The Five Dumbest Things Humans Do With Water

So, I think everyone is aware at this point that the world is running out of clean drinking water. And, if you didn't know about it, I'm sorry for drastically changing the way you brush your teeth (Hint: Turn the tap OFF when your toothbrush isn't under the water.)

So, let's talk about H20. Here are two water-related things I wrote to myself. I have no idea where I was going with either of them and this seems like as good a time as any to reveal them to the internet.

• During summer, a man came into my place of employment and asked me if we had any distilled water or if we only carried spring water. Since I have no idea what the hell(o kitty) distilled water is, I said, "I don't think I know the difference." Then he started going on about how distilled water is fully evaporated and then unevaporated or whatever the word for that is. Then he said, I kid you not, "I'm probably going to get in trouble for getting the wrong kind." Pardon? The wrong kind of WATER? That's close to the dumbest thing I've ever heard. (Note: Since I wrote this I have discovered that there are some breathing machines (or something rather, I don't know technical terms) that only take distilled water, but come on, science. Please. My apologies for being annoyed at this guy when more than likely this is all science's fault, as usual.)
• As a child, I ate a large amount of snow, which parents and teachers insist you do not do. But guess what? I'm fine, and all my friends who did the same are fine. And we were always very hydrated during the winter.

There, that was pointless. Now, let's turn this post into a list!

The Five Dumbest Things Humans Do With Water

Clearly this snow has
yet to be shoved into a pile.
That is a road, by the way.

5. Shovel it into huge, dirty piles. Yep, there's some precious frozen water, arguably the most important element on Earth, just shoved into a big pile mixed with gravel and mud. I don't really have a solution to this. Like, I'm assuming it's pretty pointless to ship snow across the world to countries that need water. And besides, snow is "dirty" apparently even though it's beautiful and white and sparkly. I mean, I know, we have to get it out of the way so we can drive and stuff, but is there NOTHING else we can do with it? It just seems like a huge waste, knowhatimsayin'?

4. Let children run through it/Slip N Slide on it/squirt it out of guns. I think there are people in this world who would weep to see the way that we waste water in the summer. I'm not saying that some of the best times of my life didn't involve a sprinkler or a squirt gun. I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, using fresh tap water to get revenge on your cousin for throwing you in the pool is pretty selfish and wasteful, in the grand scheme of things.

I didn't think a photo of me in the
shower would be appropriate,
so here's my adorable dog taking a bath.

3. Shower in it. A shower might not be so so bad if it was just an in and out sort of deal. I like to think that if you can use less water during your shower than it takes to fill up a bath tub, then maybe you've saved some. However, this doesn't count if you think about the fact that, as Laura Ingalls Wilder went into WAY too much detail about (I swear she was ALWAYS talking about bath water, jeez) there are times and places where people shared and reused bath water. Therefore, letting it all go down the drain, when most of it barely even touched you in the first place is actually a little bit crazy. This, plus the fact that, if you're like me, a shower is a time to contemplate all the world's problems and come up with good tweets. Why is a shower a better time for thinking than just sitting in a chair doing nothing? (Actually, it's because your brain is slightly preoccupied with something else. It's not really trying so hard to think about things, so you can come up with genius ideas. This is all accurate, I just don't have any real terms or definitions to back it up.)

2. Put it in plastic bottles and charge a ton of money for it. Ugh, this is where the thing about distilled water kind of comes back into the picture. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even wrap my head around the fact that people are allowed to sell water. It comes right out of the Earth, but even people who have access to it choose instead to buy it in a store for a stupid price. And there are all these different kinds(?!?) of water. There's classic spring water, which everyone believes to be just tap water, but I assume we'll never know the truth about that. Then there's distilled water. And this summer I started seeing oxygenated water, which is supposedly better for athletes because it prevents any bloating from drinking water or something like that (Personally, I think it's a trick to make people THINK regular water makes them bloated and less capable of doing athletic things, but what do I know, I don't do much more than walk and occasionally jog to catch the bus.) Then of course, there's carbonated water, which is all they drink in Europe and if you've ever read any of my Europe blogs you would know that I HATE IT. And I'm sure I missed a lot of other kinds(?!?), but come on people. Water is water.

Blurry, yes, sorry.
That's the risk you take when
you're a wildlife photographer.

1. Go to the bathroom in it. I talked about this in my Peeing In The Shower post earlier this year and again in Let's Save The Environment. Basically, what I said was WHY DO WE EXCRETE OUR WASTE INTO PERFECTLY CLEAN DRINKING WATER?!? It seems like cats and dogs have been hinting at us forever that we should be drinking out of there because they freaking love it. Like, I know cats who are excited when the toilet is flushed because they're reminded that there is delicious, cold water to be had in that big white thing that their owner sits on sometimes.

So, there you go. The weirdest thing about all this is that what we don't do enough of is actually drink water. Even in Canada where most of the world's fresh water is, a huge portion of the population is clinically dehydrated and they don't even know it. And, there's no way that I avoid doing all of these things. Just a few minutes ago, as I stopped to take a break to pee into some fresh water, I realized that my tap has been on just a little bit since the last time I was in there, probably a few hours ago. I am definitely just as guilty as everyone else, and frankly, until a war over water breaks out, I probably won't stop wasting it, because I'm a human, dam it. (Sea what I did there?)

Let's Save The Environment

So, if global warming is the big deal that everyone says it is (ACTUALLY, I suggest you look up "global cooling" because that's actually much more terrifying) I think we should be sacrificing our lavish lifestyles a little more, don't you think? So, I have made a list of some ideas that I have to save the environment!

1. Tear out toilets. Toilets are, in my opinion, kind of the most pointless human invention out there. Like, even more pointless than *insert whatever human invention you think is the most pointless here*. If we really want to save the environment, we would stop pooping into our fresh water and instead we would drop our waste in holes in the ground and use our poop as fertilizer or fuel or maybe even act like rabbits and eat it a second time to get out ALL the nutrients. (Sorry, maybe that one was too far.)
2. Night Vision Goggles. No more lights. Just goggles. If you can't get yourself some goggles, this is not our problem. Get goggles or you will be attacked on the street in the night or stub your toes at least 16 times a day because lights will no longer be allowed.
3. Remove remote controls. This would not only save a lot of batteries for more important things like all the intense situations in Duracell commercials, but it would also pretty much a. solve obesity (Getting up to change the channel is basically a work out for some people.) and b. encourage kids to read more (Because I would sure as hell rather read than stand at the TV and flick through the channels until I find something good to watch.) which are two extreme first world problems, I believe.
4. Work while you work out. People are at the gym on the treadmill or that stationary bike thing (I don't go to the gym, I don't know names) and all that precious energy is completely going to waste. We need to hook that stuff up to something rather and use all of the generated energy for other things instead of just pumping it randomly out into the wilderness. This one seems beyond obvious to me and I bet aliens have already figured out how to secretly harness all of the energy that is created on those bike things. Also, all track races should take place on a track that can take advantage of the energy somehow as well. Like, in human sized hamster wheels. This idea has probably already been explored but I don't see why we aren't doing it. Gym classes in schools - instead of running laps you do a few minutes on the hamster wheel to charge up the lights. It's the same thing as laps so it's not unethical!
5. The Subway solution. Statistics say that Subway restaurants cause 15% of the content in landfills due to the amount of paper they use when they wrap up their subs. (Note: There may not actually be any statistics that say this.) If Subway used less paper, we would pretty much have this crisis taken care of and we would also be able to eat our subs without folding, tearing, crumpling and swearing.

Share your ideas in the comment section!

Stuff You're Going To Need After The Apocalypse

People are always so concerned about surviving the apocalypse. But anyone who knows anything about the end of the world knows that survival mostly involves luck and being in the right place at the right time. People always forget that once they survive the horrors of whatever apocalypse claims Earth first, they're going to be stuck in a chaotic, unorganized and unpredictable society. So, here's a list of stuff you should be hoarding (in a safe place where it won't be destroyed!) in order to survive AFTER the apocalypse. Some of it is obvious, but it's often the obvious things that you overlook.

Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.

Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.

Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.

Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.

Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.

Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.

Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.

Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.

Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?

Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.

Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.

Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.

Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.

Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?

Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)

Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.

For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.

Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)

Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.

Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.

Miscellaneous 
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.

Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.

Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.

Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.

Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.

Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.

Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.

Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.

Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.

Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours

A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.

Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.

And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.

Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.

Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)

s(NO)w

No one likes the cold. Argue all you want, Northern people (myself included I guess.) But I know that you're only saying you love the cold and the snow so that the rest of the world can't tell you that you're a complete idiot for choosing to live in cold places. Yes, I live in Canada. I was born here, so this isn't my fault (Hey, did you know not all of Canada gets tons of snow?!?) Okay, YES, I moved to stupid Ottawa where it's freezing and snows like crazy. That is my fault. But I will happily admit to you that snow is the devil's confetti and I HATE it.

Okay, so there are some good things about snow. Including (and limited to) snow forts, snowmen, snow globes and being able to follow the trail of the polar bear that stole your baby. Oh! And when you're thirsty at recess a nice handful of snow is super refreshing (note: at this time in human's pollution of the earth, this may result in superpowers or death.)

So, there are the good things. Now it's time for the bad. Here are a some reasons (not all the reasons) that snow sucks.

- Driving. Going 40 in a 100? Not my favourite thing. Having to guess if you're in the correct lane or not? Even farther from my favourite thing. Car chases in the snow? Google Canadian Police Chase.

- Digging your car out of the driveway. People are going to say "Oh, I have a garage, you're an idiot for not having a garage." Shut up.

- Wet feet. Snow melts, you guys. It melts and becomes water. Snow gets in your boots (or shoes because I try to avoid boots. Okay, I see where this one is partially my fault.) Snow melts in your boots and then it takes approximately 48 hours for your feet to be not freezing. And that's only if you don't have to go outside again in that time.

- Running away from enemies. Running through deep snow is very difficult. And try hiding from someone when they can follow your tracks exactly. Yeah, that's what I thought.

- Dropping money. ~$2,367,832.23 CDN is lost annually in the snow.

- Danger from above. Snow falling off branches, ledges, windowsills. And avalanches, duh.

- It's GODDAMN COLD.

And et cetera. Let me repeat: No one ACTUALLY likes the cold. No one wants their face to be so numb that they can't even feel the snot running down their chins. No one wants their fingers to turn black and fall off. And no one wants to see their backyard covered in disgusting sparkly white stuff while they sit toasty and warm with a cup of hot chocolate by the fire. NO ONE. If you say you like it, you are a liar. (Pants on FIRE. The opposite of snow. There's a joke here somewhere. Let me know if you find it.)

And STOP WRITING IT'S SNOWING STATI. God, Facebook ruins everything.

In conclusion, there's SNOW way I will ever like winter. You can sCOLD me all you want for being so grumpy about it. But it isn't nICE. (Note: I should be PUNished because those were the worst jokes that have ever been written.)