The Five Dumbest Things Humans Do With Water

So, I think everyone is aware at this point that the world is running out of clean drinking water. And, if you didn't know about it, I'm sorry for drastically changing the way you brush your teeth (Hint: Turn the tap OFF when your toothbrush isn't under the water.)

So, let's talk about H20. Here are two water-related things I wrote to myself. I have no idea where I was going with either of them and this seems like as good a time as any to reveal them to the internet.

• During summer, a man came into my place of employment and asked me if we had any distilled water or if we only carried spring water. Since I have no idea what the hell(o kitty) distilled water is, I said, "I don't think I know the difference." Then he started going on about how distilled water is fully evaporated and then unevaporated or whatever the word for that is. Then he said, I kid you not, "I'm probably going to get in trouble for getting the wrong kind." Pardon? The wrong kind of WATER? That's close to the dumbest thing I've ever heard. (Note: Since I wrote this I have discovered that there are some breathing machines (or something rather, I don't know technical terms) that only take distilled water, but come on, science. Please. My apologies for being annoyed at this guy when more than likely this is all science's fault, as usual.)
• As a child, I ate a large amount of snow, which parents and teachers insist you do not do. But guess what? I'm fine, and all my friends who did the same are fine. And we were always very hydrated during the winter.

There, that was pointless. Now, let's turn this post into a list!

The Five Dumbest Things Humans Do With Water

Clearly this snow has
yet to be shoved into a pile.
That is a road, by the way.

5. Shovel it into huge, dirty piles. Yep, there's some precious frozen water, arguably the most important element on Earth, just shoved into a big pile mixed with gravel and mud. I don't really have a solution to this. Like, I'm assuming it's pretty pointless to ship snow across the world to countries that need water. And besides, snow is "dirty" apparently even though it's beautiful and white and sparkly. I mean, I know, we have to get it out of the way so we can drive and stuff, but is there NOTHING else we can do with it? It just seems like a huge waste, knowhatimsayin'?

4. Let children run through it/Slip N Slide on it/squirt it out of guns. I think there are people in this world who would weep to see the way that we waste water in the summer. I'm not saying that some of the best times of my life didn't involve a sprinkler or a squirt gun. I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, using fresh tap water to get revenge on your cousin for throwing you in the pool is pretty selfish and wasteful, in the grand scheme of things.

I didn't think a photo of me in the
shower would be appropriate,
so here's my adorable dog taking a bath.

3. Shower in it. A shower might not be so so bad if it was just an in and out sort of deal. I like to think that if you can use less water during your shower than it takes to fill up a bath tub, then maybe you've saved some. However, this doesn't count if you think about the fact that, as Laura Ingalls Wilder went into WAY too much detail about (I swear she was ALWAYS talking about bath water, jeez) there are times and places where people shared and reused bath water. Therefore, letting it all go down the drain, when most of it barely even touched you in the first place is actually a little bit crazy. This, plus the fact that, if you're like me, a shower is a time to contemplate all the world's problems and come up with good tweets. Why is a shower a better time for thinking than just sitting in a chair doing nothing? (Actually, it's because your brain is slightly preoccupied with something else. It's not really trying so hard to think about things, so you can come up with genius ideas. This is all accurate, I just don't have any real terms or definitions to back it up.)

2. Put it in plastic bottles and charge a ton of money for it. Ugh, this is where the thing about distilled water kind of comes back into the picture. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even wrap my head around the fact that people are allowed to sell water. It comes right out of the Earth, but even people who have access to it choose instead to buy it in a store for a stupid price. And there are all these different kinds(?!?) of water. There's classic spring water, which everyone believes to be just tap water, but I assume we'll never know the truth about that. Then there's distilled water. And this summer I started seeing oxygenated water, which is supposedly better for athletes because it prevents any bloating from drinking water or something like that (Personally, I think it's a trick to make people THINK regular water makes them bloated and less capable of doing athletic things, but what do I know, I don't do much more than walk and occasionally jog to catch the bus.) Then of course, there's carbonated water, which is all they drink in Europe and if you've ever read any of my Europe blogs you would know that I HATE IT. And I'm sure I missed a lot of other kinds(?!?), but come on people. Water is water.

Blurry, yes, sorry.
That's the risk you take when
you're a wildlife photographer.

1. Go to the bathroom in it. I talked about this in my Peeing In The Shower post earlier this year and again in Let's Save The Environment. Basically, what I said was WHY DO WE EXCRETE OUR WASTE INTO PERFECTLY CLEAN DRINKING WATER?!? It seems like cats and dogs have been hinting at us forever that we should be drinking out of there because they freaking love it. Like, I know cats who are excited when the toilet is flushed because they're reminded that there is delicious, cold water to be had in that big white thing that their owner sits on sometimes.

So, there you go. The weirdest thing about all this is that what we don't do enough of is actually drink water. Even in Canada where most of the world's fresh water is, a huge portion of the population is clinically dehydrated and they don't even know it. And, there's no way that I avoid doing all of these things. Just a few minutes ago, as I stopped to take a break to pee into some fresh water, I realized that my tap has been on just a little bit since the last time I was in there, probably a few hours ago. I am definitely just as guilty as everyone else, and frankly, until a war over water breaks out, I probably won't stop wasting it, because I'm a human, dam it. (Sea what I did there?)

Everything Is Dirty

I was listening to the radio today and a guy was talking about how gross it is to touch your phone and then eat with your bare hands. Think about all the places you've set your phone down, or how dirty your hands have been while you were holding your phone. Of course, I was listening to this just minutes after I'd held my phone in my teeth for a second while I was looking for my keys. I read something similar about purses and how they're actually the dirtiest things.

But this stuff doesn't really bother me. You can't always think about stuff like that because it just never ends. EVERYTHING IS DIRTY. Examples:

Let's think about eating at the food court in the mall. Maybe you washed your hands before eating, and there's that weird trust we all have in our food preparing associates that they did the same. But is the table you're eating at clean? Is the tray clean? Did those paper plates all fall on the ground but someone picked them up and decided to use them anyways? Did someone sample some food with that fork and then rinse it off and give it to you to use? Did a crazy person dip the plastic forks in the ebola virus while everyone else had their backs turned? The answer to all of these questions: Maybe. You can never be positive that everything is clean. For all you know, the factory that those utensils were made at is crawling with rats and they used the plastic fork boxes as a bathroom. You weren't there, you don't know.

The exact same situation can be applied to straws. Some people won't drink from cans because there might be mouse poop on the tops. How do you know there wasn't a straw accident where hundreds of straws were dropped all over the ground and then people just picked them up and put them in boxes anyways? Employees at Straws Inc. don't give a dingle whether your straws are clean or not, they just want to fix their problem as quickly as possible. And what if the dude who closes all the straw boxes had a runny nose or sneezed or something and got your straws all mucousy? You don't know.

What about in your own house? Is your table clean? I mean, I guess you can clean it and then you'll know it's clean... But is it REALLY clean? You can't see germs. How do you know they're not there? You probably missed only one germ, and it was the one that will kill you. Or something. I know it's not likely at all, but HOW DO YOU KNOW? Is that scary?

I think about my own house. My dog always sets his chin on the table because he thinks it makes him look cute so we'll give him food. But wait... Did he just go outside and munch on a rotting squirrel carcass? Did he just sniff a little too closely to a pile of coyote excrement? I DON'T KNOW. And even worse is that he sleeps in my bed.

The thing is, all you have to do is touch one unclean surface and then touch a clean surface with the same hand/elbow/wrist/forehead and boom, the clean surface is now unclean. Where am I going with this? Stop thinking about germs so much. It's pointless. But you should probably still wash your hands and shower. Use hand sanitizer and cough into your elbow crease, not onto your hands. There are obviously things we can do to prevent spreading more germs, but there is no way to prevent all germs, so why do we think about things like that so much and why do idiot radio hosts think it's a good idea to point out stupid things like this?

Professor McGonagall Watched Me Pee (More Bathroom Talk)

Here's a fun fact that you should know about me: I have a recurring dream (nightmare) about having to pee in a room with a lot of toilets but no stalls. I mean I have this dream probably once a month. And no, it never ends with me peeing my bed, because I never actually get to do any peeing because I'm too busy panicking about all the people who are about to see me void my bladder.

The dream comes in variations. It usually starts with me in a shopping mall or a grocery store or on a train with a giant pool full of inmates on it (that was a particularly strange one.) Then, I realize I have to pee and I find the bathroom, which is usually a maze (and I mean maze like that one windows screensaver that I spent many many minutes as a child just staring at and then I would accidentally bump against the mouse and have to wait five minutes before the screen saver came on again. That kind of maze.) with toilets scattered all over the place and ladies who I don't know happily peeing and chatting with their friends. Is this weird yet? 

Occasionally the dream will consist of only one person potentially seeing me urinate instead of a whole bunch of people. For instance once Professor McGonagall just stared at me while it happened, and another time (even more disturbing) my Grade 6 teacher was there. I don't know if that has something to do with teachers making me feel uncomfortable? I don't really think they do. Freud might say it means I want to sleep with all my teachers or something. But let's not look into that too much.

The conclusion I've drawn is that this dream just represents the kind of feelings I have towards personal stuff like peeing (and other bathroom duties) or maybe even the kind of private person I am all together. Above hiding physical stuff from people, I also like to keep a lot of my emotional stuff on the DL. This may shock a lot of people who have read my tweets or some of my previous blog posts. Yes, I think my dream is just about keeping private stuff private, and not about wanting to copulate with my professors. 

Anyways, I'm currently reading Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris. Excellent read, I suggest you all give it a try. In one of the chapters he describes a trip to Beijing. "My trip reminded me that we are all just animals, that stuff comes out of every hole we have, no matter where we live or how much money we've got. On some level we all know this and manage, quite pleasantly, to shove it towards the back of our minds." He goes on to say that in China they put it all out in the open. Because after all, it's natural. If I had the courage to tell you all the bathroom stories that have caused me immense amounts of stress in my life, I would. But alas, I am not nearly that brave. Because our society has taught us all to pretend that pee and poop don't happen. The hot people on TV's most popular dramas never stop what they're doing because they have intestinal distress. Dexter never tells his victim that he'll BRB because he has to take care of business. They don't show the part in Indiana Jones where he has to squat in the corner of a cave and relieve himself. Even poor Pumbaa sang that whole bit about being exiled because he had frequent gas. 

Western society just doesn't have a place for bathroom business. Even bathrooms aren't safe for doing some bathroom related things. Ever sit in a stall for 20 minutes just waiting for all the other people to leave? (I'm painfully aware that some people do not have this problem.) And thus we are all doomed to walk around with cramps and bubbly pressure for our entire lives (or until we're old and can't hold it in any more.)

Afterthought: I'm aware that pee and poop have become the subject of not one, not two, but three of my posts. It's easy to talk about it when no one is looking you straight in the face and you can just pretend that someone hacked your account and you didn't write a word of it.

I Don't Give A Fork

Forks are, in my opinion, one of the most unnecessary human inventions.

Now you're probably coming up with all kinds of foods that you think require forks because they are messy. (For example, waffles, chicken parm, pasta, salad, etc.) But now I'm going to name a few "finger-foods" that can be equally as messy: S'mores, beaver tails, chillidogs, etc. 

Basically everything can be eaten with your hands. (I'll talk about spoons in a minute, just hold your freaking horsies.) You just have to get over this weird fear that people have of getting food on your hands. Want to know what's really tasty? Licking spaghetti sauce/pie filling/peanut butter/whatever off your fingers when you're done eating. 

Seriously, eating and classiness should not go together. I often find that my inner ravenous beast comes out when I'm eating, so I don't want to be held back by strategically gathering up my pasta with a pronged utensil. I want to use my extremely versatile fingers to scoop that stuff up and shove it in my mouth. But society says that this isn't allowed. We aren't allowed to go to East Side Mario's and cram handfuls of pasta into our pieholes with our hands because we would be gawked at and possibly even asked to leave. By why? Why do you care what method of transportation I use to get sustenance off my plate and into my mouth?

Fancy restaurants are overrated. Have you ever seen Eat St.? Holy, the food on that show looks amazing. And all of it is messy and none of it is fancy but everyone who is even in the vicinity of the food is happy as a clam. Have you ever been to a fancy restaurant? The portions are small and the food is placed in such a way that you don't even want to touch it because clearly someone just spent ten minutes balancing your steak on top of a scallop and drizzling just the right amount of sauce (or something. Do those go together?) And everyone is so "polite" or "dainty" or "anorexic" that they only eat 2 of their 5 $30 pasta shells and three pieces of lettuce (but mysteriously the wine is all gone.)

Okay, so, back to utensils. Spoons. Spoons are used for slightly messier foods, ones that are more liquidy, in case you weren't sure. However, that are not necessary. I wouldn't necessarily suggest eating soup with your hands although it IS possible. But some of it may drip through the cracks and wasting is shameful. However, here's a fun tip: soup can be drunk (Drank? Drinked?) just like water (with big chunks floating in it.) And yogurt/pudding/ice cream/etc. can all be eaten with your hands, I've done it. 

Knives? Butter knives are dumb. They can barely even be used as weapons. Just slather it on there with your fingers. Whatever.

"But who cares whether or not we use forks and spoons?" Lot's of people. Think of how many resources are used up by manufacturing utensils. They're constantly being lost and broken so people need new ones. A monkey could find a lost fork and use it to stab out the eyeball of the monkey king. (Monkeys have monarchies right?) And plastic utensils?! They get left in landfills to pump toxins into the environment and dolphins are probably choking on them in the ocean.

And think about how much time could be saved if we didn't have to teach toddlers how to manage forks? We could just let them go ahead with their primal instincts and use their chubby little hands. (Shut up, people who point out that monkeys shove sticks into anthills. That's not even the same thing and you know it.) Plus there's no more need to embarrass yourself with airplane/choo choo train sounds while you're feeding your kid.

I think the main idea to take away from all this, however, is that society puts too much pressure on us while we're eating. Eating is one of the most natural things we can do. Do you think cavemen took the time to arrange their food and strategically place their cutlery before meals? No! Do you think they wiped their mouths on their napkins and held in their burps until they were alone in the bathroom later? No! Do you think they casually sipped their chardonnay with one pinky out? No!

I think we should all go back to our roots, and eat with our hands. We have soap and we have handwashing tutorial videos on Youtube. There is no reason that we should be afraid of germs. In fact, in a lot of cases, I question the cleanliness of cutlery in restaurants. I'm willing to bet that the guy whose credit card didn't work, who is paying off his bill by cleaning dishes in the back, isn't doing a very good job.

So, at your next dinner party, remember to not give a fork and eat with your hands.

Bacon

Okay, so pretty much every person who loves their taste buds loves bacon. I love bacon. You love bacon. Vegetarians love bacon but they'll deny it. I don't consider vegans to be people so it doesn't matter if they love bacon or not. (I really hope I don't have to tell you that this is a joke.) As far as bacon loving goes, however, I'm actually kind of picky. So, I've decided to dedicate this post to some bacon related things. I don't really know why. For lack of anything else to write about, I suppose.

I want to just throw out there that when it comes to this particular post I give exactly zero Fs about healthiness and longevity or whatever so GET OUT OF HERE, HEALTHY PEOPLE. Although turkey bacon is pretty tasty as well, so there's that.

I seem to have somehow given people the idea that I am a bacon fanatic. Don't get me wrong. I love it and would eat it constantly, all day. But there are certain ways that it is prepared that I have been known to say no to, if I'm not in the mood.

1. It has to be crispy. Not chewy. My brothers are the exact opposite so you can see how this may cause a problem when it comes to family breakfasttime. However, props to them because they ALWAYS make sure to save me bacon when they make it. So I eat the chewy flesh even though it kind of feels like I might as well be just gnawing on a live pig. 
2. Bacon on pizza. Not for me. Pizza is my favourite, and I love bacon, but I don't care for them together, usually. Not that I wouldn't eat multiple slices of pizza with bacon on it. It's just not one of the toppings I would choose. (For the record, my preference is pepperoni, sausage and green olives.)
3. You can maybe assume from #1 that bacon on any sandwich is good IF it is crispy. Same goes for burgers. Fun bacon tip: Get the microwavable stuff. It takes barely any time at all to get super crispy in the microwave AND it is surprisingly delicious. Good for sammies.
4. When I'm at a restaurant for breakfast I always choose sausage over bacon. Every time. Some days when I'm feeling particularly fat and hungry I will ask for bacon as well as sausage, but it's never my first choice. Ham is never even an option, in my mind. And I don't even know what peameal (or Canadian) bacon is. It sounds weird.

Here are some delicious and/or disgusting things that have happened regarding bacon in my life:

• Candied bacon. Like, Epic Meal Time style. This turns some people off because they're FOOD WIMPS. I have no time for food wimps. You can't assume you're going to dislike it, you just have to try it. This is my belief when it comes to anything food related.

• These bacon cups. Delicious and easy to make. Fill them with mac and cheese or scrambled eggs or if you're concerned about dying a death by calories you could use them as a bowl for salad. We also made smaller ones with candied bacon, filled them with melted chocolate and a piece of strawberry. Those were maybe the greatest thing in the history of things but they were consumed too quickly for pictures. Note: This really only works with two layers of bacon. One layer and they fall apart.

• Confession time. Once, I ate the piece of bread that was used to soak up the bacon grease. (This is the disgusting thing. I'm almost ashamed of myself. Almost.) I don't really know why, I guess I was just curious, and I mean, why should the dogs be the only ones to try it? But, I think curiosity almost killed this cat because my heart started beating pretty slowly. So, don't try that one, even though I know everyone wonders what it tastes like (I hope everyone does. Don't tell me I'm the only fat, disgusting one here. You're the one who clicked this post just because it's called "Bacon.") I think it was good, but the aftereffects were not so great so I will not be giving it a second chance

• This bacon-infused beer. It was pretty heavy stuff, so only one glass for me, please. But bacon+beer probably cannot go wrong. Right? Plus, it's called Aporkalypse Now which is hilarious and fantastic. I'm almost positive that this beer was only being brewed for a limited time, though, so it is possible you'll never get to try it, if you haven't tried it already. Sorry for the poor picture quality. That's Hog's Back Brewing Company, if you can't see it.

• Bacon candy canes. Don't EVER eat these. They taste like ashes on the ground after a pig farm burned down. Do, however, give them to your friends and tell them that they're cherry flavoured.

Okay, so I'm going to end this post with a quote from my mother, for all the animal rights people who somehow haven't been turned back on to bacon after the sizzley, delicious looking photos above. 

"If we aren't supposed to eat pigs, why do they look like roasts with legs?"

She's such a smart lady. 

Anyways, share your bacon adventures in the comments. I'd like to try new bacon related things. And don't give me any crap about vegan bacon, for God's sake, because this is how I feel about it -> YOUTUBE LINK THAT I DO NOT OWN.

Peeing in the Shower

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I know virtually nothing about cleanliness. I have a fork sitting on my desk from two days ago that I'm too lazy to wash or bring to the sink.

Let's start this one out with a simple statement: Humans are disgusting. That being said, there are certain degrees to our disgustingness. And I have a feeling that different circumstances call for different amounts of cleanliness. And also, people have different opinions about what is "clean" and what is "dirty." Additionally, I don't really know where this paragraph is headed, so let's start again.

Humans are gross. Regardless of how many times you shower today, dude, you're probably mostly just moving various germs and dirt particles around to different areas of your body with your sketchy loofah that your roommate probably secretly uses sometimes because he's too cheap to buy his own. (Note: If my roommate is reading this, I DO NOT use your loofah. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to rub your skin particles all over me if I can avoid it.)

You can wash your hands as many times as you like but there's no escaping germs. Think about this: How often do you rub your hands on your pants? If you're cursed with extremely sweaty hands like I am, you probably do it all the time. And how many germy surfaces do you touch before you rub your hands on your pants? If you're like me and you love touching germy surfaces, then the number is probably pretty high. So, think about how many germs your pants have accumulated. I only bring this up because when people tell you to open doors with your sleeves and to not touch homeless people, they totally overlook the fact that your pants are probably just as disgusting, if not more disgusting, than both of those things.

I really hope that last paragraph benefitted your life in some way. It's just an epiphany I had and I thought I should share it. But please, don't take it as a go-ahead from me for you to go pantless in public.

The fact is, most people don't even know how to properly wash their hands. I'll admit that I probably do a terrible job of it, even though I've watched countless scenes of Grey's Anatomy where the characters have super intense conversations about life while "scrubbing" their hands before surgery.

"But the title of this post is peeing in the shower and you have not addressed shower urination at all, Alene!" Hold your horses, loves, I'm getting there. I'm about to make a somewhat taboo statement.

Of all the dirty things in this world that humans do, I feel as if peeing in the shower is the least gross. Let me rephrase this: I actually think it's cleaner than most things humans do. Hear me out.

Pee is sterile. Also, you pee in the shower, you wash your hair, the shampoo runs down your body and into the drain and everything is all soaped up and "clean" again.

I think we would all be shocked and disgusted if we could somehow find out how often we come in contact with pee during our lives. Those pants you bought at Value Village? Some drunk chick peed herself on the street in those. Lying in that field with the love of your life, looking at the stars? A badger chose that place to relieve itself yesterday. And guess what? You did not die because of this pee. (Again, I am not a medical professional and if it is possible that death can occur from laying in badger pee, please correct me.)

But the fact is, pee is not a big deal. There are plenty of far worse things to worry about. And besides, some people even like it. (Whoa, we won't go there today. Hopefully we'll never have to go there ever. I'm not that pro-pee, thank you.)

And who was it who decided that humans HAVE to pee in the toilet? The toilet is literally one of the most ridiculous human inventions ever. "Oh, let's take our fresh water, sh*t in it, and then flush it away." But dogs have to go to the bathroom outside because they're not important and we don't mind looking at their poop so much. Why is human excrement so much scarier to see than other animal's? So many poop-related questions. I think those are for another day, though.

Now please, I did not say that I personally pee in the shower, I just said that I don't have a problem with it. And also, sometimes you just really have to go. I hope I don't lose any friends because of this. There are plenty of way dirtier things to worry about, like the guy who just picked his nose, then examined all the apples at Metro or the weird waiter who licks all the cutlery before putting it on the table. With that in mind, have a nice night, and order only finger foods at the pub later.

Kissing Is Weird

I assume you read the title of this post, so, I don't think I really need much more of an intro than that. Kissing is WEIRD. It is. Press your face up against someone else's for a little bit. Touch your mouths together. Your mouths, where bacteria and all kinds of yucky stuff lives. And then tongues get involved and SERIOUSLY?! That's disgusting.

Why is it that sharing a tooth brush is considered absolutely horrid, but we can rub our saliva all over each other's mouths and that's super romantic or hot or attractive or whatever it is?
And you wouldn't walk up to someone you don't know at a bar and take a sip from their drink (I say this, but a guy definitely walked up to me at a bar once and drank half my beverage but I think he may be an exception to the rule because I was in Montreal and everything is backwards there.) I do, however, know plenty of people who would walk up to a person and start kissing them.

Now, I'm not really a big germaphobe. I don't believe in the ten-second rule, I believe in the however-long-it-takes-me-to-see-it-and-pick-it up-off-the-ground rule (with exceptions to certain questionable locations such as bathrooms and airplane tray tables.) But retrieving your food off the ground is a matter of survival and environmental friendliness! Touching your tongue against another person's is not.

It's like when suddenly you're in a relationship with someone (this counts friendships, because friends do this to) it's okay to take a sip from their drink because clearly if you know this person they must not be carrying any diseases or dangerous bacterias. And everyone who you don't know very well must have a mouth crawling with the plague, obviously. For instance, one time at Costco my mother took a drink of what she thought was my beverage, but it was actually just a cup that had been left on the table from the previous inhabitant (BTW this is a pet peeve of mine. Throw out your damn cup, you lazy jerks.) Anyway, so Mom takes a sip, before I could inform her that this was not my cup. She of course proceeded to spit the contents out, which I think is a natural reaction. But think about it: Why is that cup any less sanitary than drinking out of my cup? I don't think there is any such thing as a clean human mouth, so what's the difference? (In case you were wondering how the Costco story ends, I was scolded for not throwing out Mr. Lazy's cup before I sat down because I was supposed to foresee that my mother was not going to buy herself a drink and was just going to steal mine. Sorry, Mom. My intentions here are not to sound like a brat, I just feel as if you should have purchased your own beverage. I'm a thirsty girl.)

This is a PG blog, so I'm not even going to get into how weird other things humans do together are (again, if you really think about them. And more so if you take a quick surf through urbandictionary.com. It's a real eye-opener.) No, actually, let's talk about it. Why (why why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!) is it acceptable to put our mouths ALL up in other people's unmentionable areas? It's not even like this is an animalistic thing, really, because I think only monkeys and dolphins do it too, and they're like super smart. But probably I'm being extremely ignorant to all kinds of knowledge and studies that say differently. Whatever. Anyhoo, we all know what comes out of those areas, correct? But I'm doubting I could find a lot of people who would lick the inside of a toilet bowl. See what I'm saying here? Yet, this is an acceptable (to some extent) practice.

So, we can put our mouths all over each other, but when a dog comes along and tries to lick the remnants of your breakfast burrito from the corner of your mouth, that's disgusting and you have to go rinse your mouth out and spit for like ten minutes and cut your lips off. Okay, to be fair, that dog was just licking its butt and eating a dead squirrel but for all you know the guy you kissed at da club last night also enjoys the occasional road-kill snack. I'm not saying making out with your dog is something that should start happening, but I'm just saying I think it's funny what we deem as gross and what we deem as a fun past-time with another person.

Unsanitary-ness aside, kissing is also weird in the way that dancing is weird. Waving your limbs around and wiggling. Have you ever stood above a dancefloor and just watched everyone? It's actually hilarious, regardless of how "good" a dancer you are. (I know we're getting off topic, but I actually think that the most ridiculous-looking dancers are the "professionals." I'm possibly way over-thinking or over-analyzing the act of dancing. But over-thinking is what I do. That's why this post exists.) Anyway, kissing, shoving your mouth against another person's. Or against their forehead or cheek or whatever. For birds, this exact action is called pecking and it's an act of aggression (I assume, because I know essentially nothing about birds.) And this is arguably the most sincere way we have of telling people we're attracted to them or we like them or whatever. Or at least that's what movies teach us.

I don't want to get into the psych behind kissing or the biological reasons that we enjoy it, I'm just saying that it's weird when you look at the big picture.

In case you want to check out someone else's view on the weirdness of kissing, I found this fun article as well, on a website that I personally enjoy very much. I found this AFTER I wrote most of my post so there is no plagiarism involved, you scholarly jerks. Study: Kissing is Really Weird from hahajk.com.

Public Restrooms

If you're a human being, which I assume you are, there are certain bodily things that you cannot avoid. These bodily things often bring us to the most terrifying place known to the world. I'm talking about public restrooms. We could go on and on about what makes a public bathroom so scary, but I've narrowed it down to a list of the top 5 scariest things (according to me) about public bathrooms. (I'm talking specifically about the women's bathroom. I do not know what happens in the men's and I do not care to.)

5. That lady who you watch leave the stall and walk directly out the door without even pretending to wash her hands. Thank you, Lady, for wiping your genital germs all over the door handle and subsequently all over everything in the mall/all the plates in the buffet/all the play place balls at McDonalds.

4. The giant group of girls who are all checking their hair and make-up and I just want to wash my hands and get back to the giant plate of nachos that I didn't plan on sharing with anyone but now my friends are probably feasting on them, excuse me please! This was always the worst between classes in high school when girls would go to reapply their make-up after every class. Actually, when I think about it I'm not sure if it was the same girls doing this every break or if it was just that half the girls in my high school looked exactly the same. Regardless, this is intimidating for me since I often go to the washroom alone in order to avoid inconveniencing my friends or whoever despite the golden rule of girlhood which states one must always go to the bathroom in a group.

3. Everything is always wet. I don't really think I need to explain why this is disturbing, so all I will do is pose this one simple yet baffling and disturbing question: What exactly IS this liquid that is covering EVERYTHING?

2. Running out of TP. This is always the worst. And jeepers, what if you broke female tradition and went to the bathroom by yourself? And so you have to ask a stranger beside you for some and she's probably been sitting in that stall all day waiting for someone to ask her for TP because that's how she chooses her next murder victim. TP tip courtesy of my mother: When in a TP pickle, just use the TP roll itself. (It should be noted that this is a solution that only works when peeing. If other functions have occurred, you're, forgive me, SOL.)

1. Making eye contact with someone through the crack in the stall. This is by far my worst fear. I have a recurring nightmare where I have to use a public bathroom and there's no door on the stall or there's no stall at all. (This is a true story. I have it ALL the time.) And think about this: How often do you look up when you're using a public bathroom? Never. Someone could be standing on the toilet in the next stall and watching you. I'm just saying, there are some creepy people out there. And let's not overlook those pesky little brats crawling around on the ground and looking under stalls. Has this ever happened to you? It happened to me sometime during my pubescent years and I don't think I ever recovered from it. But back to the crack thing (that's a joke that cannot be avoided in this case.) I know most people don't mean to do it, but sometimes your eyes get a little bit out of control and you accidentally peek. I can't be the only person who this has accidentally happened to (Please tell me I'm not the only person this has accidentally happened to.) So, regardless of what side of the stall door you're on, that crack in the stall door is a dangerous thing.

You may have noticed that I left out the thing that most people are most afraid of. You all know what I'm referring 2. But I was trying not 2 get 2 graphic and it generally goes without saying, so I left it out. 2. (<---- Did you figure it out yet?)
So now, please forward this to your friend who just dragged you to the bathroom with her even though you didn't have to go in hopes that she'll hurry the hell up so you can get out of this wretched place. And remember, wash your damn hands!

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me The Final Part

I know I said the last one was the last one but let's face it, I find new things to be scared of every day. So, similarly to the Final Destination films which have fuelled so many of my irrational fears, Paranoid is back, even after I promised it was finished.

16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.

17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.

18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.

19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.

20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.


Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.

Don't Eat Plants

I can't even believe the selfishness of some humans, honestly. Like just because we have all of this technology and higher cognitive function we can prey on whatever weaker species we like. And these other beings try SO HARD to stay alive. They have mechanisms and processes going on inside of them that the average person can't even begin to understand. I'm talking about plants, you guys. Poor, innocent plants.

Plants provide our world with nothing but beauty. Gorgeous forests, stunning fields of flowers, gardens that take your breath away. But humans come along, all high and mighty, and pluck these plants out of the ground like they're nothing.
It's like if elephants developed some kind of super powers and became invincible (probably after a nuclear war) then decided they would start eating humans. They could just come along and snatch you out of your car and there would be nothing you could do about it. That's what it's like when humans eat plants.

And VEGETARIANS!? They have the nerve of eating only plants. The weakest of all species on Earth and these monsters prey specifically on them. And they'll argue that they just take the fruit. That the plant will be okay. But that apple is the plant's OVARY. Yeah. What if a giant came along and plucked your ovaries out? Doesn't seem so harmless now, does it? I don't even know how vegetarians can live with themselves. They prey on the weakest of living things. They're the cruelest of humans.

"But plants don't feel anything!" Umm.. did a plant tell you that it can't feel anything? No!

Animals? Animals are pests. Animals root through our garbage and destroy our yards. They steal our babies and defecate on our cars. Plants have never done a bad thing. Except for what, grow through cracks in your sidewalk? Fallen over on your house because ANIMALS have damaged its physical stability?

If we really are a higher species, if we really are a progressive and caring race, we would do something about this issue. Have a heart. Join me. Join in the fight to protect our plant friends. Don't eat plants. 

Being A Grown Up

The surprisingly difficult things that you didn't realize were difficult until you had to do them yourself. Maybe most of these were only difficult for me. Yes, okay, actually, let's start over:

Things That I Found Surprisingly Difficult Once I Had To Do Them Myself:

Hair appointments. #1 reason I find this hard to do is that I absolutely hate the phone so making appointments is scary. (That being said my mommy made my last hair appointment so this is a moot point.) I hate that you can hear a voice, but you can't see a face. And I hate the way my voice sounds. I don't want to sound like an idiot. And it's super unfortunate that there's no way to edit the stupid things you say on the phone. Plus when I get there I always panic and I don't know what to tell the hairdresser. 

Cleanliness. The fact that I'm sitting here in sweatpants that haven't been washed in who knows how long, with piles of clothing and empty bottles surrounding me and unwashed dishes on my desk says it all. (That's a real photo from my dorm room last year. Things have not changed.)

Ordering Food Over The Phone. (Because this is an option now that I'm out of the small town scene.) Again, with the phones. I hate them. And then you have to go meet the creepy delivery guy downstairs where he'll probably kidnap you and take you away to be his sex slave and live in his yucky pizza-box-filled basement.

Laundry. Everyone agrees with laundry, but a lot of it might have something to do with having to go all the way to the basement of the building you're living in to actually do the laundry. Or at least that's how I feel. And everyone else using the laundry room is always an idiot! I've found it very tempting to just go out and buy new underwear every week.

Grocery shopping... Alone. I never know what to buy and I always find that I buy too little or I buy a bunch of stuff that I don't even actually want. Plus, it's scary, going into that big place all alone, facing all the intimidating old ladies with their reusable bags and Air Miles cards. They mean business, but you're just a little university student trying to get her Mr. Noodles.

Healthy eating. Pizza pockets are easier than salad, okay!

Finding someone to talk to. We're going to get a little serious, just for a sec. It's tough to talk to other university students about your problems because they have lots of problems of their own. Not having your mommy there all the time to chat with is tough, at least for me.

The emergency room. Last year I accidentally sliced a tiny piece off the end of one of my fingers. (See pic.) There was blood everywhere and I was freaking out because I thought it was a lot worse than it actually was (I thought my finger was going to have a chunk out of it forever.) But despite the bleeding,  I was absolutely terrified to go to the hospital without my mom, so I didn't. Everything is fine, now (except now when you look suuper close, my finger is a weird shape, I SWEAR!) but I'm not going to be able to skip the emergency room in more severe cases like if a bookcase falls on me or if I accidentally cut off my whole arm with a rusty saw.

There are definitely a lot more of these things I'm going to discover as I get older. I'm super lucky that I can call my mom or dad up almost any time and ask them how the heck I'm supposed to do this stuff. I'm sure I'll repay them someday (when they turn 65 and I don't immediately send them to a nursing home.)

The Alcohol vs. Weed Argument According To Me

Okay, I'm going to write it all out here and from now on whenever the conversation comes up I'm going to just hand out cards with this link on them. If you need background on the alcohol vs. weed thing, just Google it like normal humans. Okay, anywhooo...

I don't even 100% know why this is a debate because it's all about personal preference right? People who prefer weed will argue for weed, people who enjoy alcohol will argue for alcohol. There are countless websites that will tell you all kinds of info about both of them and they'll try to sway your opinion and whatever. (Have you ever been to marijuana.com? It's actually hilarious because everyone who posts comments on there is like the most typical stoner. Check it out and have a laugh, but remember that stuff they post on there about marijuana is super biased.)

That being said, let's get it out there that I do not smoke "the pot." I'm not just saying this because my mommy or grandma might read this, I'm saying it because it's true. I don't do it. This is a personal choice. And without getting into any more details, that is that.

But I do not condemn those who do smoke. I don't care. Just keep it away from me and I'm happy. (I have mixed feelings about the smell of weed. Sometimes I don't mind it and sometimes I want to rip off the heads of those people who are polluting my precious air. So you should probably just keep it away from me.)

On the other hand, I do enjoy consuming alcohol from time to time. I DON'T enjoy getting blackout drunk and throwing up in hot tubs. So here's the first point against alcohol: Too much of it. I know, you can smoke too much weed and green out. Yes, that's a thing. But it happens a lot less often. Although I might argue that people who black out often probably also smoke weed while they're drinking, but that's a stereotype and stereotypes are bad so pretend I didn't even bring that up. (But I did bring it up and it's pretty accurate.) 

Blacking out aside, alcohol in a small amount is great. It's social, it's "sophisticated," and it gives you that super happy feeling inside. And it's LEGAL. There's a big point against the pot. I don't care what anyone says about how harmless it is, pot is illegal until it's legal. And we have to assume there are reasons for that. I know, it's often unenforced in some countries, and it's essentially legal in some (did you know that pot isn't technically legal in the Netherlands, they just don't enforce the laws at all?) but it's illegal in most places. When you can buy pot at a corner store, we can start up a whole different conversation.

And then there's this whole idea held by extreme pot smokers and a lot of other people too, that you can't get addicted to weed. It's true, addiction to weed is nothing like cocaine or heroin. There aren't any physical withdrawal symptoms from weed, but you can become psychologically addicted, that's a known fact. And of course, alcoholism is a huge deal and it affects tons of people, but at least people who drink alcohol can admit that it's possible to be addicted. 

Here is my biggest problem with weed though, and it's where I'm going to end this tiny debate. For the most part, unless someone is an alcoholic or an idiot, people do not drink alcohol while they're going about their daily things. However, people seem to think it's okay to smoke weed whenever they feel like it throughout the day and everything will be fine. Well, guess what? No, it's not fine. People drive while high, work while high, take care of their kids while high. YOU'RE HIGH! I don't care how functional you think you are. You're still under the influence of a substance. Your reaction time is impaired, you're not thinking your best. If your day is so difficult that you need to smoke weed to get through it, well guess what, buddy? You have a psychological addiction, congratulations.

And it's not like people aren't going to notice. Not everyone is super naive. People know. 

So that's my biggest argument, and I feel like it trumps anything you have to say about alcohol. Yes, I know people DO drive while drunk, but it's a lot less common than driving while high. And that's scary.

Anyway, I'm hoping to get a huge argument going in the comments.... so let me know what you think about the whole thing.

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 3

Yes, there are more.

11. Living upstairs. "What?" you say. You don't know how reliably that floor has been built. It could give away at any time and then you're falling to your death, impaling yourself on your downstairs neighbour's large, pointy, unnecessary statue that takes up half their living room. Or you just hit your head and die, whatever.

12. Eating fruit. No, I'm not just making things up at this point. A lot of the time while I'm sitting there, munching an apple, all I can think about is "what if there's some kind of bug in here and I eat it and it claws at my insides and infects them and I die?" The possibility of choking is, of course, there as well but I'm hardly concerned about that.

13. Standing on anything that is not solid ground. Okay, I'll get on that chair and make one wrong move and then tip over and grab onto the curtains but then the curtains rip and I fall and smash my head off the window sill and then again off the floor and then death happens. Skateboards? Jesus Murphy, no. The most dramatic imagery I ever imagined in my life was when parents would say, "don't do that, you'll crack your head open," and all I could see was my head like an egg against the edge of a bowl. ALL parents said something like this, so you're ALL to blame for my intense fear of falling.

14. Gas pumps. This one sucks, because I work at a gas station. But really, one mis-flicked cigarette ash lands in the wrong spot on the ground and BOOM! we're all dead. Or, the people who leave their car on while you're pumping because, "it won't start again if I turn it off." Yeah? Well it won't start again if it's in two billion little pieces after the whole place blows up either. I like being whole. I got super upset after losing the most minuscule piece off the end of my finger (you can see it if you squint, I swear.) "Oh, but those signs that say no smoking and turn off your car, what about those?" you just said accusingly towards your computer screen. No one listens to signs in the real world, dummy.

15. Those big trucks that are carrying like 20 cars. What if one just came loose and crushed you while you're driving behind that thing? I don't know what is possibly more terrifying than a car flying from 15 feet in the air directly at your face. Maybe like an airplane falling out of the sky but whatever. Just put those cars on a train and save me the anxiety, okay?!


I think this is the end of the Paranoid saga. If you haven't read parts 1 and 2, you can do so here.
Also, I'd like to hear what you're afraid of. Leave a comment. I looove comments.

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 2

5 more things that I'm always pretty concerned will end my life. It's a scary world out there!

6. Intersections/parking lots. Yes, we walk/drive through these all the time. But really, think about how much trust is actually required when you do. You have to trust that a complete stranger doesn't suddenly feel a lust for blood and run you over. That's actually a huge amount. Not to mention all the possible people falling asleep at the wheel/toddlers accidentally putting the car in drive.

7. Escalators. You accidentally trip at the last second and your head gets gobbled up. You don't step off soon enough and you're bleeding out because it ripped our leg off. Someone standing behind you suddenly decides to murder you. You fall down the up escalator and you just keep falling and falling and falling because it's always going up, you can never reach the bottom. Point made, I believe.

8. Power outlets. I pretty much have a mini panic attack every time I plug something in or unplug something. Why? Easy. So many things could go wrong. The cord could be a little cracked or broken. A whole bunch of other technical electriciany stuff could go on... You get the point. Electricity is scary and even though we use it every day, that does not mean it is your friend.

9. Wearing loose shirts to bed. This one sounds dumb, but people have been strangled by weirder things.

10. Elevators. Self-explanatory. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that you could drop to your death at any time from great heights (but you totally could.) My biggest fear here is getting stuck and slowly wasting away in a tiny box that feels like it's continually getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And you could be stuck in there with all sorts of crazies, just to make it worse.



If you haven't read Part 1 of Paranoid click here --> here.
For Part 3 click here --> here.

If you have any comments or concerns or you heard a funny joke today, feel free to leave them in the comment box below.

Also, don't be scared to share. I can almost assure you that you won't end up dead from pressing a button on the internet. Almost...

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 1

I am afraid of the weirdest things. Honestly, I'm aware that some of these are totally irrational fears, but at the same time, there's always the possibility of freak accidents. Don't ever think that you're the exception! One day an anvil might be dropped from a building and you may be standing beneath it. You can't prove that it won't happen. So here's a list of some things that I'm pretty paranoid about. Enjoy, and I hope I scare you into never leaving your house again. (I only say this because at the rate that my fears are growing, it won't be long before I live in a shack in the middle of a field with no furniture or appliances.) Anyways, here are some things you could read about in the paper in the weird death section (I know that doesn't exist, but it should) and some stuff that maybe you do every day, but is totally Danger Bay.

1. Filing cabinets. They are big, they are heavy and if you have more than one drawer open by accident, they could squish you real good. And of course, I sometimes have to sit in front of them, filing stuff into the bottom drawer. I guess this isn't neccesarily a weird death, just a super unfortunate one. Death by files. Worked to death? Drowning in paperwork.

2. Coughing. Basically every time I even start to cough a little bit, I assume it's the end for me. And usually that thought is accompanied with, "Oh man, I'm gonna die right here in this grocery store and everyone is looking and it's gonna be so totally embarrassing." No lie. Half of my fear of death involves dying embarrassingly or while a lot of people are around. (You're probably thinking that this is totally stupid and how would a tragic occurance be embarrassing. Well I assure you, I can find something that could be embarrassing in almost any situation.) So of course, my death will surely come in the lamest of ways and in the most public of places. Coughing myself to death in public.

3. Ceiling fans. I don't know how you can't be terrified of ceiling fans. One loose screw and peeeew, there goes your head. Two reasons that this is inconvinient for me: 1. It's hot as heck around here and we don't have A/C in my home and 2. I like the sound of it, for the most part. UNTIL it starts to sound a little wobbly. Now, this happens all the time. the fan just makes a bit of a silly noise and normal people don't even notice it. But I quickly say a few prayers and scold myself for not making that grilled cheese when I had the chance. Of course the sound is usually nothing and I get over it. But IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN NOTHING. So it's always good to be prepared and wear a suit of armour to bed.

4. Mixing drugs. I'm not talking about meth and cocaine, because I'm terrified of both of those things on their own. No, I'm talking about things as simple as Advil and taurine (that's the stuff in RedBull that doesn't give you wings but does get you a little shaky.) What if there's a weird chemical reaction inside of me and my insides simply implode? What if I ate something that had some kind of chemical in it and now my intestines are steadily melting away and I only have 6 hours to live? This may sound ridiculous but the thoughts cross my mind often. We don't understand half the crap that's going into our bodies, so I'm going to say this is a pretty logical fear. (Ummm, maybe.)

5. Anything slippery, ever. I do not skate. I never have, and I imagine I never will. You cannot make me get on skates and slide around on terrifying ice. (Don't even get me started on the possibility of slicing a major artery with the blade on those death shoes.) When it's rainy or a floor is wet, I take about 3 times longer to get anywhere. The only thing stopping me from crawling around on the floor is my fear of dying from embarrassment. 

These are just a few of the things that worry me on a day to day basis. Or at least they bother me whenever I'm confronted with them. It may seem overdramatic but I'm an anxious person, and the world is a dangerous place. Look for more of these soon because I develop new fears all the time!

Watch your step!


Also, check out Paranoid: Part Two and Part 3 for more ridiculous fears.

Taking "you look good enough to eat" to the Next Level

I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news (and if you haven't, stop reading right now and go live in a cave, because ignorance is most definitely bliss in this case) but honestly what is up with the increase of totally vulgar and disgusting crimes?! There are specifically four that come to mind here.

1. Guy chews off another guys face
2. Guy sends body parts to Canadian political parties
3. Guy disembowels himself and throws his insides at some cops
4. Guy kills his roommate and then eats his brain and heart

So obviously the best explanation for most of this is the zombie apocalypse. Duh.

Or maybe we should be blaming drugs. Or the psychological stresses of everyday life in America. Who knows if all of these things have anything in common. Are we breathing in a toxin that's turning us all into blood-thirsty lunatics?! Well, probably. Who knows how all the chemicals we've pumped into the air are mixing and effecting our bodies. Is our competitive nature really getting the best of us like this? (It's a human eat human world out there.) Are reality shows driving people completely mad!? Or is it all a big coincidence? (Secretly, this is my theory, although I like to pretend that I think people are just taking the saying, "you look good enough to eat" waaaay too seriously.)

I'm not going to address how disgusting and blah blah blah whatever this whole thing is. You can figure that out for yourself, I hope. If you don't see what's wrong here, then you're probably going to be featured on the news pretty soon as well. Hey, maybe it's the fame game that's making people crazy. ([eat] skin to win.)

Well, I've used enough bad jokes here, and I think you get the point. So goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the zombies bite.

Alene

This One's For the Health Nuts

This rant is brought to you by my cheese dust covered keyboard.

Okay, so I'm pretty sick of people telling me what I should and shouldn't eat. I know most people probably agree (unless you're those evil healthy freaks, in which case you've already scrolled down to the comment section to tell me I'm an idiot and my orange juice is going to kill me.) I'll eat what I want, okay?! I'm not fat, by any means (now, I'm not exactly Keira Knightly either. On that note, I could probably eat Keira Knightly in one sitting.) but I eat basically what I want. And what is it that I want to eat? The same thing everyone wants to eat, Pinky: pizza, popcorn, various cheeses, tacos and the occasional giant bowl of ice cream.

There's a few reasons why I genuinely don't give a flying fudgesicle about what all these health people have to say.

1. I'm not going to torture myself by eating broccoli all the time when I could be munching zesty cheese Doritos. This isn't to say that I don't like veggies, because they're pretty tasty. I've found very few foods that I do not enjoy. And I know that some people would call me stuffing my face with expensive chocolates and cheeses totally selfish because poor kids in Africa don't have food. Honestly people, I do my part when it comes to charity, so back off. There's no reason to eat something that I don't like, when that box of toaster strudel has opened up the freezer door to wave at me.

2. We're all going to die eventually, Dummy. No matter what you do, how you eat, how often you exercise, you're going to croak someday. And I DO NOT want my final thoughts to be, "Oh, crap, I wish I'd gotten a popcorn refill the last time I went to the movies. Extra butter."

3. Food is culture. I love to travel, and there's no way I'm going to not taste every local delicacy once or twice or until the whole plateful is gone. To understand a culture, you have to taste it (or that's what I tell myself after I'm laying in a food coma.)

Okay, so, let's sum this up. Ahem, food is good. Stop telling me I can't put ketchup on stuff (Dr. "Stupid" Oz.) Stop telling me orange juice is bad. I've been drinking it as part of a balanced breakfast my whole life and I like the commercials where the oranges do olympic events and junk. I don't always make the fattest choices. When it comes to pizza I prefer thin crust (although to be honest I would eat a pizza that had been dropped on the floor or sprayed with radiation.)

And I'm all cool with those of you who chose to live a certain way, and be all super healthy, just stop telling me about it. I honestly don't care, and the more you say about what I shouldn't eat, the hungrier I get.

Please note: I am NOT supporting the growing obesity is problem in North America. Clearly it is possible to eat what you want without looking like Majin Buu from Drangonball Z (It's a good reference, google it.)

Anyway, that's about all I have on that topic for now. (Just kidding. I'm positive you'll be seeing rants about vegetarian/vegans and people who won't feed their dogs dry dog food.) Don't forget to ask for double cheese.

Alene