?
There are countless stories like this. Kids being so bullied that they don't even want to be on earth anymore. And every time one of these stories ends up in the news, people say, "we need to do something about bullying." And this lasts for about a few weeks. Facebook groups pop up, people join them and then that's that. That's all you need to do to support something, right? Share it on Facebook and then go about your daily life.

And it's not just bullying. Let's look again at this whole Kony business. One of the crucial steps in the whole Kony 2012 plan was Cover The Night - basically running around and vandalizing stuff with Kony's name and picture. I don't believe I saw one Kony poster the day after Cover the Night, although I saw so many people on Facebook claim they would be "attending" the event. People just simply forgot about it. It was too far down the road from their initial viewing of the Kony 2012 video.

But that's the thing about the internet, isn't it? Everything is changing, all the time. There's too much information going in and coming out, you can't just concentrate on one thing, and you can't show support for everything. So we join groups, like statuses and retweet messages, hoping that that'll be enough. Someone else can do the hard stuff. Someone else can teach the anti-bullying classes and send money to the children of Uganda.

And I do this too. I'm not standing on any pedestal, wagging my finger at the world for not being better citizens. It's hard to be passionate about things these days.
Not only that, but it's hard to know what groups, or organizations or sad stories are for real. There are so many internet scams created everyday. People make up sad stories and attach an unsettling photo from Google so that they can have their photo shared thousands of times.

So when things like youth suicide happen, and when the entire world knows about it, it's hard to not join the "bandwagon" isn't it? You want to seem sensitive and so you like RIP Amanda Todd on Facebook and you retweet some stuff about her.
But then you actually read some of the things on the group's wall and there are people being disrespectful there. Saying that the people who bullied her should "go die."
And all I can think is, "did you all completely miss the point?" Why did you join a group remembering a girl who wants to stop bullying, if you're just going to be rude and disrespectful (a bully) while you're there? Just because the person you're bullying is a bully, doesn't mean that what you're doing is okay.

I'm not against supporting causes, or joining groups. I'm against the complete lack of thinking that you see on the internet every day. And it's not anyone's fault necessarily. Like I said, the information being thrown at us every day is astounding. Processing it all is more work than most people even realize and so I guess it's understandable that maybe you post things without thinking, or like groups without understanding what they're all about.

In closing, all of my blabbering about bandwagons and scams aside, I hope we never have to see another news story like this. I know, bullying is something that will probably never truly go away. But we can change things and hopefully this is truly the push we need to do it. Bullying awareness is something that I always remember being a part of education (did anyone else learn the warm fuzzies cold pricklies story?) but maybe it takes a story like this one to really make it sink in.

The Boring Facebook Status Guide

This is just a very short list of Facebook statuses that drive me absolutely crazy. Of course, it is very possible that additions to this will be made over time.

Starting your Facebook status with the following:
"Out with..." - the boys, the ladies, Scooby and the Gang.
"Officially..." - a high school grad, sixteen and pregnant, drinking age, a G1 driver.
"So blessed..." - to have a wonderful husband, to have a great job, to be blissfully oblivious.

Ending your Facebook status with the following:
"_____ bound!" - {insert city name}, {insert country name}, homeward.
"... for the night!" - with the girls, drunk, stats homework.

Okay, so I know that these are common things that people want to talk about on Facebook. Who you're hanging with, what's going on in your life, why you're happy, etc. I'm not concerned about the content of what you're saying as much as I'm frustrated that everyone has to say it in the exact same way. It gets boring to read your entire newsfeed and get the exact same wording for every other status. I promise you, people, there are a thousand other ways to say this stuff. And we all know the people who post these things constantly. They never write a status that isn't in the typical Facebook way. I'm not saying that doing this occasionally isn't totally fine, either. I know when you're out on the town or whatever, maybe you want your jealous ex boyfriend to see the status ASAP, so you don't want to spend 20 minutes thinking of a creative way to say it. So, this is possibly forgivable once or twice (I said POSSIBLY.) So, are we clear here? Let's make our stati just a teensy weensy bit more interesting, okay?

Oh, and there's more:
Lyrics. More specifically: lyrics that four other people have posted just minutes before you. No one wants to read the same lyrics more than once on their newsfeed. You're boring everyone.                I don't care how much you think that Luke Bryan song relates to your life right now. If someone claimed to be "drunk on you and high on summertime" two minutes before you did, you should maybe think about picking a different life theme song.

One of those internet cliche little saying things. You know what I mean. You read them on those little posters on Pinterest and then you just decide to write the thing down in your status. Yeah, it's funny, but a billion other people have posted the same thing. And there's the issue of figuring out what you actually made up and what you straight up stole from other people. This one isn't 100% annoying all the time though because there are some truly hilarious little thingys out there. This goes for quotes as well. (Have you read my view on internet quotes and these little poster things? Marilyn Monroe Didn't Even Say That Stuff)

"Like for truth is."/"tbh"/"Like for .... {anything.}" I've actually seen the same person post this status like ten different times and still get people to respond. I've always thought that this is ridiculous, because we all know that whatever the person is writing about your wall "truthfully," they're lying. I've never seen a mean thing written on anyone's wall and I'm not condoning internet bullying but seriously? You do not like everyone. There are people that irritate you all the time and no one is ever going to write it on Facebook.

"{random word} :(" or ":(" We don't know what you're talking about and we kind of don't care. Sure, there's the occasional person that will ask, "hey man, what's going on?" and half the time the statuser will say, "I don't want to talk about it." So why did you post it?! This is almost worse than the boring status itself.

"ttc" or "pin:..." Thank you, I'll be sure to text you just because you told me to, person I met once at orientation and have never seen again. Or girl from highschool who never talked to me. Or person who has never texted me in my life. Yes, I will just go grab my phone and give you a shout. And blackberry users, thanks so much. Your pin will be so useful when I try to text you from my iPhone.

So what is this whole thing about? It's about how boring, predictable, unimaginative, and repetitive Facebook has gotten. (Did you see what I did there? Those are all synonyms but they're all a little bit different so like, you can say stuff in different ways? Ahhh, I'm sorry, nevermind.) So little creativity is put into anything that is posted there these days. On the internet, no one wants to read what you have to say if there isn't something special about it. And it's unfortunate, but for the most part, no one even pays attention to you once you're known for posting mundane and stereotyped stuff. So when you actually have something interesting or exciting to say, no one will even notice. It's the truth. The internet is too fast paced and changes too quickly for anyone to bother with any of this boring junk. That being said, I'm sure your mom loves to read you status no matter what it says, so if you're only trying to impress her, keep it up.

Note: I understand that a lot of people have written posts like this, making this a slightly hypocritical post.

What are some statuses that drive you nuts? Let me know. Feedback is my favourite. (You're allowed to tell me I suck, too.)

10 Artists Who Made My Year

These days, the internet makes it really easy to find awesome music. It's actually a little overwhelming at times. There's a lot of amazing stuff out there and not enough time to listen to it all. However, we all manage to find our favourite artists. Although the following artists may not count as my favourite of all time, here is a list of the artists I've enjoyed the most over the last 12 months.

10. Train

I saw Train in concert a little more than a year ago and it reminded me how good their oldies are. I rediscovered Meet Virginia and that was enough for me. Pat Monahan can be kind of a jerk in real life but he makes up for it by having an amazing, original voice (although he's kind of creepy looking, isn't he?) It was nice to see them raise from the musical darkness. They're pretty mainstream but alternative enough that they're pleasing to most people, so a good background music choice for sure.

My Fave: Calling All Angels

9. Zac Brown Band

I'm not really sure what kind of person could possibly dislike this band. Zac Brown has an amazing voice, and their songs are undeniably catchy. A good band for a day on the boat or sitting lakeside.

My Fave: Keep Me In Mind

8. Every Avenue

Up and comers in the alternative rock world. I honestly discovered this band by walking up to the Alternative section at HMV and grabbing the first cool looking CD I saw. I've since seen them play live and developed an enormous crush on the lead singer.
My Fave: Clumsy Little Heart

7. Jack Johnson

This is funny because I used to kind of hate this guy. Something to do with his song Sitting, Wishing, Waiting that rubbed me the wrong way. Now though, I love his laid back tunes, and his albums are my go-to easy listening/background choices.

My Fave: From The Clouds

6. Paramore

You can't deny that Hayley Williams is the female face of alternative rock/pop rock/whatever you'd like to call it. And she's only 23. Not that there are too many female faces in that genre. Paramore is definitely one of my favourite bands of all time, and I never get sick of listening to them. It's really awesome to see that a lot of their songs have made it into some mainstream playlists. I think it's a good time to mention that at one time my younger brothers would never admit to liking a girl singer (I KNOW, right?) and Misery Business was definitely the first female-vocaled song they admitted to enjoying.

My Fave: For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic

5. Neon Trees

I don't even really know what to say about Neon Trees. They have a female drummer (which seems to be a rising trend, yay) and they're just awesome. That's it. Awesome. They're different from a lot of stuff that's out there right now, and in a very good way. The new album, Picture Show,  is a big change from Habits, but I think they're headed in a good direction.

My Fave: Moving in the Dark

4. Patrick Stump

Fall Out Boy will forever hold the number one band place in my heart. Say what you will, but FOB introduced me to an entire genre of music that I hadn't really listened to before, and my life is a lot better because of it. That being said, Patrick's solo stuff is nothing like FOB, so get that out of your head. However, it is excellent in its own way. There's nothing like it right now. And he plays every single instrument on the album himself. No computers. That doesn't happen very often these days. Oh, did I mention that his is the voice that angels sing with?

My Fave: Allie

3. Rise Against

There are certain bands that you need to be in a certain mood to listen to. For me, Rise Against is definitely not one of those bands. I can listen to them anytime, anywhere. I know they aren't for everyone, so this isn't the stuff I'd be playing at parties. But for me, this is the kind of band that you get something new from every time you listen. The lyrics are fantastic, and that's what I care about most a lot of the time.
My Fave: Paper Wings


2. The Cab

These guys are all in their early 20s but their music is amazing. They're on their way to being a huge hit, I can tell. Catchy music and catchy lyrics and an excellent vocalist. Can you ask for anything more in a band? No, I think that's you need. Onward with the alternative rock takeover or something! I keep hearing new things in their songs that I love. Not to mention, I heard one of their songs on Sirius Hits so I guess that's as good a sign as any. The only thing I wish would change is the lead singer's long greasy hair, but you can't have everything, folks.
My Fave: This City Is Contagious

1. Marianas Trench

I've loved MT since the very first "ooo ooooooooo ooo" in Shake Tramp and I've been wowed several times by their excellent live performances. I used to compare them to Hedley but in light of Hedley's complete and terrible sell-out I've put Marianas Trench nearer to the top of my Top Bands list and thrown Hedley in the garbage (well attempted to. I can take them back out, but I'm getting off topic now.) Josh Ramsay is a genius both lyrically and musically. Example: He produced Call Me Maybe. I don't need to make any more of an argument for him now, do I? His voice is excellent. It sounds good live, and it sounds good no matter what it is he's singing. Aaaand all four band members can sing. They have lovely harmonies which in my opinion make a lot of their songs sound very original. It does annoy me that they've become a mainstream hit and I have to share my love of them with a bunch of annoying fan girls. (Just kidding, kinda.)
My Fave: Perfect





Of course, I do not own any of these images, YouTube vids, or the tracks themselves.

My 8 Favourite Television Characters Of 2012

I recently developed an obsession with watching television comedies. And I mean like, watching them nonstop, all the time, entire seasons at a time. I was really behind on my tv shows okay? So, here they are: My favourite TV characters of 2012 (From comedies. And not all the new comedies they're starting this TV season. They all look terrible.)

8. Schmidt (New Girl)

"Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!" 
Well dressed, always classy. Schmidt is the ladies man of the apartment, kind of. But he's very particular about everything he wears. Please see "The Douchebag Jar." But when it comes down to it, Schmidt is charming and sweet, and he says all the most ridiculous things, so I love him.

7. Kenneth Parcell (30 Rock)

“I grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals - even the birds that cleaned our teeth - were workers, not pets. I never even had a dog, ‘cause as my mom would say: “You can’t eat love.” And as my mom’s friend Ron would say: “The donkey died. You’re the donkey now, Kenneth.”

Everyone at 30 Rock loves Kenneth. He will do anything for NBC and the people who work there. This country boy came to the big city because he loves television, and it's obvious. Kenneth sees the world in a completely different way (The World Through Kenneth's Eyes Clip) and it seems like a much happier place. Kenneth's stories of his childhood really make him one of the best characters. Plus he's adorable, so how could you dislike him?

6. Gloria Pritchett (Modern Family)

"I'm nice and I put on the sugar jacket."

Everyone thinks of Gloria as the hot gold digger, but if you pay attention to what she says, she's one of the funniest characters on Modern Family. And her accent makes everything sound just a little bit (okay, a lot) sillier. English, clearly, is her second language, so she makes mistakes from time to time. And here is where the greatest laughter potential lies.

5. Dalia Royce (Suburgatory)

"Hoe just died. Sucks."
Dalia tells it like it is. And behind all of the designer clothing and expensive make-up and sugar free Red Bull (WITH a straw) she can actually be sweet and thoughtful. But as if she's going to admit that, byotch. Dalia is Tessa's (that's the main character, if you're not familiar with the show) guide to life in the suburbs, and she exemplifies every suburban cliche there is. Which, of course, is funny.



4. Abed Nadir (Community)

"I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films."
Abed is amazing. Not only does he break the fourth wall of television, but he has an imagination rivalled by no one and I love it. He thinks his life is a TV show (I don't have to tell you why this is funny, I hope.) Also his social awkwardness and robotic voice make for hilarious scenes. Abed single handedly adds that something-something to Community that sets it apart from the other shows on NBC. Just look at his Claymation Christmas Special or the Dreamatorium. There's just no one quite like Abed.


3. April Ludgate (Parks and Recreation)

“No, I didn't win. But, at least I didn't make any new friendships.” 
Deadpan comedy continues to be one of my favourite forms, although I really don't know why. Regardless of the reason, April is totally deadpan and I think it's great. But there's more to April than her emotionless, monotone outer coating. April cares a lot about the rest of the employees in the parks department, and there are a surprising number of "awww, that's sweet" moments involving April that make your heart all warm and fuzzy and stuff. Plus, I associate greatly with April's dislike of people and things. So this is why I love her.


2. Dr. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)

"That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad."
I know everyone loves Sheldon. How can you not? He's annoying at times but he's also adorable. Some might say, "Oh, why not Leonard?" No. I hate Leonard. Don't even go there. Sheldon's naivety to social norms and his classic pranks make him, in my opinion, the most interesting character on the show. And everyone loves learning a new word when they're watching TV right? Okay, maybe that's mostly just me. Bazinga!

1. Liz Lemon (30 Rock)

"I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich."
Liz Lemon is all I ever hope to be and more. It took me an unbelievable amount of time to pick a favourite quote, because so many things Liz says are things that I myself often think about and strongly believe (see sandwich quote above.) From Night Cheese to shotgunning an entire pizza, Lemon is my kind of girl. She's crazy, she's hardworking and she is a complete dud in the relationship department. What more could you possibly want in a lead character on any show, am I right?





Honorable Mentions: Leslie Knope (Parks and Recreation), Lily Aldrin (How I Met Your Mother), Chris Traeger (Parks and Recreation), Luke Dunphy (Modern Family), Annie Edison (Community).

Marilyn Monroe Didn't Even Say That Stuff

Okay, so if you're an internet using person (which I assume you are because you're reading this), you've seen all the ... I don't even know what to call them ... posters? all over the place. You know them, they're quotes posted on a nice little background. Some of them are funny, some of them are inspiring and all of them are stupid (according to me.) "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I think those things are totally neat!" you're probably saying to your computer screen right now. On some level I agree with you, they're nice the first time you see them. But once they get shared a billion times on Facebook and Tumblr and copied to statuses and tweeted and instagramed (myspaced? Google+ed?,) this is when they get terrible and annoying.

But I can ignore the little poster things, some of them are pretty hilarious. But I can't help but think, "okay, who actually said this?" So, being the professional Googler that I am, I like to Google these sayings. And guess what? Apparently about a thousand different people are credited with saying some of this stuff. Wait, what? Yeah, imagine that. The internet, the world's largest "grapevine," has reposted and skewed these things so many times that no one even knows who said half of them anymore. I believe you people are familiar with the game Telephone?

Let's take the beloved Marilyn Monroe for example. According to girl's tweets and statuses everywhere, she has said some totally awesome stuff. And some of it may have actually come out of her mouth, but upon further investigation, most of it did not. Sorry to squish your beliefs ladies. (Side note: MM wasn't even a size 16, apparently. Of course, this info could also be fake.)

I know we'll never live in a world where we only quote things that we actually heard come out of someone's mouth, but think about how nice it would be, for the sake of the actual speaker. Am I right?
Maybe I'm just a little grumpy because I spend tons of time thinking up my own interesting (maybe) stuff to put on the internet while other people just spend their time sharing fake quotes that they claim are "totally the story of my life," or whatever (This is exactly the reason I'm writing this, don't let anything else I say fool you), or maybe I'm just worried about plagiarism and the rights of the author but either way, I've had enough of this unoriginal crap that is spewed all over the place without a thought for who said it, where they said it, what the context was, and if they were really talking about what you think they were talking about. (And that, my friends, was a run-on sentence.)

So, to sum this all up, let's all try to be a little more original, okay? Or at least appreciate the stuff the little people (me) have to say on the internet, because they're (I'm) trying their (my) best to entertain you with their (my) brilliant minds. And for the love of goodness, please stop quoting "Marilyn Monroe" and just appreciate her for being super hot or something.

A Word On Twitter

Okay, since Twitter is probably the reason I'm here, I think it's fitting that Twitter be the topic of my first (real) post. So anyone who follows me on Twitter probably knows that I've become involved in a certain evil cult-site (this is just a theory I have, I guess we'll find out if some hooded figures bring us glasses of punch someday,) Favstar. "What's Favstar?" you may ask. Well, I'm not here to explain that stuff to you. Google it, but don't get hooked. Honestly, Favstar is the best/worst thing ever. Yeah, it gets your stuff out there, and it gives you way more stars and retweets than you probably deserve. What do I mean? I mean everyone involved with Favstar is completely addicted to starring and RTing, so really, a star doesn't mean very much anymore. But wait, stars are what you base your life on now. If your tweet doesn't get stars after four minutes, you're already in your back yard digging a hole that you can go rot in for the rest of your life because obviously you're worthless. Okay, once you pull yourself together, then you start starring like mad, partially because you like a lot of the people you follow, and they're pretty funny. But let's not kid ourselves, you're actually just trying to get attention and hopefully they'll star you back. So now you're totally obsessed and you have no friends anymore and in some cases (specifically in my case, because I use my real name on Twitter) your remaining friends basically think you're a crazy loser now (or something, I don't really care.) Besides the terrible addictive aspect of Twitter and her evil cousin Favstar, tweeting is actually one of my favourite things (If you think that's lame, it's because it sort of is, in a way.) There is no other way that I could possibly communicate with so many cool people all over the world (whether or not everything they say on Twitter is true, which it probably isn't.) So, that's why I'm always on Twitter, Mom. Oh, and I kinda feel like I'm famous (just kidding.) (Not kidding.)




So, what am I actually saying here? Follow me. Did you expect anything else?