Kissing Is Weird

I assume you read the title of this post, so, I don't think I really need much more of an intro than that. Kissing is WEIRD. It is. Press your face up against someone else's for a little bit. Touch your mouths together. Your mouths, where bacteria and all kinds of yucky stuff lives. And then tongues get involved and SERIOUSLY?! That's disgusting.

Why is it that sharing a tooth brush is considered absolutely horrid, but we can rub our saliva all over each other's mouths and that's super romantic or hot or attractive or whatever it is?
And you wouldn't walk up to someone you don't know at a bar and take a sip from their drink (I say this, but a guy definitely walked up to me at a bar once and drank half my beverage but I think he may be an exception to the rule because I was in Montreal and everything is backwards there.) I do, however, know plenty of people who would walk up to a person and start kissing them.

Now, I'm not really a big germaphobe. I don't believe in the ten-second rule, I believe in the however-long-it-takes-me-to-see-it-and-pick-it up-off-the-ground rule (with exceptions to certain questionable locations such as bathrooms and airplane tray tables.) But retrieving your food off the ground is a matter of survival and environmental friendliness! Touching your tongue against another person's is not.

It's like when suddenly you're in a relationship with someone (this counts friendships, because friends do this to) it's okay to take a sip from their drink because clearly if you know this person they must not be carrying any diseases or dangerous bacterias. And everyone who you don't know very well must have a mouth crawling with the plague, obviously. For instance, one time at Costco my mother took a drink of what she thought was my beverage, but it was actually just a cup that had been left on the table from the previous inhabitant (BTW this is a pet peeve of mine. Throw out your damn cup, you lazy jerks.) Anyway, so Mom takes a sip, before I could inform her that this was not my cup. She of course proceeded to spit the contents out, which I think is a natural reaction. But think about it: Why is that cup any less sanitary than drinking out of my cup? I don't think there is any such thing as a clean human mouth, so what's the difference? (In case you were wondering how the Costco story ends, I was scolded for not throwing out Mr. Lazy's cup before I sat down because I was supposed to foresee that my mother was not going to buy herself a drink and was just going to steal mine. Sorry, Mom. My intentions here are not to sound like a brat, I just feel as if you should have purchased your own beverage. I'm a thirsty girl.)

This is a PG blog, so I'm not even going to get into how weird other things humans do together are (again, if you really think about them. And more so if you take a quick surf through urbandictionary.com. It's a real eye-opener.) No, actually, let's talk about it. Why (why why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!) is it acceptable to put our mouths ALL up in other people's unmentionable areas? It's not even like this is an animalistic thing, really, because I think only monkeys and dolphins do it too, and they're like super smart. But probably I'm being extremely ignorant to all kinds of knowledge and studies that say differently. Whatever. Anyhoo, we all know what comes out of those areas, correct? But I'm doubting I could find a lot of people who would lick the inside of a toilet bowl. See what I'm saying here? Yet, this is an acceptable (to some extent) practice.

So, we can put our mouths all over each other, but when a dog comes along and tries to lick the remnants of your breakfast burrito from the corner of your mouth, that's disgusting and you have to go rinse your mouth out and spit for like ten minutes and cut your lips off. Okay, to be fair, that dog was just licking its butt and eating a dead squirrel but for all you know the guy you kissed at da club last night also enjoys the occasional road-kill snack. I'm not saying making out with your dog is something that should start happening, but I'm just saying I think it's funny what we deem as gross and what we deem as a fun past-time with another person.

Unsanitary-ness aside, kissing is also weird in the way that dancing is weird. Waving your limbs around and wiggling. Have you ever stood above a dancefloor and just watched everyone? It's actually hilarious, regardless of how "good" a dancer you are. (I know we're getting off topic, but I actually think that the most ridiculous-looking dancers are the "professionals." I'm possibly way over-thinking or over-analyzing the act of dancing. But over-thinking is what I do. That's why this post exists.) Anyway, kissing, shoving your mouth against another person's. Or against their forehead or cheek or whatever. For birds, this exact action is called pecking and it's an act of aggression (I assume, because I know essentially nothing about birds.) And this is arguably the most sincere way we have of telling people we're attracted to them or we like them or whatever. Or at least that's what movies teach us.

I don't want to get into the psych behind kissing or the biological reasons that we enjoy it, I'm just saying that it's weird when you look at the big picture.

In case you want to check out someone else's view on the weirdness of kissing, I found this fun article as well, on a website that I personally enjoy very much. I found this AFTER I wrote most of my post so there is no plagiarism involved, you scholarly jerks. Study: Kissing is Really Weird from hahajk.com.

I Didn't Write A Christmas Blog Post (Until Now)

According to some search engine statistics sites which may or may not be completely inaccurate, people were doing a lot of searching for the terms "Merry Christmas" and "Christmas" in the past few days. So writing an* Xmas blog would have been the perfect way to get some serious search engine traffic (if you care about that sort of thing, which I don't even though I share my blog on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, StumbleUpon, Reddit, Digg, Google+, etc.) But everyone and their cat was writing posts about Christmas. I say cat because dogs aren't smart enough or evil enough to commandeer our laptops at night, let's be serious.

So, writing a blog about how my Christmas went and what Santa brought me, etc. would be, in my opinion, beating a dead reindeer. (By the way, Santa brought me an Xbox and my brothers bought me Lego Lord of the Rings so I'm the happiest camper that ever camped in a warm trailer with electricity hook up and a big screen TV.) I started a post about my favourite Christmas things, including Hershey's Candy Cane Kisses, Love Actually and Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy's Christmas jumpers. But really, I felt like I wasn't actually in love with all of these things as much as I thought I was or as much as I used to be. (Except the candy cane kisses. Those things are amazing.)

So, here's the sad thing about Christmas at this stage in my life: I just don't really care about it that much. Whether this has something to do with the fact that my parents recently sent me an email trying to convince me that Santa isn't real (they just want credit for the amazing gift he brought for me) or because I'm extremely lazy and lifting my arm to hang crappy decorations made by kindergarten-age-Alene is just way too much work, I don't know. (Another side note - my family didn't have a tree at all this year and guess what? I got no unnecessary arm exercise because of it. All of my arm-energy went to lifting my fork during Christmas dinners. Win.) Maybe there's just so much other stuff happening right now that Christmas kind of gets overshadowed. Or maybe, Xmas just isn't actually as exciting the 20th time around.

I'm not saying that I don't like being with my family, because that's my favourite thing in the whole world. But, I believe that you shouldn't need excuses (like Christmas or raiding a closet to find the sweatpants your cousin stole from you) to see the people you love. And I'm not saying that I don't love watching people open the gifts I bought them, even if the smile on their face is completely fake because "Sweet Jolly Ranchers, ANOTHER candle, Alene, seriously?"

I didn't ask for anything this year (except for a KNOPE 2012 campaign poster which I did not receive. I'm gonna go drip my tears all over my new Xbox controller about it.) The only things I want out of Christmas are alcohol (got lots of that), a cheese ball (I saw one at dinner, but I don't know that anyone opened it, which is upsetting. Or they opened it and I didn't get any, which is even more upsetting.), some good laughs (check), and A KNOPE 2012 CAMPAIGN POSTER, MOM AND DAD! IT WAS ONLY LIKE $12 ON NBC.COM!

So, where am I going with this? And why have I started so many of my paragraphs with "So?" I feel like my English professor would be punching me in the back of the head if she were reading this over my shoulder right now. She also says that parenthesis are a waste of time but I like to interrupt myself a lot and sometimes dashes just don't format the way you want them to. Sorry, what was I talking about?

Christmas.

Does Christmas get old? Yeah, maybe. My mother says it starts to get interesting again once you have kids, so here's hoping Christmas remains boring for a few more years.

Some people love Christmas for the gifts, other people love it for the food. Because you can't buy and cook a turkey any other time of year (pause to let that sink in.) And I mean if you're really in need of a gravy fix there's always KFC. Except that I think every tsp of KFC gravy takes 2.4 minutes of your life. That's the secret ingredient in KFC chicken - human life force. Still tasty though.

I actually prefer Easter to Christmas, probably because there's a lot less snow and a lot more finding chocolate eggs in random places for the next week (or the next year, which HAS happened.) And Easter hasn't been completely taken over by consumerism and AMAZING deals on KNOPE 2012 CAMPAIGN POSTERS, MOM AND DAD! At least I don't think it has. I mean, every type of chocolate bar has now converted itself to egg form. But egg-shaped Hershey's cookies and cream chocolates are the greatest thing in the entire world so I'm not complaining. Okay, maybe Easter is selling out too, but in a more delicious way than Christmas.

So, (damn it!) let's conclude this babbling. Christmas is a time for giving, sharing, loving and smiling even though you didn't get the gift you wanted. And no matter how consumerized it gets, you just have to remember that Christmas is not defined by the gifts, or the money, or the digging your car out of the driveway so that you can get to dinner (that has nothing to do with consumerism except that why the hell don't we have a snow blower?) It's about sharing the love and opening the damn cheese ball.

*Grammar Side Note - Do you pronounce "Xmas" as "Christmas" or do you say, "ex-mas" because I have no idea and the pronunciation dictates whether or not I should have used "an" or "a." I pronounce it "ex-mas" so my fellow grammar nazis can leave me alone on this one, okay? Also, I think I have some major comma mistakes happening in this little footnote. My apologies. 

The Alcohol vs. Weed Argument According To Me

Okay, I'm going to write it all out here and from now on whenever the conversation comes up I'm going to just hand out cards with this link on them. If you need background on the alcohol vs. weed thing, just Google it like normal humans. Okay, anywhooo...

I don't even 100% know why this is a debate because it's all about personal preference right? People who prefer weed will argue for weed, people who enjoy alcohol will argue for alcohol. There are countless websites that will tell you all kinds of info about both of them and they'll try to sway your opinion and whatever. (Have you ever been to marijuana.com? It's actually hilarious because everyone who posts comments on there is like the most typical stoner. Check it out and have a laugh, but remember that stuff they post on there about marijuana is super biased.)

That being said, let's get it out there that I do not smoke "the pot." I'm not just saying this because my mommy or grandma might read this, I'm saying it because it's true. I don't do it. This is a personal choice. And without getting into any more details, that is that.

But I do not condemn those who do smoke. I don't care. Just keep it away from me and I'm happy. (I have mixed feelings about the smell of weed. Sometimes I don't mind it and sometimes I want to rip off the heads of those people who are polluting my precious air. So you should probably just keep it away from me.)

On the other hand, I do enjoy consuming alcohol from time to time. I DON'T enjoy getting blackout drunk and throwing up in hot tubs. So here's the first point against alcohol: Too much of it. I know, you can smoke too much weed and green out. Yes, that's a thing. But it happens a lot less often. Although I might argue that people who black out often probably also smoke weed while they're drinking, but that's a stereotype and stereotypes are bad so pretend I didn't even bring that up. (But I did bring it up and it's pretty accurate.) 

Blacking out aside, alcohol in a small amount is great. It's social, it's "sophisticated," and it gives you that super happy feeling inside. And it's LEGAL. There's a big point against the pot. I don't care what anyone says about how harmless it is, pot is illegal until it's legal. And we have to assume there are reasons for that. I know, it's often unenforced in some countries, and it's essentially legal in some (did you know that pot isn't technically legal in the Netherlands, they just don't enforce the laws at all?) but it's illegal in most places. When you can buy pot at a corner store, we can start up a whole different conversation.

And then there's this whole idea held by extreme pot smokers and a lot of other people too, that you can't get addicted to weed. It's true, addiction to weed is nothing like cocaine or heroin. There aren't any physical withdrawal symptoms from weed, but you can become psychologically addicted, that's a known fact. And of course, alcoholism is a huge deal and it affects tons of people, but at least people who drink alcohol can admit that it's possible to be addicted. 

Here is my biggest problem with weed though, and it's where I'm going to end this tiny debate. For the most part, unless someone is an alcoholic or an idiot, people do not drink alcohol while they're going about their daily things. However, people seem to think it's okay to smoke weed whenever they feel like it throughout the day and everything will be fine. Well, guess what? No, it's not fine. People drive while high, work while high, take care of their kids while high. YOU'RE HIGH! I don't care how functional you think you are. You're still under the influence of a substance. Your reaction time is impaired, you're not thinking your best. If your day is so difficult that you need to smoke weed to get through it, well guess what, buddy? You have a psychological addiction, congratulations.

And it's not like people aren't going to notice. Not everyone is super naive. People know. 

So that's my biggest argument, and I feel like it trumps anything you have to say about alcohol. Yes, I know people DO drive while drunk, but it's a lot less common than driving while high. And that's scary.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get a huge argument going in the comments.... so let me know what you think about the whole thing.

7 Reasons You Look Super Cool Drinking Beer (Or Super Lame Not Drinking Beer)

1. When you have a beer, and people around you don't have a beer, everyone else wants a beer, and thus become extremely jealous that you have one. This is fairly simple and obvious. Even people who don't like beer are hypnotised by how thirst-quenching it looks, and I don't know anyone who would deny that.

2. You're not drinking a wimpy vodka cooler. Trust me a cooler does not make you look cooler, despite the misleading name. Vodka coolers are for wimps. (Note: I'm going to be completely honest and admit that coolers are too sweet for me and make me throw up every time, but that little issue is saving me from a whole lot of looking super lame.) No song has every been written about someone with an ice-cold Woody's in their hand.

3. Pointing at stuff with your beer bottle. You cannot point at stuff with a wine glass. You cannot point at stuff with a rye and coke. The only thing that is cooler than pointing with a beer is pointing with a cigarette but smoking is bad for you, so the beer will have to do (because alcohol has no negative effects on your life or health whatsoever).

4. You don't look like a pretentious jerk. (UNLESS you're drinking an obscure, unheard of, super expensive, gluten-free beer. Then you look like an a-hole.) When you're drinking scotch, you just kind of look like a snob, unless you're at a country club or have a monocle.

5. You look like a fun time. Everyone knows that people who drink beer are fun and laid back. But not too fun that you're going to be arrested (vodka) or end up naked in public (tequila).

6. It's like a special club. People will share their beer with you. If you're a known beer drinker, fellow beer lovers will share their brews with you, simply because you didn't have one in your hand at that second. No one shares their coolers like that because you can only but them four at a time. And no one's going to mix you a drink with their rum.

7. Because you're obviously loving your beer, and that makes you cool. Okay, that one's pretty stupid, but "6 reasons for something" for some reason sounds kinda lame.

Share any other reasons you can think of and be entered for a chance to win a beer*!







*You will not really win a beer, but you can go to your fridge and get one if you want.

The Blackout

Frosh week. Get drunk. Do stupid stuff. Forget everything.

But why? Honestly, the number of Facebook statuses I've read about getting blackout drunk or whatever, it's ridiculous. Why is getting crazy drunk considered an accomplishment? And you're a loser if you'd rather have a few drinks over a game of cards.

Don't get me wrong here, I like to have a few drinks, and I've had a few too many. But I don't start out with the intention of getting out of control. Binge drinking is exactly why we can't have a lower drinking age here. People get out of hand, and people do stupid things, and that's why there's puke on the stairs of every res building every Sunday morning.

And I can guarantee you that the kid who puked on the stairs tells that story like it's one about him finishing a marathon or something. This is something I do as well. Why do we tell our drunk tales like they're something to be proud of.? They're kind of not. Just because you got drunk, doesn't mean you had a good time. And you can have a good time without being drunk. Puking, to me, does not equal a good time.

But yet there they are, the pics on Facebook of some chick with her head in your toilet. And it's the best picture ever! Clearly the best night was had if there was puking involved. And the next thing you know that chick has this pic as her profile picture. Why are you bragging that you poisoned yourself and had to vomit up all the shrimp you ate at the pub (in a nice vodka-y puke-sauce, probably)?

Here's the thing I don't understand the most though. It honestly baffles me every time I see it, and I see it a lot. "Blackout tonight." What? You're planning to have an awesome time and forget about it completely? What's even the point? You essentially just lost an entire night of your life, so what was even the point of going out? More valuable memories could have been made by staying home. That said, I think a lot of the time when people "forget" the goings on of the night before, they're lying. No, I KNOW that a lot of the time when people forget things, they're lying.

What's the point here? I'm not telling people not to party. I really don't care, I'm only questioning why partying is held on such a pedestal. Are you proving that you don't care? Are you going against society in some way? Are you looking for an excuse to hook up with someone? Or is it just attention seeking (This one has my vote. People who stay in don't get attention, so let's go out and let strangers take shots off our bodies.) Whatever it is, I think it makes our society a little sloppy and most definitely not classy. But my rant on classiness is for another day.



PS: I know it's been a while, but expect more content soon and more often. Sometimes your brain goes through a dry spell and you don't have anything to rant about. Weird, but it happens.