University, Children's Cartoons, and Other Things

I have a story for you.

So the other night I'm reliving my childhood by watching clips from the beloved children's film (if you can even call it a children's film because holy goodness, it's intense. Epic battle scene, much?!), The Land Before Time.

Completely-off topic-you-can-skip-over-this-if-you-want-Note: Does anyone in the world really know what the rules are with parenthesis and other punctuation? Does anyone even care? Are brackets even relevant anymore outside of BEDMAS? Just a thought. Googling it later. Anyways...

So I'm watching TLBT and loving my life when suddenly it occurs to me, "Holy fucoxanthin, these dinos are racist!" Yes, yes, it is true. Examples:

Cera: Threehorns never play with longnecks. They only talk to other threehorns and they only travel with other threehorns. 
(And at one point she calls Littlefoot's dead mom a "stupid longneck." Like, for realsies.)
Also...
Ducky: Hello. I said hello! What is your name? Maybe you cannot talk yet, huh?
Littlefoot: Don't you know anything? Longnecks don't talk to, whatever you are.

So anyways, you get the point. And by the end of the movie everyone loves each other and species doesn't matter anymore and everything is great. So I'm feeling all warm and happy and then I think, "Wow, this would be great for an essay about race relations or anti-racism!" And THEN I think, "Holy $&%@! I hate university." Because? Because it's ruining perfectly enjoyable entertainment and making me find themes and deeper meaning. I don't want to think about themes and meanings behind my favourite childhood films. I just want to laugh at the silly farcical comedy (FARCICAL?! See, it's happening again) and giggle at the more adult jokes that I didn't get when I was little. (Another side note, a bit more relevant - 13 movies later and Littlefoot and the gang still aren't grown up... Which is probably a good thing for him because what giant dinosaur wants a name like Littlefoot?)

So now I'm thinking about all my favourite childhood stories and they're all being ruined! I hate learning life lessons! And I hate thinking when I don't want to think. My brain doesn't shut up half the time. It's why I watch kids movies. They're so simple.

You know what was a good movie? The Swan Princess. And was it about accepting people even if they're different and love is blind and bestiality isn't really a big deal? NO! It was about nothing. It was just a good story. So shut up, brain.

For the record, I'm not talking about shows like Caillou and Veggie Tales that are clearly trying to teach us about sharing and not calling out the dumb kids in class for being dumb. I'm not talking about the clear societal morals that we're always trying to teach our children so they don't grow up to be major brats with babies at 16 (Wait a second, did teaching kids these lessons through television and media fail? Did they all become a little too friendly and curious because Spongebob is just a little too friendly and curious? That would be a great essay...) And for the record again, I hated both of those shows. (Caillou and the talking vegetables.) Jeepers, Caillou, listen to you parents and clean up your mess already, okay? Stop being a brat. And it was on PBS. PBS is the worst thing in the world. Except for the show Zoom. I will not argue about this any further.

I learned all my important life lessons from reading Berenstain Bears books. They were the greatest. And look, I'm basically perfect now. (*cough*)

Okay, I've gotten off topic just a bit. I hope you haven't nodded off. Let's make an awkward commute into the point that I know gets brought up by every bored English student while we're reading To Kill A Mockingbird and Huck Finn:

"What if the author just wrote that and had no intentions of providing us with commentary on racism." This statement can clearly be applied to every other book that we study and CLEARLY it does not always have to involve racism. (Whenever I'm writing things on the internet I feel as if I have to spell everything all out for everyone. I have no idea why...)

What if all of these amazing, breakthrough tales read and written about over and over again are just that? Just tales, meant to entertain. That's what storytelling is, isn't it? When my cousin used to make up stories for us when we were kids, she wasn't trying to teach us life lessons. We just thought that a bear who had gas and fell down hills a lot was hilarious. And guess what? It is. It is hilarious. And things like that will never stop being hilarious.

Unless the author comes back from the dead and says, "I'm talking about Racism, you fools!" then I don't quite buy some of the stuff people say about some literature.

So, university, STOP making me unconsciously look for themes and values in everything I watch and read. There's a time and place for deep thinking and for coming up with ideas. That time is not when I'm watching one of my favourite childhood films. UNLESS I actually need to write that essay someday, in which case, thank you for giving me such insight.

I don't think I've said a single insightful thing at all in this babbling. What does it all mean? What's the meaning of life? Who cares? We're going to die and find out eventually. Sometimes you have to take a step back from the problems and the pressures of society and just watch a freaking cartoon rabbit trick a cartoon duck into running off a cliff. And it's funny. And we laugh. And we don't know why. And we don't care why. And that's the truth.

The end.

My 8 Favourite Television Characters Of 2012

I recently developed an obsession with watching television comedies. And I mean like, watching them nonstop, all the time, entire seasons at a time. I was really behind on my tv shows okay? So, here they are: My favourite TV characters of 2012 (From comedies. And not all the new comedies they're starting this TV season. They all look terrible.)

8. Schmidt (New Girl)

"Damn it! I can't find my driving moccasins anywhere!" 
Well dressed, always classy. Schmidt is the ladies man of the apartment, kind of. But he's very particular about everything he wears. Please see "The Douchebag Jar." But when it comes down to it, Schmidt is charming and sweet, and he says all the most ridiculous things, so I love him.

7. Kenneth Parcell (30 Rock)

“I grew up on a pig farm, sir, where all the animals - even the birds that cleaned our teeth - were workers, not pets. I never even had a dog, ‘cause as my mom would say: “You can’t eat love.” And as my mom’s friend Ron would say: “The donkey died. You’re the donkey now, Kenneth.”

Everyone at 30 Rock loves Kenneth. He will do anything for NBC and the people who work there. This country boy came to the big city because he loves television, and it's obvious. Kenneth sees the world in a completely different way (The World Through Kenneth's Eyes Clip) and it seems like a much happier place. Kenneth's stories of his childhood really make him one of the best characters. Plus he's adorable, so how could you dislike him?

6. Gloria Pritchett (Modern Family)

"I'm nice and I put on the sugar jacket."

Everyone thinks of Gloria as the hot gold digger, but if you pay attention to what she says, she's one of the funniest characters on Modern Family. And her accent makes everything sound just a little bit (okay, a lot) sillier. English, clearly, is her second language, so she makes mistakes from time to time. And here is where the greatest laughter potential lies.

5. Dalia Royce (Suburgatory)

"Hoe just died. Sucks."
Dalia tells it like it is. And behind all of the designer clothing and expensive make-up and sugar free Red Bull (WITH a straw) she can actually be sweet and thoughtful. But as if she's going to admit that, byotch. Dalia is Tessa's (that's the main character, if you're not familiar with the show) guide to life in the suburbs, and she exemplifies every suburban cliche there is. Which, of course, is funny.



4. Abed Nadir (Community)

"I thought you were like Bill Murray in any of his films, but you're more like Michael Douglas in any of his films."
Abed is amazing. Not only does he break the fourth wall of television, but he has an imagination rivalled by no one and I love it. He thinks his life is a TV show (I don't have to tell you why this is funny, I hope.) Also his social awkwardness and robotic voice make for hilarious scenes. Abed single handedly adds that something-something to Community that sets it apart from the other shows on NBC. Just look at his Claymation Christmas Special or the Dreamatorium. There's just no one quite like Abed.


3. April Ludgate (Parks and Recreation)

“No, I didn't win. But, at least I didn't make any new friendships.” 
Deadpan comedy continues to be one of my favourite forms, although I really don't know why. Regardless of the reason, April is totally deadpan and I think it's great. But there's more to April than her emotionless, monotone outer coating. April cares a lot about the rest of the employees in the parks department, and there are a surprising number of "awww, that's sweet" moments involving April that make your heart all warm and fuzzy and stuff. Plus, I associate greatly with April's dislike of people and things. So this is why I love her.


2. Dr. Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory)

"That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad."
I know everyone loves Sheldon. How can you not? He's annoying at times but he's also adorable. Some might say, "Oh, why not Leonard?" No. I hate Leonard. Don't even go there. Sheldon's naivety to social norms and his classic pranks make him, in my opinion, the most interesting character on the show. And everyone loves learning a new word when they're watching TV right? Okay, maybe that's mostly just me. Bazinga!

1. Liz Lemon (30 Rock)

"I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich."
Liz Lemon is all I ever hope to be and more. It took me an unbelievable amount of time to pick a favourite quote, because so many things Liz says are things that I myself often think about and strongly believe (see sandwich quote above.) From Night Cheese to shotgunning an entire pizza, Lemon is my kind of girl. She's crazy, she's hardworking and she is a complete dud in the relationship department. What more could you possibly want in a lead character on any show, am I right?





Honorable Mentions: Leslie Knope (Parks and Recreation), Lily Aldrin (How I Met Your Mother), Chris Traeger (Parks and Recreation), Luke Dunphy (Modern Family), Annie Edison (Community).