5 more things that I'm always pretty concerned will end my life. It's a scary world out there!
6. Intersections/parking lots. Yes, we walk/drive through these all the time. But really, think about how much trust is actually required when you do. You have to trust that a complete stranger doesn't suddenly feel a lust for blood and run you over. That's actually a huge amount. Not to mention all the possible people falling asleep at the wheel/toddlers accidentally putting the car in drive.
7. Escalators. You accidentally trip at the last second and your head gets gobbled up. You don't step off soon enough and you're bleeding out because it ripped our leg off. Someone standing behind you suddenly decides to murder you. You fall down the up escalator and you just keep falling and falling and falling because it's always going up, you can never reach the bottom. Point made, I believe.
8. Power outlets. I pretty much have a mini panic attack every time I plug something in or unplug something. Why? Easy. So many things could go wrong. The cord could be a little cracked or broken. A whole bunch of other technical electriciany stuff could go on... You get the point. Electricity is scary and even though we use it every day, that does not mean it is your friend.
9. Wearing loose shirts to bed. This one sounds dumb, but people have been strangled by weirder things.
10. Elevators. Self-explanatory. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that you could drop to your death at any time from great heights (but you totally could.) My biggest fear here is getting stuck and slowly wasting away in a tiny box that feels like it's continually getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And you could be stuck in there with all sorts of crazies, just to make it worse.
If you haven't read Part 1 of Paranoid click here --> here.
For Part 3 click here --> here.
If you have any comments or concerns or you heard a funny joke today, feel free to leave them in the comment box below.
Also, don't be scared to share. I can almost assure you that you won't end up dead from pressing a button on the internet. Almost...
Saturday, 15 September 2012
Friday, 14 September 2012
19ish Reasons That It Would Be So Cool To Be A Cat
1. Insta-naps. Lay down, fall asleep. Sleep all day.
2. Your food is just there for you. And it comes in all those tasty flavours like chicken and tuna.
3. Having a tail.
4. String is no longer boring. Now, it's the best toy ever.
5. Climbing trees like an absolute tree-climbing boss.
5. Sharp claws/teeth.
6. You don't have to worry about knowing how to count.
7. You're super fluffy and everyone loves you for that. (Unless you're hairless, which would be unfortunate.)
8. You're a YouTube sensation, probably.
9. Mice are at your mercy AND they're a tasty snack.
10. You're secretly taking over the world but humans have no idea.
11. Stretching looks way more amazing and satisfying when a cat does it.
12. Dogs won't admit it but, yeah, they're scared of you.
13. Everything is a super fun toy.
14. You rarely get put on a leash or dressed in dumb outfits like dogs are. (Although there are exceptions.)
15. Your paws are small enough to type on a computer.
16. Everything is a comfy bed. You will sleep anywhere.
17. Your pee pretty much has the power to destroy everyone and everything.
18. You don't have to wear pants.
19. Even the most terrible/evil/tough people secretly love cats, and will cuddle with you AND talk to you in a baby voice, as long as no one can see them and judge them.
2. Your food is just there for you. And it comes in all those tasty flavours like chicken and tuna.
3. Having a tail.
4. String is no longer boring. Now, it's the best toy ever.
5. Climbing trees like an absolute tree-climbing boss.
5. Sharp claws/teeth.
6. You don't have to worry about knowing how to count.
7. You're super fluffy and everyone loves you for that. (Unless you're hairless, which would be unfortunate.)
8. You're a YouTube sensation, probably.
9. Mice are at your mercy AND they're a tasty snack.
10. You're secretly taking over the world but humans have no idea.
11. Stretching looks way more amazing and satisfying when a cat does it.
12. Dogs won't admit it but, yeah, they're scared of you.
13. Everything is a super fun toy.
14. You rarely get put on a leash or dressed in dumb outfits like dogs are. (Although there are exceptions.)
15. Your paws are small enough to type on a computer.
16. Everything is a comfy bed. You will sleep anywhere.
17. Your pee pretty much has the power to destroy everyone and everything.
18. You don't have to wear pants.
19. Even the most terrible/evil/tough people secretly love cats, and will cuddle with you AND talk to you in a baby voice, as long as no one can see them and judge them.
Top 5 Concert Fouls
Here are some common concert-going moves that I personally deem to be Concert Fouls. You've seen them all before.
5. Giant bags that take up the space of an entire person. Seriously, girls? What's in there that you need that badly? You're at a concert. You need money, ID, phone and your ticket. A small purse will work fine and you won't be that annoying jerk who turns around and knocks everyone over. Also in this category, backpacks. Why do you need a backpack? Your drugs are stored in your sock, there's no reason for the BP.
4. The Boyfriend Hugging Girlfriend From Behind Stance. No one's gonna steal her, man. She's not going to try to escape and get with someone else. You were her ride there, it's safe to assume you're her ride home. Plus after a while, she probably wants to cut your arms off and beat you over the head with them.
3. Throwing your belongings. What is wrong with you? That shoe cost you 80 bucks and you just threw it into the air. Not only is it probably going to hit someone in the face, but you lost half of a pair of shoes, and you still have to get home tonight. Okay, okay, so you're super hardcore, you don't need shoes. But you should still be considerate of the person who catches your smelly shoe or sweaty t-shirt.
2. Filming the entire concert on your cellphone. Come on. You're at the concert right now. Stop trying to get the best shot and just enjoy the real thing. You'll never watch what you recorded and even if you do, you'll only be able to hear the girl beside you, singing the wrong lyrics, all off key. And everyone behind you wants to kill you because your phone is right in their view of the cute guitar player.
1. Concert Apparel. This one needs to be broken down into sections.
a) Wearing another band's tee to the concert. No. Stop it.
b) Buying a shirt at the merch table and immediately putting it on.
c) Wearing the band's t-shirt from another concert.
d) Homemade shirt. Never make homemade shirts.
Why am I so picky about what t-shirt to wear? You're at the concert already. We know you like the band, we know you like music. You don't need to prove it by wearing the band on your shirt. It's lame, it's a big cliche, and it's my biggest concert foul.
5. Giant bags that take up the space of an entire person. Seriously, girls? What's in there that you need that badly? You're at a concert. You need money, ID, phone and your ticket. A small purse will work fine and you won't be that annoying jerk who turns around and knocks everyone over. Also in this category, backpacks. Why do you need a backpack? Your drugs are stored in your sock, there's no reason for the BP.
4. The Boyfriend Hugging Girlfriend From Behind Stance. No one's gonna steal her, man. She's not going to try to escape and get with someone else. You were her ride there, it's safe to assume you're her ride home. Plus after a while, she probably wants to cut your arms off and beat you over the head with them.
3. Throwing your belongings. What is wrong with you? That shoe cost you 80 bucks and you just threw it into the air. Not only is it probably going to hit someone in the face, but you lost half of a pair of shoes, and you still have to get home tonight. Okay, okay, so you're super hardcore, you don't need shoes. But you should still be considerate of the person who catches your smelly shoe or sweaty t-shirt.
2. Filming the entire concert on your cellphone. Come on. You're at the concert right now. Stop trying to get the best shot and just enjoy the real thing. You'll never watch what you recorded and even if you do, you'll only be able to hear the girl beside you, singing the wrong lyrics, all off key. And everyone behind you wants to kill you because your phone is right in their view of the cute guitar player.
1. Concert Apparel. This one needs to be broken down into sections.
a) Wearing another band's tee to the concert. No. Stop it.
b) Buying a shirt at the merch table and immediately putting it on.
c) Wearing the band's t-shirt from another concert.
d) Homemade shirt. Never make homemade shirts.
Why am I so picky about what t-shirt to wear? You're at the concert already. We know you like the band, we know you like music. You don't need to prove it by wearing the band on your shirt. It's lame, it's a big cliche, and it's my biggest concert foul.
Saturday, 8 September 2012
7 Reasons You Look Super Cool Drinking Beer (Or Super Lame Not Drinking Beer)
1. When you have a beer, and people around you don't have a beer, everyone else wants a beer, and thus become extremely jealous that you have one. This is fairly simple and obvious. Even people who don't like beer are hypnotised by how thirst-quenching it looks, and I don't know anyone who would deny that.
2. You're not drinking a wimpy vodka cooler. Trust me a cooler does not make you look cooler, despite the misleading name. Vodka coolers are for wimps. (Note: I'm going to be completely honest and admit that coolers are too sweet for me and make me throw up every time, but that little issue is saving me from a whole lot of looking super lame.) No song has every been written about someone with an ice-cold Woody's in their hand.
3. Pointing at stuff with your beer bottle. You cannot point at stuff with a wine glass. You cannot point at stuff with a rye and coke. The only thing that is cooler than pointing with a beer is pointing with a cigarette but smoking is bad for you, so the beer will have to do (because alcohol has no negative effects on your life or health whatsoever).
4. You don't look like a pretentious jerk. (UNLESS you're drinking an obscure, unheard of, super expensive, gluten-free beer. Then you look like an a-hole.) When you're drinking scotch, you just kind of look like a snob, unless you're at a country club or have a monocle.
5. You look like a fun time. Everyone knows that people who drink beer are fun and laid back. But not too fun that you're going to be arrested (vodka) or end up naked in public (tequila).
6. It's like a special club. People will share their beer with you. If you're a known beer drinker, fellow beer lovers will share their brews with you, simply because you didn't have one in your hand at that second. No one shares their coolers like that because you can only but them four at a time. And no one's going to mix you a drink with their rum.
7. Because you're obviously loving your beer, and that makes you cool. Okay, that one's pretty stupid, but "6 reasons for something" for some reason sounds kinda lame.
Share any other reasons you can think of and be entered for a chance to win a beer*!
*You will not really win a beer, but you can go to your fridge and get one if you want.
2. You're not drinking a wimpy vodka cooler. Trust me a cooler does not make you look cooler, despite the misleading name. Vodka coolers are for wimps. (Note: I'm going to be completely honest and admit that coolers are too sweet for me and make me throw up every time, but that little issue is saving me from a whole lot of looking super lame.) No song has every been written about someone with an ice-cold Woody's in their hand.
3. Pointing at stuff with your beer bottle. You cannot point at stuff with a wine glass. You cannot point at stuff with a rye and coke. The only thing that is cooler than pointing with a beer is pointing with a cigarette but smoking is bad for you, so the beer will have to do (because alcohol has no negative effects on your life or health whatsoever).
4. You don't look like a pretentious jerk. (UNLESS you're drinking an obscure, unheard of, super expensive, gluten-free beer. Then you look like an a-hole.) When you're drinking scotch, you just kind of look like a snob, unless you're at a country club or have a monocle.
5. You look like a fun time. Everyone knows that people who drink beer are fun and laid back. But not too fun that you're going to be arrested (vodka) or end up naked in public (tequila).
6. It's like a special club. People will share their beer with you. If you're a known beer drinker, fellow beer lovers will share their brews with you, simply because you didn't have one in your hand at that second. No one shares their coolers like that because you can only but them four at a time. And no one's going to mix you a drink with their rum.
7. Because you're obviously loving your beer, and that makes you cool. Okay, that one's pretty stupid, but "6 reasons for something" for some reason sounds kinda lame.
Share any other reasons you can think of and be entered for a chance to win a beer*!
*You will not really win a beer, but you can go to your fridge and get one if you want.
Friday, 7 September 2012
Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 1
I am afraid of the weirdest things. Honestly, I'm aware that some of these are totally irrational fears, but at the same time, there's always the possibility of freak accidents. Don't ever think that you're the exception! One day an anvil might be dropped from a building and you may be standing beneath it. You can't prove that it won't happen. So here's a list of some things that I'm pretty paranoid about. Enjoy, and I hope I scare you into never leaving your house again. (I only say this because at the rate that my fears are growing, it won't be long before I live in a shack in the middle of a field with no furniture or appliances.) Anyways, here are some things you could read about in the paper in the weird death section (I know that doesn't exist, but it should) and some stuff that maybe you do every day, but is totally Danger Bay.
1. Filing cabinets. They are big, they are heavy and if you have more than one drawer open by accident, they could squish you real good. And of course, I sometimes have to sit in front of them, filing stuff into the bottom drawer. I guess this isn't neccesarily a weird death, just a super unfortunate one. Death by files. Worked to death? Drowning in paperwork.
2. Coughing. Basically every time I even start to cough a little bit, I assume it's the end for me. And usually that thought is accompanied with, "Oh man, I'm gonna die right here in this grocery store and everyone is looking and it's gonna be so totally embarrassing." No lie. Half of my fear of death involves dying embarrassingly or while a lot of people are around. (You're probably thinking that this is totally stupid and how would a tragic occurance be embarrassing. Well I assure you, I can find something that could be embarrassing in almost any situation.) So of course, my death will surely come in the lamest of ways and in the most public of places. Coughing myself to death in public.
3. Ceiling fans. I don't know how you can't be terrified of ceiling fans. One loose screw and peeeew, there goes your head. Two reasons that this is inconvinient for me: 1. It's hot as heck around here and we don't have A/C in my home and 2. I like the sound of it, for the most part. UNTIL it starts to sound a little wobbly. Now, this happens all the time. the fan just makes a bit of a silly noise and normal people don't even notice it. But I quickly say a few prayers and scold myself for not making that grilled cheese when I had the chance. Of course the sound is usually nothing and I get over it. But IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN NOTHING. So it's always good to be prepared and wear a suit of armour to bed.
4. Mixing drugs. I'm not talking about meth and cocaine, because I'm terrified of both of those things on their own. No, I'm talking about things as simple as Advil and taurine (that's the stuff in RedBull that doesn't give you wings but does get you a little shaky.) What if there's a weird chemical reaction inside of me and my insides simply implode? What if I ate something that had some kind of chemical in it and now my intestines are steadily melting away and I only have 6 hours to live? This may sound ridiculous but the thoughts cross my mind often. We don't understand half the crap that's going into our bodies, so I'm going to say this is a pretty logical fear. (Ummm, maybe.)
5. Anything slippery, ever. I do not skate. I never have, and I imagine I never will. You cannot make me get on skates and slide around on terrifying ice. (Don't even get me started on the possibility of slicing a major artery with the blade on those death shoes.) When it's rainy or a floor is wet, I take about 3 times longer to get anywhere. The only thing stopping me from crawling around on the floor is my fear of dying from embarrassment.
These are just a few of the things that worry me on a day to day basis. Or at least they bother me whenever I'm confronted with them. It may seem overdramatic but I'm an anxious person, and the world is a dangerous place. Look for more of these soon because I develop new fears all the time!
Thursday, 6 September 2012
The Blackout
Frosh week. Get drunk. Do stupid stuff. Forget everything.
But why? Honestly, the number of Facebook statuses I've read about getting blackout drunk or whatever, it's ridiculous. Why is getting crazy drunk considered an accomplishment? And you're a loser if you'd rather have a few drinks over a game of cards.
Don't get me wrong here, I like to have a few drinks, and I've had a few too many. But I don't start out with the intention of getting out of control. Binge drinking is exactly why we can't have a lower drinking age here. People get out of hand, and people do stupid things, and that's why there's puke on the stairs of every res building every Sunday morning.
And I can guarantee you that the kid who puked on the stairs tells that story like it's one about him finishing a marathon or something. This is something I do as well. Why do we tell our drunk tales like they're something to be proud of.? They're kind of not. Just because you got drunk, doesn't mean you had a good time. And you can have a good time without being drunk. Puking, to me, does not equal a good time.
But yet there they are, the pics on Facebook of some chick with her head in your toilet. And it's the best picture ever! Clearly the best night was had if there was puking involved. And the next thing you know that chick has this pic as her profile picture. Why are you bragging that you poisoned yourself and had to vomit up all the shrimp you ate at the pub (in a nice vodka-y puke-sauce, probably)?
Here's the thing I don't understand the most though. It honestly baffles me every time I see it, and I see it a lot. "Blackout tonight." What? You're planning to have an awesome time and forget about it completely? What's even the point? You essentially just lost an entire night of your life, so what was even the point of going out? More valuable memories could have been made by staying home. That said, I think a lot of the time when people "forget" the goings on of the night before, they're lying. No, I KNOW that a lot of the time when people forget things, they're lying.
What's the point here? I'm not telling people not to party. I really don't care, I'm only questioning why partying is held on such a pedestal. Are you proving that you don't care? Are you going against society in some way? Are you looking for an excuse to hook up with someone? Or is it just attention seeking (This one has my vote. People who stay in don't get attention, so let's go out and let strangers take shots off our bodies.) Whatever it is, I think it makes our society a little sloppy and most definitely not classy. But my rant on classiness is for another day.
PS: I know it's been a while, but expect more content soon and more often. Sometimes your brain goes through a dry spell and you don't have anything to rant about. Weird, but it happens.
But why? Honestly, the number of Facebook statuses I've read about getting blackout drunk or whatever, it's ridiculous. Why is getting crazy drunk considered an accomplishment? And you're a loser if you'd rather have a few drinks over a game of cards.
Don't get me wrong here, I like to have a few drinks, and I've had a few too many. But I don't start out with the intention of getting out of control. Binge drinking is exactly why we can't have a lower drinking age here. People get out of hand, and people do stupid things, and that's why there's puke on the stairs of every res building every Sunday morning.
And I can guarantee you that the kid who puked on the stairs tells that story like it's one about him finishing a marathon or something. This is something I do as well. Why do we tell our drunk tales like they're something to be proud of.? They're kind of not. Just because you got drunk, doesn't mean you had a good time. And you can have a good time without being drunk. Puking, to me, does not equal a good time.
But yet there they are, the pics on Facebook of some chick with her head in your toilet. And it's the best picture ever! Clearly the best night was had if there was puking involved. And the next thing you know that chick has this pic as her profile picture. Why are you bragging that you poisoned yourself and had to vomit up all the shrimp you ate at the pub (in a nice vodka-y puke-sauce, probably)?
Here's the thing I don't understand the most though. It honestly baffles me every time I see it, and I see it a lot. "Blackout tonight." What? You're planning to have an awesome time and forget about it completely? What's even the point? You essentially just lost an entire night of your life, so what was even the point of going out? More valuable memories could have been made by staying home. That said, I think a lot of the time when people "forget" the goings on of the night before, they're lying. No, I KNOW that a lot of the time when people forget things, they're lying.
What's the point here? I'm not telling people not to party. I really don't care, I'm only questioning why partying is held on such a pedestal. Are you proving that you don't care? Are you going against society in some way? Are you looking for an excuse to hook up with someone? Or is it just attention seeking (This one has my vote. People who stay in don't get attention, so let's go out and let strangers take shots off our bodies.) Whatever it is, I think it makes our society a little sloppy and most definitely not classy. But my rant on classiness is for another day.
PS: I know it's been a while, but expect more content soon and more often. Sometimes your brain goes through a dry spell and you don't have anything to rant about. Weird, but it happens.
Monday, 16 July 2012
A Musical Ranting - Don't Judge A Song By Its Song Information
Everyone loves music. I don't think a lot of people would say that they dislike it as a whole, maybe the occasional grumpy old guy. But I hate listening to or reading about people who call out and spit on one type of music, claiming it "sucks" or whatever.
I'm just going to come right out and say that you CANNOT DISLIKE AN ENTIRE MUSICAL GENRE. "But country is terrible, it's all about losing your wife and your truck," some idiot probably just said. No, it's not. Country is a vast genre that actually takes aspects of all kinds of other music. There are different types of country music. You do not dislike them all. Maybe you dislike the country music that's "all about losing your wife and your truck."
The same goes with pop music, and this is going to send me onto another rant (thanks to you indie music people.) Answer this question: How can you only like indie music? Isn't it true that every band is looking to be signed so they can become popular? You cannot tell me that if your favourite unsigned band were to be signed and started getting played on the radio that you would boycott their songs.
And although I will admit that some (okay, a lot) of the music that's on the radio today is pretty much made from the same formula and the same clubs beats, but there are exceptions. I don't think its fair to assume that just because a song is popular, that it's "bad," or "stupid," or "fake," or whatever.
This goes for taking the artist into account when choosing what to listen to. Just because you maybe didn't like someone's songs before, or because you read about something stupid they did in the National Enquirer, don't assume that their songs will be terrible or refuse to listen to them. Other people worked hard to make this music too, so give it a chance.
So when it comes down to it, just like the songs you like and dislike the songs you dislike, but at least give the song a chance. Don't judge a song by its "song information." I'm sick of listening to people bashing an entire genre of music because one time they heard one crappy dubstep song and the whole genre must be just like that one. There's music out there that can hardly be placed in one genre. Honestly, there are no rules when you're making music. You don't have to stray away from hip hop if you're a rock artist, and you can add a little bit of rock to your country ( I'm terrified of the day that dubstep and country meet up, but you never know.)
To add to this I would just like to say that people on the internet can be the worst musical critics. While you're hiding behind a computer you can be as cynical as you like and no one can stop you. I would know, because I love shoving my opinion down people's throats on the internet (only in blog form, I try not to get into youtube comment arguments and stuff because I don't like being called bad names.) People will chirp any song they want with no reason. So don't go listening to what people have to say on the internet (except for me. Listen to what I tell you, all the time, definitely) just listen to the song for yourself and maybe you'll find something that you didn't even know you loved.
I'm just going to come right out and say that you CANNOT DISLIKE AN ENTIRE MUSICAL GENRE. "But country is terrible, it's all about losing your wife and your truck," some idiot probably just said. No, it's not. Country is a vast genre that actually takes aspects of all kinds of other music. There are different types of country music. You do not dislike them all. Maybe you dislike the country music that's "all about losing your wife and your truck."
The same goes with pop music, and this is going to send me onto another rant (thanks to you indie music people.) Answer this question: How can you only like indie music? Isn't it true that every band is looking to be signed so they can become popular? You cannot tell me that if your favourite unsigned band were to be signed and started getting played on the radio that you would boycott their songs.
And although I will admit that some (okay, a lot) of the music that's on the radio today is pretty much made from the same formula and the same clubs beats, but there are exceptions. I don't think its fair to assume that just because a song is popular, that it's "bad," or "stupid," or "fake," or whatever.
This goes for taking the artist into account when choosing what to listen to. Just because you maybe didn't like someone's songs before, or because you read about something stupid they did in the National Enquirer, don't assume that their songs will be terrible or refuse to listen to them. Other people worked hard to make this music too, so give it a chance.
So when it comes down to it, just like the songs you like and dislike the songs you dislike, but at least give the song a chance. Don't judge a song by its "song information." I'm sick of listening to people bashing an entire genre of music because one time they heard one crappy dubstep song and the whole genre must be just like that one. There's music out there that can hardly be placed in one genre. Honestly, there are no rules when you're making music. You don't have to stray away from hip hop if you're a rock artist, and you can add a little bit of rock to your country ( I'm terrified of the day that dubstep and country meet up, but you never know.)
To add to this I would just like to say that people on the internet can be the worst musical critics. While you're hiding behind a computer you can be as cynical as you like and no one can stop you. I would know, because I love shoving my opinion down people's throats on the internet (only in blog form, I try not to get into youtube comment arguments and stuff because I don't like being called bad names.) People will chirp any song they want with no reason. So don't go listening to what people have to say on the internet (except for me. Listen to what I tell you, all the time, definitely) just listen to the song for yourself and maybe you'll find something that you didn't even know you loved.
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