I was listening to the radio today and a guy was talking about how gross it is to touch your phone and then eat with your bare hands. Think about all the places you've set your phone down, or how dirty your hands have been while you were holding your phone. Of course, I was listening to this just minutes after I'd held my phone in my teeth for a second while I was looking for my keys. I read something similar about purses and how they're actually the dirtiest things.
But this stuff doesn't really bother me. You can't always think about stuff like that because it just never ends. EVERYTHING IS DIRTY. Examples:
Let's think about eating at the food court in the mall. Maybe you washed your hands before eating, and there's that weird trust we all have in our food preparing associates that they did the same. But is the table you're eating at clean? Is the tray clean? Did those paper plates all fall on the ground but someone picked them up and decided to use them anyways? Did someone sample some food with that fork and then rinse it off and give it to you to use? Did a crazy person dip the plastic forks in the ebola virus while everyone else had their backs turned? The answer to all of these questions: Maybe. You can never be positive that everything is clean. For all you know, the factory that those utensils were made at is crawling with rats and they used the plastic fork boxes as a bathroom. You weren't there, you don't know.
The exact same situation can be applied to straws. Some people won't drink from cans because there might be mouse poop on the tops. How do you know there wasn't a straw accident where hundreds of straws were dropped all over the ground and then people just picked them up and put them in boxes anyways? Employees at Straws Inc. don't give a dingle whether your straws are clean or not, they just want to fix their problem as quickly as possible. And what if the dude who closes all the straw boxes had a runny nose or sneezed or something and got your straws all mucousy? You don't know.
What about in your own house? Is your table clean? I mean, I guess you can clean it and then you'll know it's clean... But is it REALLY clean? You can't see germs. How do you know they're not there? You probably missed only one germ, and it was the one that will kill you. Or something. I know it's not likely at all, but HOW DO YOU KNOW? Is that scary?
I think about my own house. My dog always sets his chin on the table because he thinks it makes him look cute so we'll give him food. But wait... Did he just go outside and munch on a rotting squirrel carcass? Did he just sniff a little too closely to a pile of coyote excrement? I DON'T KNOW. And even worse is that he sleeps in my bed.
The thing is, all you have to do is touch one unclean surface and then touch a clean surface with the same hand/elbow/wrist/forehead and boom, the clean surface is now unclean. Where am I going with this? Stop thinking about germs so much. It's pointless. But you should probably still wash your hands and shower. Use hand sanitizer and cough into your elbow crease, not onto your hands. There are obviously things we can do to prevent spreading more germs, but there is no way to prevent all germs, so why do we think about things like that so much and why do idiot radio hosts think it's a good idea to point out stupid things like this?
Showing posts with label Weird Stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weird Stuff. Show all posts
Monday, 24 June 2013
Thursday, 20 June 2013
Standing In Lines
I was thinking about this at the airport a few
weeks ago:
Think about how well-trained humans are. Like, we
don't have to stand in lines, but here we are, standing in lines. I could just
kick the lady in front of me and get my coffee first, but I don't because
that's rude, for some reason. It's no longer "fend for yourself,"
it's "first come, first serve." If our ancestors had lived with that
philosophy, we wouldn't even be here. "No, you were here first, you kill
the buffalo and take it back to your tribe. I'll wait for the next one." "Oh,
you people lived here first? Okay, I'll build my new civilization somewhere
else. Thanks for your time, sorry to disturb you. Thanks for teaching us how to
make popcorn." (That popcorn thing with Native Americans and Europeans is
a lie, it's believed that popcorn was invented in Peru. Fact that you can share
next time you're at the movie theatre and you want the cashier to hate you.)
I'm not saying I'm against taking turns. I actually enjoy it, especially in
situations where I'm first in line. I'm just saying it's so against our nature
in some ways, which is why we get so testy once we've been in a line for a
while, I assume.
It's just like lines on a road. (It's not really
JUST like it. It's actually a bit of a weird connection but just go with
it, okay?) A road line is just paint spilled strategically on asphalt. But we
listen to them. And more than that, we trust them, like they're protecting us.
Like the person on the other side of the road can't possibly just decide to
steer into oncoming traffic because da da da da da da! Solid line to the
rescue! NO! It's not like if you go to cross a road line you just smash into an
invisible trampoline and pop back to where you're supposed to be. If I want to
swerve all over the road, is a line going to stop me? NO! I mean, the police might,
but a line can't do anything. It's a line on the ground! I really don't think I
have to point that out. But for some reason, we listen to the line, and we
trust that other people are going to obey the line too.
Okay, I might have gotten off topic. Standing in
lines! I mean, it's so weird that we just automatically do it. Like, since
Kindergarten, we've been lining up for stuff. I think 38% of our lives are
spent in lines. Fact, maybe.
Let's think about cows. Cows take turns. Wait, do
they? Maybe that's just in cartoons. I don't really pay a lot of attention to
what cows do. Cats don't take turns. Cats are smart predators who follow their
own rules. Cows are dumb animals who are herded and treated like crap and then
chopped into food. Does standing in lines makes us dumb like cows? Or smart
because we've socialized ourselves and created a more efficient system? Or are
we all wasting time standing in lines? Could our lives be more efficient if we
ignored queues? Or would we live a lonely life because everyone would hate us
for skipping the lines? Have you ever thought about lines this much? Are you
even reading anymore?
What about lines on lines on lines? Like, you
stand in line to get into a concert, and then you stand in line for coat check,
and then you stand in line for beer, and then you stand in line at the merch
table, and then you stand in line for beer, and then you stand in line for the
bathroom, and then you stand in line for beer, and then disorganized chaos of
the pit happens, and then you stand in line for the bathroom, and then you
stand in line to get your coat, and then you all push crazily out the door and
run to your cars, and then you sit in line to get out of the parking lot. And
then the whole driving and staying in the line thing happens. We shouldn't call
it "going to a concert," we should call it, "going to the
queues." Because that's what most of it is.
Well, hopefully you're standing in a line at this exact moment, reading
this and contemplating your life and how many hours you've spent wasting it in
line-ups. Or maybe you're thinking that it has improved the human race and
proved that we are civilized. Or maybe you're eyeing the guy in front of you
and judging whether or not you can take him if he gets mad after you cut in
front of him. Or maybe something else. I don't know your life.
Friday, 24 May 2013
Professor McGonagall Watched Me Pee (More Bathroom Talk)
Here's a fun fact that you should know about me: I have a recurring dream (nightmare) about having to pee in a room with a lot of toilets but no stalls. I mean I have this dream probably once a month. And no, it never ends with me peeing my bed, because I never actually get to do any peeing because I'm too busy panicking about all the people who are about to see me void my bladder.
The dream comes in variations. It usually starts with me in a shopping mall or a grocery store or on a train with a giant pool full of inmates on it (that was a particularly strange one.) Then, I realize I have to pee and I find the bathroom, which is usually a maze (and I mean maze like that one windows screensaver that I spent many many minutes as a child just staring at and then I would accidentally bump against the mouse and have to wait five minutes before the screen saver came on again. That kind of maze.) with toilets scattered all over the place and ladies who I don't know happily peeing and chatting with their friends. Is this weird yet?
Occasionally the dream will consist of only one person potentially seeing me urinate instead of a whole bunch of people. For instance once Professor McGonagall just stared at me while it happened, and another time (even more disturbing) my Grade 6 teacher was there. I don't know if that has something to do with teachers making me feel uncomfortable? I don't really think they do. Freud might say it means I want to sleep with all my teachers or something. But let's not look into that too much.
The conclusion I've drawn is that this dream just represents the kind of feelings I have towards personal stuff like peeing (and other bathroom duties) or maybe even the kind of private person I am all together. Above hiding physical stuff from people, I also like to keep a lot of my emotional stuff on the DL. This may shock a lot of people who have read my tweets or some of my previous blog posts. Yes, I think my dream is just about keeping private stuff private, and not about wanting to copulate with my professors.
Anyways, I'm currently reading Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris. Excellent read, I suggest you all give it a try. In one of the chapters he describes a trip to Beijing. "My trip reminded me that we are all just animals, that stuff comes out of every hole we have, no matter where we live or how much money we've got. On some level we all know this and manage, quite pleasantly, to shove it towards the back of our minds." He goes on to say that in China they put it all out in the open. Because after all, it's natural. If I had the courage to tell you all the bathroom stories that have caused me immense amounts of stress in my life, I would. But alas, I am not nearly that brave. Because our society has taught us all to pretend that pee and poop don't happen. The hot people on TV's most popular dramas never stop what they're doing because they have intestinal distress. Dexter never tells his victim that he'll BRB because he has to take care of business. They don't show the part in Indiana Jones where he has to squat in the corner of a cave and relieve himself. Even poor Pumbaa sang that whole bit about being exiled because he had frequent gas.
Western society just doesn't have a place for bathroom business. Even bathrooms aren't safe for doing some bathroom related things. Ever sit in a stall for 20 minutes just waiting for all the other people to leave? (I'm painfully aware that some people do not have this problem.) And thus we are all doomed to walk around with cramps and bubbly pressure for our entire lives (or until we're old and can't hold it in any more.)
Afterthought: I'm aware that pee and poop have become the subject of not one, not two, but three of my posts. It's easy to talk about it when no one is looking you straight in the face and you can just pretend that someone hacked your account and you didn't write a word of it.
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Peeing in the Shower
Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I know virtually nothing about cleanliness. I have a fork sitting on my desk from two days ago that I'm too lazy to wash or bring to the sink.
Let's start this one out with a simple statement: Humans are disgusting. That being said, there are certain degrees to our disgustingness. And I have a feeling that different circumstances call for different amounts of cleanliness. And also, people have different opinions about what is "clean" and what is "dirty." Additionally, I don't really know where this paragraph is headed, so let's start again.
Humans are gross. Regardless of how many times you shower today, dude, you're probably mostly just moving various germs and dirt particles around to different areas of your body with your sketchy loofah that your roommate probably secretly uses sometimes because he's too cheap to buy his own. (Note: If my roommate is reading this, I DO NOT use your loofah. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to rub your skin particles all over me if I can avoid it.)
You can wash your hands as many times as you like but there's no escaping germs. Think about this: How often do you rub your hands on your pants? If you're cursed with extremely sweaty hands like I am, you probably do it all the time. And how many germy surfaces do you touch before you rub your hands on your pants? If you're like me and you love touching germy surfaces, then the number is probably pretty high. So, think about how many germs your pants have accumulated. I only bring this up because when people tell you to open doors with your sleeves and to not touch homeless people, they totally overlook the fact that your pants are probably just as disgusting, if not more disgusting, than both of those things.
I really hope that last paragraph benefitted your life in some way. It's just an epiphany I had and I thought I should share it. But please, don't take it as a go-ahead from me for you to go pantless in public.
The fact is, most people don't even know how to properly wash their hands. I'll admit that I probably do a terrible job of it, even though I've watched countless scenes of Grey's Anatomy where the characters have super intense conversations about life while "scrubbing" their hands before surgery.
"But the title of this post is peeing in the shower and you have not addressed shower urination at all, Alene!" Hold your horses, loves, I'm getting there. I'm about to make a somewhat taboo statement.
Of all the dirty things in this world that humans do, I feel as if peeing in the shower is the least gross. Let me rephrase this: I actually think it's cleaner than most things humans do. Hear me out.
Pee is sterile. Also, you pee in the shower, you wash your hair, the shampoo runs down your body and into the drain and everything is all soaped up and "clean" again.
I think we would all be shocked and disgusted if we could somehow find out how often we come in contact with pee during our lives. Those pants you bought at Value Village? Some drunk chick peed herself on the street in those. Lying in that field with the love of your life, looking at the stars? A badger chose that place to relieve itself yesterday. And guess what? You did not die because of this pee. (Again, I am not a medical professional and if it is possible that death can occur from laying in badger pee, please correct me.)
But the fact is, pee is not a big deal. There are plenty of far worse things to worry about. And besides, some people even like it. (Whoa, we won't go there today. Hopefully we'll never have to go there ever. I'm not that pro-pee, thank you.)
And who was it who decided that humans HAVE to pee in the toilet? The toilet is literally one of the most ridiculous human inventions ever. "Oh, let's take our fresh water, sh*t in it, and then flush it away." But dogs have to go to the bathroom outside because they're not important and we don't mind looking at their poop so much. Why is human excrement so much scarier to see than other animal's? So many poop-related questions. I think those are for another day, though.
Now please, I did not say that I personally pee in the shower, I just said that I don't have a problem with it. And also, sometimes you just really have to go. I hope I don't lose any friends because of this. There are plenty of way dirtier things to worry about, like the guy who just picked his nose, then examined all the apples at Metro or the weird waiter who licks all the cutlery before putting it on the table. With that in mind, have a nice night, and order only finger foods at the pub later.
Let's start this one out with a simple statement: Humans are disgusting. That being said, there are certain degrees to our disgustingness. And I have a feeling that different circumstances call for different amounts of cleanliness. And also, people have different opinions about what is "clean" and what is "dirty." Additionally, I don't really know where this paragraph is headed, so let's start again.
Humans are gross. Regardless of how many times you shower today, dude, you're probably mostly just moving various germs and dirt particles around to different areas of your body with your sketchy loofah that your roommate probably secretly uses sometimes because he's too cheap to buy his own. (Note: If my roommate is reading this, I DO NOT use your loofah. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to rub your skin particles all over me if I can avoid it.)
You can wash your hands as many times as you like but there's no escaping germs. Think about this: How often do you rub your hands on your pants? If you're cursed with extremely sweaty hands like I am, you probably do it all the time. And how many germy surfaces do you touch before you rub your hands on your pants? If you're like me and you love touching germy surfaces, then the number is probably pretty high. So, think about how many germs your pants have accumulated. I only bring this up because when people tell you to open doors with your sleeves and to not touch homeless people, they totally overlook the fact that your pants are probably just as disgusting, if not more disgusting, than both of those things.
I really hope that last paragraph benefitted your life in some way. It's just an epiphany I had and I thought I should share it. But please, don't take it as a go-ahead from me for you to go pantless in public.
The fact is, most people don't even know how to properly wash their hands. I'll admit that I probably do a terrible job of it, even though I've watched countless scenes of Grey's Anatomy where the characters have super intense conversations about life while "scrubbing" their hands before surgery.
"But the title of this post is peeing in the shower and you have not addressed shower urination at all, Alene!" Hold your horses, loves, I'm getting there. I'm about to make a somewhat taboo statement.
Of all the dirty things in this world that humans do, I feel as if peeing in the shower is the least gross. Let me rephrase this: I actually think it's cleaner than most things humans do. Hear me out.
Pee is sterile. Also, you pee in the shower, you wash your hair, the shampoo runs down your body and into the drain and everything is all soaped up and "clean" again.
I think we would all be shocked and disgusted if we could somehow find out how often we come in contact with pee during our lives. Those pants you bought at Value Village? Some drunk chick peed herself on the street in those. Lying in that field with the love of your life, looking at the stars? A badger chose that place to relieve itself yesterday. And guess what? You did not die because of this pee. (Again, I am not a medical professional and if it is possible that death can occur from laying in badger pee, please correct me.)
But the fact is, pee is not a big deal. There are plenty of far worse things to worry about. And besides, some people even like it. (Whoa, we won't go there today. Hopefully we'll never have to go there ever. I'm not that pro-pee, thank you.)
And who was it who decided that humans HAVE to pee in the toilet? The toilet is literally one of the most ridiculous human inventions ever. "Oh, let's take our fresh water, sh*t in it, and then flush it away." But dogs have to go to the bathroom outside because they're not important and we don't mind looking at their poop so much. Why is human excrement so much scarier to see than other animal's? So many poop-related questions. I think those are for another day, though.
Now please, I did not say that I personally pee in the shower, I just said that I don't have a problem with it. And also, sometimes you just really have to go. I hope I don't lose any friends because of this. There are plenty of way dirtier things to worry about, like the guy who just picked his nose, then examined all the apples at Metro or the weird waiter who licks all the cutlery before putting it on the table. With that in mind, have a nice night, and order only finger foods at the pub later.
Friday, 25 January 2013
Kissing Is Weird
I assume you read the title of this post, so, I don't think I really need much more of an intro than that. Kissing is WEIRD. It is. Press your face up against someone else's for a little bit. Touch your mouths together. Your mouths, where bacteria and all kinds of yucky stuff lives. And then tongues get involved and SERIOUSLY?! That's disgusting.
Why is it that sharing a tooth brush is considered absolutely horrid, but we can rub our saliva all over each other's mouths and that's super romantic or hot or attractive or whatever it is?
And you wouldn't walk up to someone you don't know at a bar and take a sip from their drink (I say this, but a guy definitely walked up to me at a bar once and drank half my beverage but I think he may be an exception to the rule because I was in Montreal and everything is backwards there.) I do, however, know plenty of people who would walk up to a person and start kissing them.
Now, I'm not really a big germaphobe. I don't believe in the ten-second rule, I believe in the however-long-it-takes-me-to-see-it-and-pick-it up-off-the-ground rule (with exceptions to certain questionable locations such as bathrooms and airplane tray tables.) But retrieving your food off the ground is a matter of survival and environmental friendliness! Touching your tongue against another person's is not.
It's like when suddenly you're in a relationship with someone (this counts friendships, because friends do this to) it's okay to take a sip from their drink because clearly if you know this person they must not be carrying any diseases or dangerous bacterias. And everyone who you don't know very well must have a mouth crawling with the plague, obviously. For instance, one time at Costco my mother took a drink of what she thought was my beverage, but it was actually just a cup that had been left on the table from the previous inhabitant (BTW this is a pet peeve of mine. Throw out your damn cup, you lazy jerks.) Anyway, so Mom takes a sip, before I could inform her that this was not my cup. She of course proceeded to spit the contents out, which I think is a natural reaction. But think about it: Why is that cup any less sanitary than drinking out of my cup? I don't think there is any such thing as a clean human mouth, so what's the difference? (In case you were wondering how the Costco story ends, I was scolded for not throwing out Mr. Lazy's cup before I sat down because I was supposed to foresee that my mother was not going to buy herself a drink and was just going to steal mine. Sorry, Mom. My intentions here are not to sound like a brat, I just feel as if you should have purchased your own beverage. I'm a thirsty girl.)
This is a PG blog, so I'm not even going to get into how weird other things humans do together are (again, if you really think about them. And more so if you take a quick surf through urbandictionary.com. It's a real eye-opener.) No, actually, let's talk about it. Why (why why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!) is it acceptable to put our mouths ALL up in other people's unmentionable areas? It's not even like this is an animalistic thing, really, because I think only monkeys and dolphins do it too, and they're like super smart. But probably I'm being extremely ignorant to all kinds of knowledge and studies that say differently. Whatever. Anyhoo, we all know what comes out of those areas, correct? But I'm doubting I could find a lot of people who would lick the inside of a toilet bowl. See what I'm saying here? Yet, this is an acceptable (to some extent) practice.
Unsanitary-ness aside, kissing is also weird in the way that dancing is weird. Waving your limbs around and wiggling. Have you ever stood above a dancefloor and just watched everyone? It's actually hilarious, regardless of how "good" a dancer you are. (I know we're getting off topic, but I actually think that the most ridiculous-looking dancers are the "professionals." I'm possibly way over-thinking or over-analyzing the act of dancing. But over-thinking is what I do. That's why this post exists.) Anyway, kissing, shoving your mouth against another person's. Or against their forehead or cheek or whatever. For birds, this exact action is called pecking and it's an act of aggression (I assume, because I know essentially nothing about birds.) And this is arguably the most sincere way we have of telling people we're attracted to them or we like them or whatever. Or at least that's what movies teach us.
I don't want to get into the psych behind kissing or the biological reasons that we enjoy it, I'm just saying that it's weird when you look at the big picture.
In case you want to check out someone else's view on the weirdness of kissing, I found this fun article as well, on a website that I personally enjoy very much. I found this AFTER I wrote most of my post so there is no plagiarism involved, you scholarly jerks. Study: Kissing is Really Weird from hahajk.com.
Why is it that sharing a tooth brush is considered absolutely horrid, but we can rub our saliva all over each other's mouths and that's super romantic or hot or attractive or whatever it is?
And you wouldn't walk up to someone you don't know at a bar and take a sip from their drink (I say this, but a guy definitely walked up to me at a bar once and drank half my beverage but I think he may be an exception to the rule because I was in Montreal and everything is backwards there.) I do, however, know plenty of people who would walk up to a person and start kissing them.
Now, I'm not really a big germaphobe. I don't believe in the ten-second rule, I believe in the however-long-it-takes-me-to-see-it-and-pick-it up-off-the-ground rule (with exceptions to certain questionable locations such as bathrooms and airplane tray tables.) But retrieving your food off the ground is a matter of survival and environmental friendliness! Touching your tongue against another person's is not.
It's like when suddenly you're in a relationship with someone (this counts friendships, because friends do this to) it's okay to take a sip from their drink because clearly if you know this person they must not be carrying any diseases or dangerous bacterias. And everyone who you don't know very well must have a mouth crawling with the plague, obviously. For instance, one time at Costco my mother took a drink of what she thought was my beverage, but it was actually just a cup that had been left on the table from the previous inhabitant (BTW this is a pet peeve of mine. Throw out your damn cup, you lazy jerks.) Anyway, so Mom takes a sip, before I could inform her that this was not my cup. She of course proceeded to spit the contents out, which I think is a natural reaction. But think about it: Why is that cup any less sanitary than drinking out of my cup? I don't think there is any such thing as a clean human mouth, so what's the difference? (In case you were wondering how the Costco story ends, I was scolded for not throwing out Mr. Lazy's cup before I sat down because I was supposed to foresee that my mother was not going to buy herself a drink and was just going to steal mine. Sorry, Mom. My intentions here are not to sound like a brat, I just feel as if you should have purchased your own beverage. I'm a thirsty girl.)
This is a PG blog, so I'm not even going to get into how weird other things humans do together are (again, if you really think about them. And more so if you take a quick surf through urbandictionary.com. It's a real eye-opener.) No, actually, let's talk about it. Why (why why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!) is it acceptable to put our mouths ALL up in other people's unmentionable areas? It's not even like this is an animalistic thing, really, because I think only monkeys and dolphins do it too, and they're like super smart. But probably I'm being extremely ignorant to all kinds of knowledge and studies that say differently. Whatever. Anyhoo, we all know what comes out of those areas, correct? But I'm doubting I could find a lot of people who would lick the inside of a toilet bowl. See what I'm saying here? Yet, this is an acceptable (to some extent) practice.
So, we can put our mouths all over each other, but when a dog comes along and tries to lick the remnants of your breakfast burrito from the corner of your mouth, that's disgusting and you have to go rinse your mouth out and spit for like ten minutes and cut your lips off. Okay, to be fair, that dog was just licking its butt and eating a dead squirrel but for all you know the guy you kissed at da club last night also enjoys the occasional road-kill snack. I'm not saying making out with your dog is something that should start happening, but I'm just saying I think it's funny what we deem as gross and what we deem as a fun past-time with another person.
I don't want to get into the psych behind kissing or the biological reasons that we enjoy it, I'm just saying that it's weird when you look at the big picture.
In case you want to check out someone else's view on the weirdness of kissing, I found this fun article as well, on a website that I personally enjoy very much. I found this AFTER I wrote most of my post so there is no plagiarism involved, you scholarly jerks. Study: Kissing is Really Weird from hahajk.com.
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Stuff You're Going To Need After The Apocalypse
People are always so concerned about surviving the apocalypse. But anyone who knows anything about the end of the world knows that survival mostly involves luck and being in the right place at the right time. People always forget that once they survive the horrors of whatever apocalypse claims Earth first, they're going to be stuck in a chaotic, unorganized and unpredictable society. So, here's a list of stuff you should be hoarding (in a safe place where it won't be destroyed!) in order to survive AFTER the apocalypse. Some of it is obvious, but it's often the obvious things that you overlook.
Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.
Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.
Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.
Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.
Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.
Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.
Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.
Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.
Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?
Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.
Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.
Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.
Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.
Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?
Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)
Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.
For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.
Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)
Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.
Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.
Miscellaneous
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.
Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.
Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.
Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.
Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.
Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.
Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.
Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.
Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.
Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours
A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.
Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.
And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.
Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.
Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)
Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.
Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.
Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.
Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.
Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.
Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.
Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.
Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.
Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?
Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.
Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.
Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.
Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.
Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?
Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)
Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.
For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.
Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)
Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.
Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.
Miscellaneous
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.
Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.
Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.
Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.
Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.
Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.
Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.
Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.
Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.
Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours
A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.
Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.
And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.
Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.
Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me The Final Part
I know I said the last one was the last one but let's face it, I find new things to be scared of every day. So, similarly to the Final Destination films which have fuelled so many of my irrational fears, Paranoid is back, even after I promised it was finished.
16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.
17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.
18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.
19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.
20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.
Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.
16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.
17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.
18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.
19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.
20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.
Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.
Saturday, 20 October 2012
If _____ Took Over The World
Instead of studying, I decided to compose this list. I hope you love it.
If parrots took over the world, we would all be forced to work in cracker factories for no pay.
If Sigmund Freud took over the world, all fathers would be wiped out.
If nudists took over the world, the obesity problem would probably solve itself pretty quick.
If nudists took over the world, the obesity problem would probably solve itself pretty quick.
If cartoon characters took over the world, we would all die in hilarious, ACME-related accidents.
If Mr. Peanut took over the world, the Underground Reese's Railroad would (hopefully) become a thing.
If seals look over the world, humans would all be clubbed to death.
If cat ladies took over the world, everyone who isn't a cat will die from lack of food, water and shelter.
If Ron Swanson took over the world, there would be silence.
If Justin Bieber took over the world, all men would be slaughtered and every woman would be forced to carry a Bieber Baby.
If Vegans took over the world, we would eventually run out of vegetation and crops and die.
If cellphones took over the world, we would never leave a call waiting.
If cows took over the world, humans were probably all dead already because seriously, how did COWS take over the world?
If Mark Zuckerberg took over the world, we would all be on the internet... all... the... time... Wait a minute...
Can you think of any? I'd love to hear them.
If Justin Bieber took over the world, all men would be slaughtered and every woman would be forced to carry a Bieber Baby.
If Vegans took over the world, we would eventually run out of vegetation and crops and die.
If cellphones took over the world, we would never leave a call waiting.
If cows took over the world, humans were probably all dead already because seriously, how did COWS take over the world?
If Mark Zuckerberg took over the world, we would all be on the internet... all... the... time... Wait a minute...
Can you think of any? I'd love to hear them.
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Totally Normal Things That Are Actually Pretty Weird If You Think About It
You know how sometimes you'll way over think the most simple things and all of a sudden they seem totally weird? Here's some things that are so normal, but if you really think about it, they're weird.
- Money. Why does this piece of paper control everything in the world? Like honestly, think about it, it's just a piece of paper that you could crumple up or burn or eat. What if I decided I don't believe in paper money anymore and I refuse to acknowledge it? I would probably just get laughed at but seriously, think about it. A piece of paper rules your life.
- Letting animals live in your house. This is actually totally weird. Dogs are fully capable of ripping us apart in the night, but we trust them not to and (usually) they don't. And rodents? We spend tons of time trying to keep mice and moles and rats out of our homes but then we go buy one and put it in a cage? Crazy. Cats are grumpy and they pee on our stuff but we keep them there (usually) because we've bonded with this creature that can't even talk to us. But they love us (usually) and we feel good because there's someone that needs us and someone who we can cuddle with at the end of the day.
- Dancing. Have you ever stood above a crowd of people dancing and actually watched them carefully? We look ridiculous. Waving our arms around, jiggling stuff that wasn't meant to be jiggled, making unattractive facial expressions. It's silly, really. But it lets out steam, it gives us a chance to forget about our problems and it (sometimes) lures in a potential mate. So we dance.
- High heel shoes. Why do we torture ourselves with uncomfortable footwear? What's the point? I know, it makes lady's legs look like they go up to here. And I know, men used to wear them, yes, I am familiar with portraits of British kings wearing high heels. But I just don't understand WHY. In all seriousness, we look plain silly. If someone was walking around on stilts we would think they were ridiculous, but yet it's totally acceptable to prance around in high heels, which are obviously just an illusion, making us taller. (Back up for a sec, maybe prance wasn't the correct word to use there. When I'm n high heels, it's more like "wobble around in high heels.")
- Tanning. And I don't mean in a tanning bed (Tanning beds aren't weird, they're pretty much just stupid.) I mean laying outside for hours in the crazy heat, sweating all over your Jodi Picoult book and slapping away the flies and bees. What's the point? So that we can create the illusion that we actually go outside and do stuff? Because laying on a towel by the pool isn't really considered going outside and "doing stuff." I imagine no one wants to be pasty white, and this is understandable, but why can't you just be yourself? (I suppose I can say this because I am not naturally the colour of paper like some people are, so I apologise if you have a different opinion.) Maybe it's because we have so much spare time, maybe it's so we don't look like we've been shut in our homes on the internet for weeks, or maybe it's so we look more ethnic and interesting. Whatever the reason, tanning is strange, there's no doubt about it.
- Decorating. You do it and I do it and we all do it, but when you think about it, it's dumb. Yeah, it's nice to have pretty things to look at when you're in your home. And when people show up at your house, you want to be able to show off all the nice things you have. But when you really think about the whole practise, it's wasteful. It wastes time, it wastes money, it wastes resources, it wastes space. And then whenever a new season or holiday comes along you buy more stuff to decorate with because you don't want to forget that it's Halloween, so you better put that goofy skeleton up on the wall.
- Scary movies. Humans are now so boring and safe that we have to scare ourselves with movies and games just so we can get that little adrenaline rush and feel a little unsafe. What? This is ridiculous. I feel like if creatures came from another planet and watched us do this to ourselves they would think we were insane. And maybe we are a little bit. I read somewhere once that one of the reasons we watch horror movies is to try to live the way that a psychopath or killer would live, or at least understand it. So don't tell me that humans aren't all a little bit crazy.
- Amusement parks. This is basically a similar concept to scary movies. Humans no longer have to escape large animals or go on amazing adventures or explore the planet at all anymore so where do we get our thrills? We jump onto holy-jeepers-that-was-expensive roller coasters and does anyone REALLY even like it? Like really? The point of a roller coaster is to make you uncomfortable and afraid, isn't it? So we basically put ourselves onto a giant metal machine that whips us around at crazy speeds and if ONE thing goes wrong then we'll more than likely be dead. Yes, that sounds like a very sane way to pass the time.
- Hair removal. Okay, I don't want to be super hairy or anything, but really, this stuff is natural, why are we so determined to get rid of it? It's there for a reason (or at least, it used to be.) But these days, beauty can be measured by how little hair you have on your body, right? And it's a lot of work. You get it all under control and then the next thing you know your legs are prickly and you're on your way to being Chewbacca again.
- Money. Why does this piece of paper control everything in the world? Like honestly, think about it, it's just a piece of paper that you could crumple up or burn or eat. What if I decided I don't believe in paper money anymore and I refuse to acknowledge it? I would probably just get laughed at but seriously, think about it. A piece of paper rules your life.
- Letting animals live in your house. This is actually totally weird. Dogs are fully capable of ripping us apart in the night, but we trust them not to and (usually) they don't. And rodents? We spend tons of time trying to keep mice and moles and rats out of our homes but then we go buy one and put it in a cage? Crazy. Cats are grumpy and they pee on our stuff but we keep them there (usually) because we've bonded with this creature that can't even talk to us. But they love us (usually) and we feel good because there's someone that needs us and someone who we can cuddle with at the end of the day.
- Dancing. Have you ever stood above a crowd of people dancing and actually watched them carefully? We look ridiculous. Waving our arms around, jiggling stuff that wasn't meant to be jiggled, making unattractive facial expressions. It's silly, really. But it lets out steam, it gives us a chance to forget about our problems and it (sometimes) lures in a potential mate. So we dance.
- High heel shoes. Why do we torture ourselves with uncomfortable footwear? What's the point? I know, it makes lady's legs look like they go up to here. And I know, men used to wear them, yes, I am familiar with portraits of British kings wearing high heels. But I just don't understand WHY. In all seriousness, we look plain silly. If someone was walking around on stilts we would think they were ridiculous, but yet it's totally acceptable to prance around in high heels, which are obviously just an illusion, making us taller. (Back up for a sec, maybe prance wasn't the correct word to use there. When I'm n high heels, it's more like "wobble around in high heels.")
- Tanning. And I don't mean in a tanning bed (Tanning beds aren't weird, they're pretty much just stupid.) I mean laying outside for hours in the crazy heat, sweating all over your Jodi Picoult book and slapping away the flies and bees. What's the point? So that we can create the illusion that we actually go outside and do stuff? Because laying on a towel by the pool isn't really considered going outside and "doing stuff." I imagine no one wants to be pasty white, and this is understandable, but why can't you just be yourself? (I suppose I can say this because I am not naturally the colour of paper like some people are, so I apologise if you have a different opinion.) Maybe it's because we have so much spare time, maybe it's so we don't look like we've been shut in our homes on the internet for weeks, or maybe it's so we look more ethnic and interesting. Whatever the reason, tanning is strange, there's no doubt about it.
- Decorating. You do it and I do it and we all do it, but when you think about it, it's dumb. Yeah, it's nice to have pretty things to look at when you're in your home. And when people show up at your house, you want to be able to show off all the nice things you have. But when you really think about the whole practise, it's wasteful. It wastes time, it wastes money, it wastes resources, it wastes space. And then whenever a new season or holiday comes along you buy more stuff to decorate with because you don't want to forget that it's Halloween, so you better put that goofy skeleton up on the wall.
- Scary movies. Humans are now so boring and safe that we have to scare ourselves with movies and games just so we can get that little adrenaline rush and feel a little unsafe. What? This is ridiculous. I feel like if creatures came from another planet and watched us do this to ourselves they would think we were insane. And maybe we are a little bit. I read somewhere once that one of the reasons we watch horror movies is to try to live the way that a psychopath or killer would live, or at least understand it. So don't tell me that humans aren't all a little bit crazy.
- Amusement parks. This is basically a similar concept to scary movies. Humans no longer have to escape large animals or go on amazing adventures or explore the planet at all anymore so where do we get our thrills? We jump onto holy-jeepers-that-was-expensive roller coasters and does anyone REALLY even like it? Like really? The point of a roller coaster is to make you uncomfortable and afraid, isn't it? So we basically put ourselves onto a giant metal machine that whips us around at crazy speeds and if ONE thing goes wrong then we'll more than likely be dead. Yes, that sounds like a very sane way to pass the time.
- Hair removal. Okay, I don't want to be super hairy or anything, but really, this stuff is natural, why are we so determined to get rid of it? It's there for a reason (or at least, it used to be.) But these days, beauty can be measured by how little hair you have on your body, right? And it's a lot of work. You get it all under control and then the next thing you know your legs are prickly and you're on your way to being Chewbacca again.
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 3
Yes, there are more.
11. Living upstairs. "What?" you say. You don't know how reliably that floor has been built. It could give away at any time and then you're falling to your death, impaling yourself on your downstairs neighbour's large, pointy, unnecessary statue that takes up half their living room. Or you just hit your head and die, whatever.
12. Eating fruit. No, I'm not just making things up at this point. A lot of the time while I'm sitting there, munching an apple, all I can think about is "what if there's some kind of bug in here and I eat it and it claws at my insides and infects them and I die?" The possibility of choking is, of course, there as well but I'm hardly concerned about that.
13. Standing on anything that is not solid ground. Okay, I'll get on that chair and make one wrong move and then tip over and grab onto the curtains but then the curtains rip and I fall and smash my head off the window sill and then again off the floor and then death happens. Skateboards? Jesus Murphy, no. The most dramatic imagery I ever imagined in my life was when parents would say, "don't do that, you'll crack your head open," and all I could see was my head like an egg against the edge of a bowl. ALL parents said something like this, so you're ALL to blame for my intense fear of falling.
14. Gas pumps. This one sucks, because I work at a gas station. But really, one mis-flicked cigarette ash lands in the wrong spot on the ground and BOOM! we're all dead. Or, the people who leave their car on while you're pumping because, "it won't start again if I turn it off." Yeah? Well it won't start again if it's in two billion little pieces after the whole place blows up either. I like being whole. I got super upset after losing the most minuscule piece off the end of my finger (you can see it if you squint, I swear.) "Oh, but those signs that say no smoking and turn off your car, what about those?" you just said accusingly towards your computer screen. No one listens to signs in the real world, dummy.
15. Those big trucks that are carrying like 20 cars. What if one just came loose and crushed you while you're driving behind that thing? I don't know what is possibly more terrifying than a car flying from 15 feet in the air directly at your face. Maybe like an airplane falling out of the sky but whatever. Just put those cars on a train and save me the anxiety, okay?!
I think this is the end of the Paranoid saga. If you haven't read parts 1 and 2, you can do so here.
Also, I'd like to hear what you're afraid of. Leave a comment. I looove comments.
11. Living upstairs. "What?" you say. You don't know how reliably that floor has been built. It could give away at any time and then you're falling to your death, impaling yourself on your downstairs neighbour's large, pointy, unnecessary statue that takes up half their living room. Or you just hit your head and die, whatever.
12. Eating fruit. No, I'm not just making things up at this point. A lot of the time while I'm sitting there, munching an apple, all I can think about is "what if there's some kind of bug in here and I eat it and it claws at my insides and infects them and I die?" The possibility of choking is, of course, there as well but I'm hardly concerned about that.
13. Standing on anything that is not solid ground. Okay, I'll get on that chair and make one wrong move and then tip over and grab onto the curtains but then the curtains rip and I fall and smash my head off the window sill and then again off the floor and then death happens. Skateboards? Jesus Murphy, no. The most dramatic imagery I ever imagined in my life was when parents would say, "don't do that, you'll crack your head open," and all I could see was my head like an egg against the edge of a bowl. ALL parents said something like this, so you're ALL to blame for my intense fear of falling.
14. Gas pumps. This one sucks, because I work at a gas station. But really, one mis-flicked cigarette ash lands in the wrong spot on the ground and BOOM! we're all dead. Or, the people who leave their car on while you're pumping because, "it won't start again if I turn it off." Yeah? Well it won't start again if it's in two billion little pieces after the whole place blows up either. I like being whole. I got super upset after losing the most minuscule piece off the end of my finger (you can see it if you squint, I swear.) "Oh, but those signs that say no smoking and turn off your car, what about those?" you just said accusingly towards your computer screen. No one listens to signs in the real world, dummy.
15. Those big trucks that are carrying like 20 cars. What if one just came loose and crushed you while you're driving behind that thing? I don't know what is possibly more terrifying than a car flying from 15 feet in the air directly at your face. Maybe like an airplane falling out of the sky but whatever. Just put those cars on a train and save me the anxiety, okay?!
I think this is the end of the Paranoid saga. If you haven't read parts 1 and 2, you can do so here.
Also, I'd like to hear what you're afraid of. Leave a comment. I looove comments.
Saturday, 15 September 2012
Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 2
5 more things that I'm always pretty concerned will end my life. It's a scary world out there!
6. Intersections/parking lots. Yes, we walk/drive through these all the time. But really, think about how much trust is actually required when you do. You have to trust that a complete stranger doesn't suddenly feel a lust for blood and run you over. That's actually a huge amount. Not to mention all the possible people falling asleep at the wheel/toddlers accidentally putting the car in drive.
7. Escalators. You accidentally trip at the last second and your head gets gobbled up. You don't step off soon enough and you're bleeding out because it ripped our leg off. Someone standing behind you suddenly decides to murder you. You fall down the up escalator and you just keep falling and falling and falling because it's always going up, you can never reach the bottom. Point made, I believe.
8. Power outlets. I pretty much have a mini panic attack every time I plug something in or unplug something. Why? Easy. So many things could go wrong. The cord could be a little cracked or broken. A whole bunch of other technical electriciany stuff could go on... You get the point. Electricity is scary and even though we use it every day, that does not mean it is your friend.
9. Wearing loose shirts to bed. This one sounds dumb, but people have been strangled by weirder things.
10. Elevators. Self-explanatory. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that you could drop to your death at any time from great heights (but you totally could.) My biggest fear here is getting stuck and slowly wasting away in a tiny box that feels like it's continually getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And you could be stuck in there with all sorts of crazies, just to make it worse.
If you haven't read Part 1 of Paranoid click here --> here.
For Part 3 click here --> here.
If you have any comments or concerns or you heard a funny joke today, feel free to leave them in the comment box below.
Also, don't be scared to share. I can almost assure you that you won't end up dead from pressing a button on the internet. Almost...
6. Intersections/parking lots. Yes, we walk/drive through these all the time. But really, think about how much trust is actually required when you do. You have to trust that a complete stranger doesn't suddenly feel a lust for blood and run you over. That's actually a huge amount. Not to mention all the possible people falling asleep at the wheel/toddlers accidentally putting the car in drive.
7. Escalators. You accidentally trip at the last second and your head gets gobbled up. You don't step off soon enough and you're bleeding out because it ripped our leg off. Someone standing behind you suddenly decides to murder you. You fall down the up escalator and you just keep falling and falling and falling because it's always going up, you can never reach the bottom. Point made, I believe.
8. Power outlets. I pretty much have a mini panic attack every time I plug something in or unplug something. Why? Easy. So many things could go wrong. The cord could be a little cracked or broken. A whole bunch of other technical electriciany stuff could go on... You get the point. Electricity is scary and even though we use it every day, that does not mean it is your friend.
9. Wearing loose shirts to bed. This one sounds dumb, but people have been strangled by weirder things.
10. Elevators. Self-explanatory. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that you could drop to your death at any time from great heights (but you totally could.) My biggest fear here is getting stuck and slowly wasting away in a tiny box that feels like it's continually getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And you could be stuck in there with all sorts of crazies, just to make it worse.
If you haven't read Part 1 of Paranoid click here --> here.
For Part 3 click here --> here.
If you have any comments or concerns or you heard a funny joke today, feel free to leave them in the comment box below.
Also, don't be scared to share. I can almost assure you that you won't end up dead from pressing a button on the internet. Almost...
Friday, 7 September 2012
Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 1
I am afraid of the weirdest things. Honestly, I'm aware that some of these are totally irrational fears, but at the same time, there's always the possibility of freak accidents. Don't ever think that you're the exception! One day an anvil might be dropped from a building and you may be standing beneath it. You can't prove that it won't happen. So here's a list of some things that I'm pretty paranoid about. Enjoy, and I hope I scare you into never leaving your house again. (I only say this because at the rate that my fears are growing, it won't be long before I live in a shack in the middle of a field with no furniture or appliances.) Anyways, here are some things you could read about in the paper in the weird death section (I know that doesn't exist, but it should) and some stuff that maybe you do every day, but is totally Danger Bay.
1. Filing cabinets. They are big, they are heavy and if you have more than one drawer open by accident, they could squish you real good. And of course, I sometimes have to sit in front of them, filing stuff into the bottom drawer. I guess this isn't neccesarily a weird death, just a super unfortunate one. Death by files. Worked to death? Drowning in paperwork.
2. Coughing. Basically every time I even start to cough a little bit, I assume it's the end for me. And usually that thought is accompanied with, "Oh man, I'm gonna die right here in this grocery store and everyone is looking and it's gonna be so totally embarrassing." No lie. Half of my fear of death involves dying embarrassingly or while a lot of people are around. (You're probably thinking that this is totally stupid and how would a tragic occurance be embarrassing. Well I assure you, I can find something that could be embarrassing in almost any situation.) So of course, my death will surely come in the lamest of ways and in the most public of places. Coughing myself to death in public.
3. Ceiling fans. I don't know how you can't be terrified of ceiling fans. One loose screw and peeeew, there goes your head. Two reasons that this is inconvinient for me: 1. It's hot as heck around here and we don't have A/C in my home and 2. I like the sound of it, for the most part. UNTIL it starts to sound a little wobbly. Now, this happens all the time. the fan just makes a bit of a silly noise and normal people don't even notice it. But I quickly say a few prayers and scold myself for not making that grilled cheese when I had the chance. Of course the sound is usually nothing and I get over it. But IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN NOTHING. So it's always good to be prepared and wear a suit of armour to bed.
4. Mixing drugs. I'm not talking about meth and cocaine, because I'm terrified of both of those things on their own. No, I'm talking about things as simple as Advil and taurine (that's the stuff in RedBull that doesn't give you wings but does get you a little shaky.) What if there's a weird chemical reaction inside of me and my insides simply implode? What if I ate something that had some kind of chemical in it and now my intestines are steadily melting away and I only have 6 hours to live? This may sound ridiculous but the thoughts cross my mind often. We don't understand half the crap that's going into our bodies, so I'm going to say this is a pretty logical fear. (Ummm, maybe.)
5. Anything slippery, ever. I do not skate. I never have, and I imagine I never will. You cannot make me get on skates and slide around on terrifying ice. (Don't even get me started on the possibility of slicing a major artery with the blade on those death shoes.) When it's rainy or a floor is wet, I take about 3 times longer to get anywhere. The only thing stopping me from crawling around on the floor is my fear of dying from embarrassment.
These are just a few of the things that worry me on a day to day basis. Or at least they bother me whenever I'm confronted with them. It may seem overdramatic but I'm an anxious person, and the world is a dangerous place. Look for more of these soon because I develop new fears all the time!
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Taking "you look good enough to eat" to the Next Level
I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news (and if you haven't, stop reading right now and go live in a cave, because ignorance is most definitely bliss in this case) but honestly what is up with the increase of totally vulgar and disgusting crimes?! There are specifically four that come to mind here.
1. Guy chews off another guys face
2. Guy sends body parts to Canadian political parties
3. Guy disembowels himself and throws his insides at some cops
4. Guy kills his roommate and then eats his brain and heart
So obviously the best explanation for most of this is the zombie apocalypse. Duh.
Or maybe we should be blaming drugs. Or the psychological stresses of everyday life in America. Who knows if all of these things have anything in common. Are we breathing in a toxin that's turning us all into blood-thirsty lunatics?! Well, probably. Who knows how all the chemicals we've pumped into the air are mixing and effecting our bodies. Is our competitive nature really getting the best of us like this? (It's a human eat human world out there.) Are reality shows driving people completely mad!? Or is it all a big coincidence? (Secretly, this is my theory, although I like to pretend that I think people are just taking the saying, "you look good enough to eat" waaaay too seriously.)
I'm not going to address how disgusting and blah blah blah whatever this whole thing is. You can figure that out for yourself, I hope. If you don't see what's wrong here, then you're probably going to be featured on the news pretty soon as well. Hey, maybe it's the fame game that's making people crazy. ([eat] skin to win.)
Well, I've used enough bad jokes here, and I think you get the point. So goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the zombies bite.
Alene
1. Guy chews off another guys face
2. Guy sends body parts to Canadian political parties
3. Guy disembowels himself and throws his insides at some cops
4. Guy kills his roommate and then eats his brain and heart
So obviously the best explanation for most of this is the zombie apocalypse. Duh.
Or maybe we should be blaming drugs. Or the psychological stresses of everyday life in America. Who knows if all of these things have anything in common. Are we breathing in a toxin that's turning us all into blood-thirsty lunatics?! Well, probably. Who knows how all the chemicals we've pumped into the air are mixing and effecting our bodies. Is our competitive nature really getting the best of us like this? (It's a human eat human world out there.) Are reality shows driving people completely mad!? Or is it all a big coincidence? (Secretly, this is my theory, although I like to pretend that I think people are just taking the saying, "you look good enough to eat" waaaay too seriously.)
I'm not going to address how disgusting and blah blah blah whatever this whole thing is. You can figure that out for yourself, I hope. If you don't see what's wrong here, then you're probably going to be featured on the news pretty soon as well. Hey, maybe it's the fame game that's making people crazy. ([eat] skin to win.)
Well, I've used enough bad jokes here, and I think you get the point. So goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the zombies bite.
Alene
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