Talking To Myself Turns 1! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!

An entire year has passed since I started shoving my blog down everyone's throats. I have no idea what constitutes mild blog success, but I'm pretty proud of what I've done in a year. Sometimes I get embarrassed about talking about my blog in public and there's always a voice in the back of my head telling me not to post links on Facebook because who writes blogs these days? Only losers, probably.

But seriously, I've actually been very surprised and excited about how many people have come up to me at parties or at work or gone out of their way on Twitter to tell me that they love my blog. I never expected to have people come up to me and mention that they even read it, let alone enjoyed it. I'm not bragging or anything here, I just want to say a really, big huge, super enormous, thank you to everyone who has read and/or shared my posts. I really mean it. You've given me an enormous head and the courage to keep writing down the dumb stuff I think about.

Writing is what I've wanted to do since I don't even know what age, so it's nice to know that maybe I have a teensy weensy chance to make some kind of impact doing it. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I've made someone smile, laugh, or think, and I greatly appreciate everyone who has given me a chance to do just that.

So, another BIG BIG BIG THANK YOU. Here's to the next year, and hopefully you stick around for more Talking To Myself. I sincerely hope you've enjoyed reading just as much as I've enjoyed writing.

Heart hug!

Professor McGonagall Watched Me Pee (More Bathroom Talk)

Here's a fun fact that you should know about me: I have a recurring dream (nightmare) about having to pee in a room with a lot of toilets but no stalls. I mean I have this dream probably once a month. And no, it never ends with me peeing my bed, because I never actually get to do any peeing because I'm too busy panicking about all the people who are about to see me void my bladder.

The dream comes in variations. It usually starts with me in a shopping mall or a grocery store or on a train with a giant pool full of inmates on it (that was a particularly strange one.) Then, I realize I have to pee and I find the bathroom, which is usually a maze (and I mean maze like that one windows screensaver that I spent many many minutes as a child just staring at and then I would accidentally bump against the mouse and have to wait five minutes before the screen saver came on again. That kind of maze.) with toilets scattered all over the place and ladies who I don't know happily peeing and chatting with their friends. Is this weird yet? 

Occasionally the dream will consist of only one person potentially seeing me urinate instead of a whole bunch of people. For instance once Professor McGonagall just stared at me while it happened, and another time (even more disturbing) my Grade 6 teacher was there. I don't know if that has something to do with teachers making me feel uncomfortable? I don't really think they do. Freud might say it means I want to sleep with all my teachers or something. But let's not look into that too much.

The conclusion I've drawn is that this dream just represents the kind of feelings I have towards personal stuff like peeing (and other bathroom duties) or maybe even the kind of private person I am all together. Above hiding physical stuff from people, I also like to keep a lot of my emotional stuff on the DL. This may shock a lot of people who have read my tweets or some of my previous blog posts. Yes, I think my dream is just about keeping private stuff private, and not about wanting to copulate with my professors. 

Anyways, I'm currently reading Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris. Excellent read, I suggest you all give it a try. In one of the chapters he describes a trip to Beijing. "My trip reminded me that we are all just animals, that stuff comes out of every hole we have, no matter where we live or how much money we've got. On some level we all know this and manage, quite pleasantly, to shove it towards the back of our minds." He goes on to say that in China they put it all out in the open. Because after all, it's natural. If I had the courage to tell you all the bathroom stories that have caused me immense amounts of stress in my life, I would. But alas, I am not nearly that brave. Because our society has taught us all to pretend that pee and poop don't happen. The hot people on TV's most popular dramas never stop what they're doing because they have intestinal distress. Dexter never tells his victim that he'll BRB because he has to take care of business. They don't show the part in Indiana Jones where he has to squat in the corner of a cave and relieve himself. Even poor Pumbaa sang that whole bit about being exiled because he had frequent gas. 

Western society just doesn't have a place for bathroom business. Even bathrooms aren't safe for doing some bathroom related things. Ever sit in a stall for 20 minutes just waiting for all the other people to leave? (I'm painfully aware that some people do not have this problem.) And thus we are all doomed to walk around with cramps and bubbly pressure for our entire lives (or until we're old and can't hold it in any more.)

Afterthought: I'm aware that pee and poop have become the subject of not one, not two, but three of my posts. It's easy to talk about it when no one is looking you straight in the face and you can just pretend that someone hacked your account and you didn't write a word of it.

Soccer Players Are Wimps

The Stanley Cup playoffs are almost here! (Go Habs Go!) And in honour of Canada's national winter sport, I'm going to address one of my least favourite hockey player cliches: Chirping soccer players.

These are a few reasons why I think it makes you sound like a complete ijit when calling soccer players wimpy (Or whatever new slang hockey players have come up with. Hockey slang words deserve their own post because they are THE WORST):

• Soccer players are wearing less padding. They basically have styrofoam plates strapped to their shins and that's it. Give them a break, okay?
• There's spikes on those shoes! It's not the same as sliding around on a knife like hockey players do, but it has to be pretty painful, especially on bare skin. Hockey players are pretty much wearing suits of armour.
• In hockey, you can't make a big deal about it or you get chirped forever and called dumb hockey cliche names like *Insert whatever slang word is in style right now. I don't even know.* It's actually ruthless and wild. And most of the chirping comes from overweight hockey fans who tweet about how weak a player is for crying while their mom does their laundry for them in the next room, probably.
• You don't think that every hockey player who gets hit in the face with a puck DOESN'T secretly wish he could go curl up in his mommy's arms, do you? Because if that's what you think then I fear you are terribly wrong. I guarantee Crosby called up his mom and grunted lots of whiny things to her after he got hit in the face with that puck. Can you imagine if a hockey player cried? He would actually have to quit playing.

Anyway, the fact remains, that soccer (or football as it's known basically everywhere except Canada and the US. It doesn't even make sense to call American Football "football" because only a tiny percentage of the game involves touching the ball with your foot.) is the most popular sport in the world. Hockey is only most popular in Canada and Finland. Have you ever seen a German football game? People are setting stuff on fire, and storming onto the pitch. It's complete madness. In hockey, fans just blow those stupid plastic horns people hand out when you walk into the arena. So, clearly, regardless of how "wimpy" soccer is, there must be something exciting about it.

That being said, I hate watching soccer and I love watching hockey. But shut up with the "hockey players are the toughest athletes." Your sport is one fancy spin away from being figure skating, just remember that.

Buuut, I don't play either sport, so perhaps I should shut up.

I Don't Give A Fork

Forks are, in my opinion, one of the most unnecessary human inventions.

Now you're probably coming up with all kinds of foods that you think require forks because they are messy. (For example, waffles, chicken parm, pasta, salad, etc.) But now I'm going to name a few "finger-foods" that can be equally as messy: S'mores, beaver tails, chillidogs, etc. 

Basically everything can be eaten with your hands. (I'll talk about spoons in a minute, just hold your freaking horsies.) You just have to get over this weird fear that people have of getting food on your hands. Want to know what's really tasty? Licking spaghetti sauce/pie filling/peanut butter/whatever off your fingers when you're done eating. 

Seriously, eating and classiness should not go together. I often find that my inner ravenous beast comes out when I'm eating, so I don't want to be held back by strategically gathering up my pasta with a pronged utensil. I want to use my extremely versatile fingers to scoop that stuff up and shove it in my mouth. But society says that this isn't allowed. We aren't allowed to go to East Side Mario's and cram handfuls of pasta into our pieholes with our hands because we would be gawked at and possibly even asked to leave. By why? Why do you care what method of transportation I use to get sustenance off my plate and into my mouth?

Fancy restaurants are overrated. Have you ever seen Eat St.? Holy, the food on that show looks amazing. And all of it is messy and none of it is fancy but everyone who is even in the vicinity of the food is happy as a clam. Have you ever been to a fancy restaurant? The portions are small and the food is placed in such a way that you don't even want to touch it because clearly someone just spent ten minutes balancing your steak on top of a scallop and drizzling just the right amount of sauce (or something. Do those go together?) And everyone is so "polite" or "dainty" or "anorexic" that they only eat 2 of their 5 $30 pasta shells and three pieces of lettuce (but mysteriously the wine is all gone.)

Okay, so, back to utensils. Spoons. Spoons are used for slightly messier foods, ones that are more liquidy, in case you weren't sure. However, that are not necessary. I wouldn't necessarily suggest eating soup with your hands although it IS possible. But some of it may drip through the cracks and wasting is shameful. However, here's a fun tip: soup can be drunk (Drank? Drinked?) just like water (with big chunks floating in it.) And yogurt/pudding/ice cream/etc. can all be eaten with your hands, I've done it. 

Knives? Butter knives are dumb. They can barely even be used as weapons. Just slather it on there with your fingers. Whatever.

"But who cares whether or not we use forks and spoons?" Lot's of people. Think of how many resources are used up by manufacturing utensils. They're constantly being lost and broken so people need new ones. A monkey could find a lost fork and use it to stab out the eyeball of the monkey king. (Monkeys have monarchies right?) And plastic utensils?! They get left in landfills to pump toxins into the environment and dolphins are probably choking on them in the ocean.

And think about how much time could be saved if we didn't have to teach toddlers how to manage forks? We could just let them go ahead with their primal instincts and use their chubby little hands. (Shut up, people who point out that monkeys shove sticks into anthills. That's not even the same thing and you know it.) Plus there's no more need to embarrass yourself with airplane/choo choo train sounds while you're feeding your kid.

I think the main idea to take away from all this, however, is that society puts too much pressure on us while we're eating. Eating is one of the most natural things we can do. Do you think cavemen took the time to arrange their food and strategically place their cutlery before meals? No! Do you think they wiped their mouths on their napkins and held in their burps until they were alone in the bathroom later? No! Do you think they casually sipped their chardonnay with one pinky out? No!

I think we should all go back to our roots, and eat with our hands. We have soap and we have handwashing tutorial videos on Youtube. There is no reason that we should be afraid of germs. In fact, in a lot of cases, I question the cleanliness of cutlery in restaurants. I'm willing to bet that the guy whose credit card didn't work, who is paying off his bill by cleaning dishes in the back, isn't doing a very good job.

So, at your next dinner party, remember to not give a fork and eat with your hands.

What's Rock and Roll Anyway?

Anyone who has had anything to do with me on social media sites knew that this post was coming.

Whenever someone asks me what my favourite band is, I fully expect eye rolls and scoffing when I tell them that it's Fall Out Boy. Apparently it's "cool" to hate FOB. Or, it was.

But really, hating on Fall Out Boy is so 2008.

Or, it was.

Now, after a five year hiatus, the boys are back together and they have released a new album called Save Rock And Roll. Although, if you spend a lot of time in certain regions of the internet, you may be coerced into believing that they've sliced rock and roll's neck, thrown it in the back of a sedan and driven that sedan off a cliff instead of saving it.

Now, I can't be bothered with signing up for every website in order to argue against these buffoons who think they wrote the book on rock and roll and have a say in what is and isn't part of the genre. So, I've decided to write this.

This is a quote from a really good review of the new album on albsolutepunk.net:

"Elvis Presley was one quoted as saying, "Rock and Roll music, if you like it, if you feel it, you can't help but move to it." And while the internet will be plastered with reviews of this record taking issue with the band releasing an album that has the audacity to call itself Save Rock And Roll, the King already described every listen I've had with this album. I've worn out the soles in my shoes from tapping my foot so damn hard." - Jason Tate

I suggest you check out the whole review because, if nothing else, it's entertaining.

These guys are 30 years old. If they were still making pop-punk they would be a complete joke. (I'm talking to you, Jimmy Eat World. Sorry.) And as Jay-Z said, "N***** want my old s***, buy my old albums." Pop-punk is dying. And I hate to say it, because I love it. (I bought an old Brand New album not too long ago and jammed out to it hard. I don't know what the point of this factoid is. I think I just wanted to say "old Brand New album.") There's a time and place for pop-punk. And unfortunately 2013 is neither. However, if you really want it, there are still countless bands trying to make pop-punk happen, just do a quick search on iTunes.

And there's nothing wrong with changing your sound. In the same way that you don't listen to Barney and Friends' Greatest Hits anymore, your favourite bands may have had a change in their musical tastes. I think we can all understand and respect that.

Let's talk about Train in Vain by The Clash. That song was so punk rock, right? I'm really glad The Clash never strayed from their punk sound. It would have been just awful if they had decided to try their hand at a pop song. I'm sure it would have sounded terrible and never would have ranked #298 on The Rolling Stone's 500 Greatest Songs of All Time list. (*shakes head*)

Or *pulls artists name from hat* Taylor Swift! She made a purely pop album but was still nominated for country music awards. And it was the pop music lovers who cut that album apart. Country fans ate it up, for the most part. Although, to be fair, I think country fans are a little more easy going when it comes to pop music than rock fans are.

But who cares about genres anyway? Why can't we just listen to a song and like it or dislike it? Why do we have to categorize it and rip it apart for not being part of a certain genre? Who cares!? A genre is a concept that was invented so we can easily discover new bands to like. There is no genre better than another. It's all relative to who you are and what sounds your ears like to hear. Some studies say that we like certain music based on our normal heart rate and other biological stuff. For example, I am generally not a fan of slow songs. Nothing against the artist or the art of writing a ballad. I just prefer a faster song. This makes sense if we take the heart rate theory into consideration.

And besides, these days there are too many subgenres and mixing of genres to even get a clear view of where bands belong. Why do bands have to belong anywhere? You're not the boss of them.

"Your old stuff was better" arguments aside, there are those who will always, no matter what, hate Fall Out Boy. "They're the worst band ever. They couldn't write a good song if it kicked them in the knee. Pete Wentz is a dick. Patrick used to be fat lol."

But it's funny, because somehow this terrible band has managed to sell out every single show on their comeback tour. Within hours of releasing the tickets. I would love to see all of these amateur internet critics take their s****y garage bands on tour and sell out a hole-in-the-wall pub, let alone any sizeable venue.

Even Nickelback, who, according to Twitter, is the worst band that ever existed, fills arenas every night. What's that about? Is it possible that they make music that certain people can relate to and enjoy? (I like Nickelback's old stuff. They're a bit repetitive though. They should take a page from FOB's book and change it up a bit. But of course, then everyone would hate them for changing. It's tough out there.)

But, at the end of the day, Fall Out Boy didn't make this album for you. They made it for themselves. They've made that unbelievably clear. They said it themselves, "It's what you love, not who loves you."

But why do I love Fall Out Boy? The simple answer might be that marrying Patrick Stump is my greatest desire. Oh, did you guys think it was about their music? (That was a joke. It is the music! It is!) Patrick has a way of writing hooks that I just can't get enough of. And Pete's lyrics are a mystery that I love to try to solve. But he never means what you think he means. And I can't even start about Patrick's voice because I don't know any words that mean "more beautiful than a thousand angels' whispers flowing over the strings of a violin." I really love him, okay!?

This morning, when I saw that the band had released the album early, I actually had a few tears. I don't cry about stuff. It was weird, to say the least. I don't like feelings. I worry about my actions when I see them live in a month and a half. However, this isn't a review of the album, so I'm only going to say that I've been listening to Rat A Tat (ft. Courtney Love) for I think two hours straight.

Wrapping this up now. I'm sorry if you're stuck in a land where only one genre is good enough. It's a lot more fun to live song-to-song. If you like it, then like it. If you don't then shut up.

"So, f*** you, you can go cry me an ocean and leave me be."

The album isn't out for real until April 16, but the band has released it on Soundcloud, so enjoy.
Save Rock And Roll

Let's Save The Environment

So, if global warming is the big deal that everyone says it is (ACTUALLY, I suggest you look up "global cooling" because that's actually much more terrifying) I think we should be sacrificing our lavish lifestyles a little more, don't you think? So, I have made a list of some ideas that I have to save the environment!

1. Tear out toilets. Toilets are, in my opinion, kind of the most pointless human invention out there. Like, even more pointless than *insert whatever human invention you think is the most pointless here*. If we really want to save the environment, we would stop pooping into our fresh water and instead we would drop our waste in holes in the ground and use our poop as fertilizer or fuel or maybe even act like rabbits and eat it a second time to get out ALL the nutrients. (Sorry, maybe that one was too far.)
2. Night Vision Goggles. No more lights. Just goggles. If you can't get yourself some goggles, this is not our problem. Get goggles or you will be attacked on the street in the night or stub your toes at least 16 times a day because lights will no longer be allowed.
3. Remove remote controls. This would not only save a lot of batteries for more important things like all the intense situations in Duracell commercials, but it would also pretty much a. solve obesity (Getting up to change the channel is basically a work out for some people.) and b. encourage kids to read more (Because I would sure as hell rather read than stand at the TV and flick through the channels until I find something good to watch.) which are two extreme first world problems, I believe.
4. Work while you work out. People are at the gym on the treadmill or that stationary bike thing (I don't go to the gym, I don't know names) and all that precious energy is completely going to waste. We need to hook that stuff up to something rather and use all of the generated energy for other things instead of just pumping it randomly out into the wilderness. This one seems beyond obvious to me and I bet aliens have already figured out how to secretly harness all of the energy that is created on those bike things. Also, all track races should take place on a track that can take advantage of the energy somehow as well. Like, in human sized hamster wheels. This idea has probably already been explored but I don't see why we aren't doing it. Gym classes in schools - instead of running laps you do a few minutes on the hamster wheel to charge up the lights. It's the same thing as laps so it's not unethical!
5. The Subway solution. Statistics say that Subway restaurants cause 15% of the content in landfills due to the amount of paper they use when they wrap up their subs. (Note: There may not actually be any statistics that say this.) If Subway used less paper, we would pretty much have this crisis taken care of and we would also be able to eat our subs without folding, tearing, crumpling and swearing.

Share your ideas in the comment section!

Bacon

Okay, so pretty much every person who loves their taste buds loves bacon. I love bacon. You love bacon. Vegetarians love bacon but they'll deny it. I don't consider vegans to be people so it doesn't matter if they love bacon or not. (I really hope I don't have to tell you that this is a joke.) As far as bacon loving goes, however, I'm actually kind of picky. So, I've decided to dedicate this post to some bacon related things. I don't really know why. For lack of anything else to write about, I suppose.

I want to just throw out there that when it comes to this particular post I give exactly zero Fs about healthiness and longevity or whatever so GET OUT OF HERE, HEALTHY PEOPLE. Although turkey bacon is pretty tasty as well, so there's that.

I seem to have somehow given people the idea that I am a bacon fanatic. Don't get me wrong. I love it and would eat it constantly, all day. But there are certain ways that it is prepared that I have been known to say no to, if I'm not in the mood.

1. It has to be crispy. Not chewy. My brothers are the exact opposite so you can see how this may cause a problem when it comes to family breakfasttime. However, props to them because they ALWAYS make sure to save me bacon when they make it. So I eat the chewy flesh even though it kind of feels like I might as well be just gnawing on a live pig. 
2. Bacon on pizza. Not for me. Pizza is my favourite, and I love bacon, but I don't care for them together, usually. Not that I wouldn't eat multiple slices of pizza with bacon on it. It's just not one of the toppings I would choose. (For the record, my preference is pepperoni, sausage and green olives.)
3. You can maybe assume from #1 that bacon on any sandwich is good IF it is crispy. Same goes for burgers. Fun bacon tip: Get the microwavable stuff. It takes barely any time at all to get super crispy in the microwave AND it is surprisingly delicious. Good for sammies.
4. When I'm at a restaurant for breakfast I always choose sausage over bacon. Every time. Some days when I'm feeling particularly fat and hungry I will ask for bacon as well as sausage, but it's never my first choice. Ham is never even an option, in my mind. And I don't even know what peameal (or Canadian) bacon is. It sounds weird.

Here are some delicious and/or disgusting things that have happened regarding bacon in my life:

• Candied bacon. Like, Epic Meal Time style. This turns some people off because they're FOOD WIMPS. I have no time for food wimps. You can't assume you're going to dislike it, you just have to try it. This is my belief when it comes to anything food related.

• These bacon cups. Delicious and easy to make. Fill them with mac and cheese or scrambled eggs or if you're concerned about dying a death by calories you could use them as a bowl for salad. We also made smaller ones with candied bacon, filled them with melted chocolate and a piece of strawberry. Those were maybe the greatest thing in the history of things but they were consumed too quickly for pictures. Note: This really only works with two layers of bacon. One layer and they fall apart.

• Confession time. Once, I ate the piece of bread that was used to soak up the bacon grease. (This is the disgusting thing. I'm almost ashamed of myself. Almost.) I don't really know why, I guess I was just curious, and I mean, why should the dogs be the only ones to try it? But, I think curiosity almost killed this cat because my heart started beating pretty slowly. So, don't try that one, even though I know everyone wonders what it tastes like (I hope everyone does. Don't tell me I'm the only fat, disgusting one here. You're the one who clicked this post just because it's called "Bacon.") I think it was good, but the aftereffects were not so great so I will not be giving it a second chance

• This bacon-infused beer. It was pretty heavy stuff, so only one glass for me, please. But bacon+beer probably cannot go wrong. Right? Plus, it's called Aporkalypse Now which is hilarious and fantastic. I'm almost positive that this beer was only being brewed for a limited time, though, so it is possible you'll never get to try it, if you haven't tried it already. Sorry for the poor picture quality. That's Hog's Back Brewing Company, if you can't see it.

• Bacon candy canes. Don't EVER eat these. They taste like ashes on the ground after a pig farm burned down. Do, however, give them to your friends and tell them that they're cherry flavoured.

Okay, so I'm going to end this post with a quote from my mother, for all the animal rights people who somehow haven't been turned back on to bacon after the sizzley, delicious looking photos above. 

"If we aren't supposed to eat pigs, why do they look like roasts with legs?"

She's such a smart lady. 

Anyways, share your bacon adventures in the comments. I'd like to try new bacon related things. And don't give me any crap about vegan bacon, for God's sake, because this is how I feel about it -> YOUTUBE LINK THAT I DO NOT OWN.