The Five Dumbest Things Humans Do With Water

So, I think everyone is aware at this point that the world is running out of clean drinking water. And, if you didn't know about it, I'm sorry for drastically changing the way you brush your teeth (Hint: Turn the tap OFF when your toothbrush isn't under the water.)

So, let's talk about H20. Here are two water-related things I wrote to myself. I have no idea where I was going with either of them and this seems like as good a time as any to reveal them to the internet.

• During summer, a man came into my place of employment and asked me if we had any distilled water or if we only carried spring water. Since I have no idea what the hell(o kitty) distilled water is, I said, "I don't think I know the difference." Then he started going on about how distilled water is fully evaporated and then unevaporated or whatever the word for that is. Then he said, I kid you not, "I'm probably going to get in trouble for getting the wrong kind." Pardon? The wrong kind of WATER? That's close to the dumbest thing I've ever heard. (Note: Since I wrote this I have discovered that there are some breathing machines (or something rather, I don't know technical terms) that only take distilled water, but come on, science. Please. My apologies for being annoyed at this guy when more than likely this is all science's fault, as usual.)
• As a child, I ate a large amount of snow, which parents and teachers insist you do not do. But guess what? I'm fine, and all my friends who did the same are fine. And we were always very hydrated during the winter.

There, that was pointless. Now, let's turn this post into a list!

The Five Dumbest Things Humans Do With Water

Clearly this snow has
yet to be shoved into a pile.
That is a road, by the way.

5. Shovel it into huge, dirty piles. Yep, there's some precious frozen water, arguably the most important element on Earth, just shoved into a big pile mixed with gravel and mud. I don't really have a solution to this. Like, I'm assuming it's pretty pointless to ship snow across the world to countries that need water. And besides, snow is "dirty" apparently even though it's beautiful and white and sparkly. I mean, I know, we have to get it out of the way so we can drive and stuff, but is there NOTHING else we can do with it? It just seems like a huge waste, knowhatimsayin'?

4. Let children run through it/Slip N Slide on it/squirt it out of guns. I think there are people in this world who would weep to see the way that we waste water in the summer. I'm not saying that some of the best times of my life didn't involve a sprinkler or a squirt gun. I'm just saying that when it comes down to it, using fresh tap water to get revenge on your cousin for throwing you in the pool is pretty selfish and wasteful, in the grand scheme of things.

I didn't think a photo of me in the
shower would be appropriate,
so here's my adorable dog taking a bath.

3. Shower in it. A shower might not be so so bad if it was just an in and out sort of deal. I like to think that if you can use less water during your shower than it takes to fill up a bath tub, then maybe you've saved some. However, this doesn't count if you think about the fact that, as Laura Ingalls Wilder went into WAY too much detail about (I swear she was ALWAYS talking about bath water, jeez) there are times and places where people shared and reused bath water. Therefore, letting it all go down the drain, when most of it barely even touched you in the first place is actually a little bit crazy. This, plus the fact that, if you're like me, a shower is a time to contemplate all the world's problems and come up with good tweets. Why is a shower a better time for thinking than just sitting in a chair doing nothing? (Actually, it's because your brain is slightly preoccupied with something else. It's not really trying so hard to think about things, so you can come up with genius ideas. This is all accurate, I just don't have any real terms or definitions to back it up.)

2. Put it in plastic bottles and charge a ton of money for it. Ugh, this is where the thing about distilled water kind of comes back into the picture. Sometimes it's difficult for me to even wrap my head around the fact that people are allowed to sell water. It comes right out of the Earth, but even people who have access to it choose instead to buy it in a store for a stupid price. And there are all these different kinds(?!?) of water. There's classic spring water, which everyone believes to be just tap water, but I assume we'll never know the truth about that. Then there's distilled water. And this summer I started seeing oxygenated water, which is supposedly better for athletes because it prevents any bloating from drinking water or something like that (Personally, I think it's a trick to make people THINK regular water makes them bloated and less capable of doing athletic things, but what do I know, I don't do much more than walk and occasionally jog to catch the bus.) Then of course, there's carbonated water, which is all they drink in Europe and if you've ever read any of my Europe blogs you would know that I HATE IT. And I'm sure I missed a lot of other kinds(?!?), but come on people. Water is water.

Blurry, yes, sorry.
That's the risk you take when
you're a wildlife photographer.

1. Go to the bathroom in it. I talked about this in my Peeing In The Shower post earlier this year and again in Let's Save The Environment. Basically, what I said was WHY DO WE EXCRETE OUR WASTE INTO PERFECTLY CLEAN DRINKING WATER?!? It seems like cats and dogs have been hinting at us forever that we should be drinking out of there because they freaking love it. Like, I know cats who are excited when the toilet is flushed because they're reminded that there is delicious, cold water to be had in that big white thing that their owner sits on sometimes.

So, there you go. The weirdest thing about all this is that what we don't do enough of is actually drink water. Even in Canada where most of the world's fresh water is, a huge portion of the population is clinically dehydrated and they don't even know it. And, there's no way that I avoid doing all of these things. Just a few minutes ago, as I stopped to take a break to pee into some fresh water, I realized that my tap has been on just a little bit since the last time I was in there, probably a few hours ago. I am definitely just as guilty as everyone else, and frankly, until a war over water breaks out, I probably won't stop wasting it, because I'm a human, dam it. (Sea what I did there?)

Let's Save The Environment

So, if global warming is the big deal that everyone says it is (ACTUALLY, I suggest you look up "global cooling" because that's actually much more terrifying) I think we should be sacrificing our lavish lifestyles a little more, don't you think? So, I have made a list of some ideas that I have to save the environment!

1. Tear out toilets. Toilets are, in my opinion, kind of the most pointless human invention out there. Like, even more pointless than *insert whatever human invention you think is the most pointless here*. If we really want to save the environment, we would stop pooping into our fresh water and instead we would drop our waste in holes in the ground and use our poop as fertilizer or fuel or maybe even act like rabbits and eat it a second time to get out ALL the nutrients. (Sorry, maybe that one was too far.)
2. Night Vision Goggles. No more lights. Just goggles. If you can't get yourself some goggles, this is not our problem. Get goggles or you will be attacked on the street in the night or stub your toes at least 16 times a day because lights will no longer be allowed.
3. Remove remote controls. This would not only save a lot of batteries for more important things like all the intense situations in Duracell commercials, but it would also pretty much a. solve obesity (Getting up to change the channel is basically a work out for some people.) and b. encourage kids to read more (Because I would sure as hell rather read than stand at the TV and flick through the channels until I find something good to watch.) which are two extreme first world problems, I believe.
4. Work while you work out. People are at the gym on the treadmill or that stationary bike thing (I don't go to the gym, I don't know names) and all that precious energy is completely going to waste. We need to hook that stuff up to something rather and use all of the generated energy for other things instead of just pumping it randomly out into the wilderness. This one seems beyond obvious to me and I bet aliens have already figured out how to secretly harness all of the energy that is created on those bike things. Also, all track races should take place on a track that can take advantage of the energy somehow as well. Like, in human sized hamster wheels. This idea has probably already been explored but I don't see why we aren't doing it. Gym classes in schools - instead of running laps you do a few minutes on the hamster wheel to charge up the lights. It's the same thing as laps so it's not unethical!
5. The Subway solution. Statistics say that Subway restaurants cause 15% of the content in landfills due to the amount of paper they use when they wrap up their subs. (Note: There may not actually be any statistics that say this.) If Subway used less paper, we would pretty much have this crisis taken care of and we would also be able to eat our subs without folding, tearing, crumpling and swearing.

Share your ideas in the comment section!

Stuff You're Going To Need After The Apocalypse

People are always so concerned about surviving the apocalypse. But anyone who knows anything about the end of the world knows that survival mostly involves luck and being in the right place at the right time. People always forget that once they survive the horrors of whatever apocalypse claims Earth first, they're going to be stuck in a chaotic, unorganized and unpredictable society. So, here's a list of stuff you should be hoarding (in a safe place where it won't be destroyed!) in order to survive AFTER the apocalypse. Some of it is obvious, but it's often the obvious things that you overlook.

Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.

Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.

Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.

Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.

Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.

Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.

Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.

Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.

Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?

Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.

Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.

Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.

Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.

Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?

Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)

Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.

For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.

Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)

Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.

Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.

Miscellaneous 
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.

Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.

Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.

Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.

Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.

Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.

Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.

Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.

Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.

Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours

A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.

Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.

And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.

Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.

Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me The Final Part

I know I said the last one was the last one but let's face it, I find new things to be scared of every day. So, similarly to the Final Destination films which have fuelled so many of my irrational fears, Paranoid is back, even after I promised it was finished.

16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.

17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.

18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.

19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.

20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.


Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.

Don't Eat Plants

I can't even believe the selfishness of some humans, honestly. Like just because we have all of this technology and higher cognitive function we can prey on whatever weaker species we like. And these other beings try SO HARD to stay alive. They have mechanisms and processes going on inside of them that the average person can't even begin to understand. I'm talking about plants, you guys. Poor, innocent plants.

Plants provide our world with nothing but beauty. Gorgeous forests, stunning fields of flowers, gardens that take your breath away. But humans come along, all high and mighty, and pluck these plants out of the ground like they're nothing.
It's like if elephants developed some kind of super powers and became invincible (probably after a nuclear war) then decided they would start eating humans. They could just come along and snatch you out of your car and there would be nothing you could do about it. That's what it's like when humans eat plants.

And VEGETARIANS!? They have the nerve of eating only plants. The weakest of all species on Earth and these monsters prey specifically on them. And they'll argue that they just take the fruit. That the plant will be okay. But that apple is the plant's OVARY. Yeah. What if a giant came along and plucked your ovaries out? Doesn't seem so harmless now, does it? I don't even know how vegetarians can live with themselves. They prey on the weakest of living things. They're the cruelest of humans.

"But plants don't feel anything!" Umm.. did a plant tell you that it can't feel anything? No!

Animals? Animals are pests. Animals root through our garbage and destroy our yards. They steal our babies and defecate on our cars. Plants have never done a bad thing. Except for what, grow through cracks in your sidewalk? Fallen over on your house because ANIMALS have damaged its physical stability?

If we really are a higher species, if we really are a progressive and caring race, we would do something about this issue. Have a heart. Join me. Join in the fight to protect our plant friends. Don't eat plants. 

If _____ Took Over The World

Instead of studying, I decided to compose this list. I hope you love it.


If parrots took over the world, we would all be forced to work in cracker factories for no pay.

If Sigmund Freud took over the world, all fathers would be wiped out.

If nudists took over the world, the obesity problem would probably solve itself pretty quick.

If cartoon characters took over the world, we would all die in hilarious, ACME-related accidents.

If Mr. Peanut took over the world, the Underground Reese's Railroad would (hopefully) become a thing.

If seals look over the world, humans would all be clubbed to death.

If cat ladies took over the world, everyone who isn't a cat will die from lack of food, water and shelter.

If Ron Swanson took over the world, there would be silence.

If Justin Bieber took over the world, all men would be slaughtered and every woman would be forced to carry a Bieber Baby.

If Vegans took over the world, we would eventually run out of vegetation and crops and die.

If cellphones took over the world, we would never leave a call waiting.

If cows took over the world, humans were probably all dead already because seriously, how did COWS take over the world?

If Mark Zuckerberg took over the world, we would all be on the internet... all... the... time... Wait a minute...


Can you think of any? I'd love to hear them.

Being A Grown Up

The surprisingly difficult things that you didn't realize were difficult until you had to do them yourself. Maybe most of these were only difficult for me. Yes, okay, actually, let's start over:

Things That I Found Surprisingly Difficult Once I Had To Do Them Myself:

Hair appointments. #1 reason I find this hard to do is that I absolutely hate the phone so making appointments is scary. (That being said my mommy made my last hair appointment so this is a moot point.) I hate that you can hear a voice, but you can't see a face. And I hate the way my voice sounds. I don't want to sound like an idiot. And it's super unfortunate that there's no way to edit the stupid things you say on the phone. Plus when I get there I always panic and I don't know what to tell the hairdresser. 

Cleanliness. The fact that I'm sitting here in sweatpants that haven't been washed in who knows how long, with piles of clothing and empty bottles surrounding me and unwashed dishes on my desk says it all. (That's a real photo from my dorm room last year. Things have not changed.)

Ordering Food Over The Phone. (Because this is an option now that I'm out of the small town scene.) Again, with the phones. I hate them. And then you have to go meet the creepy delivery guy downstairs where he'll probably kidnap you and take you away to be his sex slave and live in his yucky pizza-box-filled basement.

Laundry. Everyone agrees with laundry, but a lot of it might have something to do with having to go all the way to the basement of the building you're living in to actually do the laundry. Or at least that's how I feel. And everyone else using the laundry room is always an idiot! I've found it very tempting to just go out and buy new underwear every week.

Grocery shopping... Alone. I never know what to buy and I always find that I buy too little or I buy a bunch of stuff that I don't even actually want. Plus, it's scary, going into that big place all alone, facing all the intimidating old ladies with their reusable bags and Air Miles cards. They mean business, but you're just a little university student trying to get her Mr. Noodles.

Healthy eating. Pizza pockets are easier than salad, okay!

Finding someone to talk to. We're going to get a little serious, just for a sec. It's tough to talk to other university students about your problems because they have lots of problems of their own. Not having your mommy there all the time to chat with is tough, at least for me.

The emergency room. Last year I accidentally sliced a tiny piece off the end of one of my fingers. (See pic.) There was blood everywhere and I was freaking out because I thought it was a lot worse than it actually was (I thought my finger was going to have a chunk out of it forever.) But despite the bleeding,  I was absolutely terrified to go to the hospital without my mom, so I didn't. Everything is fine, now (except now when you look suuper close, my finger is a weird shape, I SWEAR!) but I'm not going to be able to skip the emergency room in more severe cases like if a bookcase falls on me or if I accidentally cut off my whole arm with a rusty saw.

There are definitely a lot more of these things I'm going to discover as I get older. I'm super lucky that I can call my mom or dad up almost any time and ask them how the heck I'm supposed to do this stuff. I'm sure I'll repay them someday (when they turn 65 and I don't immediately send them to a nursing home.)

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 3

Yes, there are more.

11. Living upstairs. "What?" you say. You don't know how reliably that floor has been built. It could give away at any time and then you're falling to your death, impaling yourself on your downstairs neighbour's large, pointy, unnecessary statue that takes up half their living room. Or you just hit your head and die, whatever.

12. Eating fruit. No, I'm not just making things up at this point. A lot of the time while I'm sitting there, munching an apple, all I can think about is "what if there's some kind of bug in here and I eat it and it claws at my insides and infects them and I die?" The possibility of choking is, of course, there as well but I'm hardly concerned about that.

13. Standing on anything that is not solid ground. Okay, I'll get on that chair and make one wrong move and then tip over and grab onto the curtains but then the curtains rip and I fall and smash my head off the window sill and then again off the floor and then death happens. Skateboards? Jesus Murphy, no. The most dramatic imagery I ever imagined in my life was when parents would say, "don't do that, you'll crack your head open," and all I could see was my head like an egg against the edge of a bowl. ALL parents said something like this, so you're ALL to blame for my intense fear of falling.

14. Gas pumps. This one sucks, because I work at a gas station. But really, one mis-flicked cigarette ash lands in the wrong spot on the ground and BOOM! we're all dead. Or, the people who leave their car on while you're pumping because, "it won't start again if I turn it off." Yeah? Well it won't start again if it's in two billion little pieces after the whole place blows up either. I like being whole. I got super upset after losing the most minuscule piece off the end of my finger (you can see it if you squint, I swear.) "Oh, but those signs that say no smoking and turn off your car, what about those?" you just said accusingly towards your computer screen. No one listens to signs in the real world, dummy.

15. Those big trucks that are carrying like 20 cars. What if one just came loose and crushed you while you're driving behind that thing? I don't know what is possibly more terrifying than a car flying from 15 feet in the air directly at your face. Maybe like an airplane falling out of the sky but whatever. Just put those cars on a train and save me the anxiety, okay?!


I think this is the end of the Paranoid saga. If you haven't read parts 1 and 2, you can do so here.
Also, I'd like to hear what you're afraid of. Leave a comment. I looove comments.

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 2

5 more things that I'm always pretty concerned will end my life. It's a scary world out there!

6. Intersections/parking lots. Yes, we walk/drive through these all the time. But really, think about how much trust is actually required when you do. You have to trust that a complete stranger doesn't suddenly feel a lust for blood and run you over. That's actually a huge amount. Not to mention all the possible people falling asleep at the wheel/toddlers accidentally putting the car in drive.

7. Escalators. You accidentally trip at the last second and your head gets gobbled up. You don't step off soon enough and you're bleeding out because it ripped our leg off. Someone standing behind you suddenly decides to murder you. You fall down the up escalator and you just keep falling and falling and falling because it's always going up, you can never reach the bottom. Point made, I believe.

8. Power outlets. I pretty much have a mini panic attack every time I plug something in or unplug something. Why? Easy. So many things could go wrong. The cord could be a little cracked or broken. A whole bunch of other technical electriciany stuff could go on... You get the point. Electricity is scary and even though we use it every day, that does not mean it is your friend.

9. Wearing loose shirts to bed. This one sounds dumb, but people have been strangled by weirder things.

10. Elevators. Self-explanatory. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that you could drop to your death at any time from great heights (but you totally could.) My biggest fear here is getting stuck and slowly wasting away in a tiny box that feels like it's continually getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And you could be stuck in there with all sorts of crazies, just to make it worse.



If you haven't read Part 1 of Paranoid click here --> here.
For Part 3 click here --> here.

If you have any comments or concerns or you heard a funny joke today, feel free to leave them in the comment box below.

Also, don't be scared to share. I can almost assure you that you won't end up dead from pressing a button on the internet. Almost...

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 1

I am afraid of the weirdest things. Honestly, I'm aware that some of these are totally irrational fears, but at the same time, there's always the possibility of freak accidents. Don't ever think that you're the exception! One day an anvil might be dropped from a building and you may be standing beneath it. You can't prove that it won't happen. So here's a list of some things that I'm pretty paranoid about. Enjoy, and I hope I scare you into never leaving your house again. (I only say this because at the rate that my fears are growing, it won't be long before I live in a shack in the middle of a field with no furniture or appliances.) Anyways, here are some things you could read about in the paper in the weird death section (I know that doesn't exist, but it should) and some stuff that maybe you do every day, but is totally Danger Bay.

1. Filing cabinets. They are big, they are heavy and if you have more than one drawer open by accident, they could squish you real good. And of course, I sometimes have to sit in front of them, filing stuff into the bottom drawer. I guess this isn't neccesarily a weird death, just a super unfortunate one. Death by files. Worked to death? Drowning in paperwork.

2. Coughing. Basically every time I even start to cough a little bit, I assume it's the end for me. And usually that thought is accompanied with, "Oh man, I'm gonna die right here in this grocery store and everyone is looking and it's gonna be so totally embarrassing." No lie. Half of my fear of death involves dying embarrassingly or while a lot of people are around. (You're probably thinking that this is totally stupid and how would a tragic occurance be embarrassing. Well I assure you, I can find something that could be embarrassing in almost any situation.) So of course, my death will surely come in the lamest of ways and in the most public of places. Coughing myself to death in public.

3. Ceiling fans. I don't know how you can't be terrified of ceiling fans. One loose screw and peeeew, there goes your head. Two reasons that this is inconvinient for me: 1. It's hot as heck around here and we don't have A/C in my home and 2. I like the sound of it, for the most part. UNTIL it starts to sound a little wobbly. Now, this happens all the time. the fan just makes a bit of a silly noise and normal people don't even notice it. But I quickly say a few prayers and scold myself for not making that grilled cheese when I had the chance. Of course the sound is usually nothing and I get over it. But IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN NOTHING. So it's always good to be prepared and wear a suit of armour to bed.

4. Mixing drugs. I'm not talking about meth and cocaine, because I'm terrified of both of those things on their own. No, I'm talking about things as simple as Advil and taurine (that's the stuff in RedBull that doesn't give you wings but does get you a little shaky.) What if there's a weird chemical reaction inside of me and my insides simply implode? What if I ate something that had some kind of chemical in it and now my intestines are steadily melting away and I only have 6 hours to live? This may sound ridiculous but the thoughts cross my mind often. We don't understand half the crap that's going into our bodies, so I'm going to say this is a pretty logical fear. (Ummm, maybe.)

5. Anything slippery, ever. I do not skate. I never have, and I imagine I never will. You cannot make me get on skates and slide around on terrifying ice. (Don't even get me started on the possibility of slicing a major artery with the blade on those death shoes.) When it's rainy or a floor is wet, I take about 3 times longer to get anywhere. The only thing stopping me from crawling around on the floor is my fear of dying from embarrassment. 

These are just a few of the things that worry me on a day to day basis. Or at least they bother me whenever I'm confronted with them. It may seem overdramatic but I'm an anxious person, and the world is a dangerous place. Look for more of these soon because I develop new fears all the time!

Watch your step!


Also, check out Paranoid: Part Two and Part 3 for more ridiculous fears.

This Is Serious: Re-freaking-cycle.

Tonight we were on a mission. In Northern Ontario wildlife is everywhere, especially if you know where to look. Driving on the backroads near the dump, we came across a family of bears (we were in the car, of course.) This was adorable, especially because one cub was running around carrying a plastic container. Total YouTube cutie stuff, you know what I mean?

As it turns out though, the cub was not running merrily with a new toy. No, the plastic container was stuck right on it's head. We rolled the windows down, only to hear the desperate wails of the terrified little guy. To make it all even more heartbreaking, the bear ran blindly right into the side of our car. That sickening thump made everything worse. And there was nothing we could do.

So here's the thing, that little bear wouldn't have been in this predicament if some idiot had recycled his plastic container instead of throwing it in the dump or (even worse) on the road somewhere. Keeping a little blue bin outside your door is not a big deal. It's not going to kill you but as I've seen tonight, it may (more than likely will) kill innocent animals.

I keep telling myself "Winnie the Pooh got his head stuck in the hunny pot all the time." But this time Tigger won't be there to help the little guy and the Mommy bear won't let Christopher Robin anywhere near him. (Children's books often give the best life lessons, but in this case they didn't teach the unfortunate truth about real life bear's lack of knowledge about man-made items)

So "Shaaaame" (Mitch Pritchett, Modern Family.) Maybe think about it a little bit before you toss "just this one container, no big deal," into the garbage, because you may have just killed an animal.

This is a classic human fault. Who cares what happens to this piece of crap as long as it's out of your house ASAP? Recycling isn't all about cutting down on garbage or stopping global warming, etc. It can effect the world much sooner than you think it will.

And that's all I have to say about that. For now.

A Quick Five Ways To Stay Cool This Summer

In case you haven't checked your Facebook yet, the first thing you should know is, it's freaking hot out today. Here are my five ideas for keeping cool on a day like today when you don't have access to A/C.

1. Aim about seven fans at yourself from different angles. This classic manoeuvre was developed in 1962 by some dudes who had broken bones and couldn't go swimming because of their casts, or something, probably.

2. Sit in the big freezer in your basement for a bit. Just move the frozen body parts out of the way and you have a nice, cool (however terribly wasteful) place to hang out. Also, you found some frozen chicken fingers that you can have for dinner tonight!

3. Move to Nunavut. This wouldn't be a waste of your time at all, and you'll never have to deal with the blistering heat again.

4. Find some radioactive waste and hopefully grow gills so you can live underwater. If you happen to get laserbeam eyes instead of gills, use them to break into a giant freezer at DQ and enjoy your day in the cold, eating frozen treats.

5. GET A/C!

Taking "you look good enough to eat" to the Next Level

I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news (and if you haven't, stop reading right now and go live in a cave, because ignorance is most definitely bliss in this case) but honestly what is up with the increase of totally vulgar and disgusting crimes?! There are specifically four that come to mind here.

1. Guy chews off another guys face
2. Guy sends body parts to Canadian political parties
3. Guy disembowels himself and throws his insides at some cops
4. Guy kills his roommate and then eats his brain and heart

So obviously the best explanation for most of this is the zombie apocalypse. Duh.

Or maybe we should be blaming drugs. Or the psychological stresses of everyday life in America. Who knows if all of these things have anything in common. Are we breathing in a toxin that's turning us all into blood-thirsty lunatics?! Well, probably. Who knows how all the chemicals we've pumped into the air are mixing and effecting our bodies. Is our competitive nature really getting the best of us like this? (It's a human eat human world out there.) Are reality shows driving people completely mad!? Or is it all a big coincidence? (Secretly, this is my theory, although I like to pretend that I think people are just taking the saying, "you look good enough to eat" waaaay too seriously.)

I'm not going to address how disgusting and blah blah blah whatever this whole thing is. You can figure that out for yourself, I hope. If you don't see what's wrong here, then you're probably going to be featured on the news pretty soon as well. Hey, maybe it's the fame game that's making people crazy. ([eat] skin to win.)

Well, I've used enough bad jokes here, and I think you get the point. So goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the zombies bite.

Alene

This One's For the Health Nuts

This rant is brought to you by my cheese dust covered keyboard.

Okay, so I'm pretty sick of people telling me what I should and shouldn't eat. I know most people probably agree (unless you're those evil healthy freaks, in which case you've already scrolled down to the comment section to tell me I'm an idiot and my orange juice is going to kill me.) I'll eat what I want, okay?! I'm not fat, by any means (now, I'm not exactly Keira Knightly either. On that note, I could probably eat Keira Knightly in one sitting.) but I eat basically what I want. And what is it that I want to eat? The same thing everyone wants to eat, Pinky: pizza, popcorn, various cheeses, tacos and the occasional giant bowl of ice cream.

There's a few reasons why I genuinely don't give a flying fudgesicle about what all these health people have to say.

1. I'm not going to torture myself by eating broccoli all the time when I could be munching zesty cheese Doritos. This isn't to say that I don't like veggies, because they're pretty tasty. I've found very few foods that I do not enjoy. And I know that some people would call me stuffing my face with expensive chocolates and cheeses totally selfish because poor kids in Africa don't have food. Honestly people, I do my part when it comes to charity, so back off. There's no reason to eat something that I don't like, when that box of toaster strudel has opened up the freezer door to wave at me.

2. We're all going to die eventually, Dummy. No matter what you do, how you eat, how often you exercise, you're going to croak someday. And I DO NOT want my final thoughts to be, "Oh, crap, I wish I'd gotten a popcorn refill the last time I went to the movies. Extra butter."

3. Food is culture. I love to travel, and there's no way I'm going to not taste every local delicacy once or twice or until the whole plateful is gone. To understand a culture, you have to taste it (or that's what I tell myself after I'm laying in a food coma.)

Okay, so, let's sum this up. Ahem, food is good. Stop telling me I can't put ketchup on stuff (Dr. "Stupid" Oz.) Stop telling me orange juice is bad. I've been drinking it as part of a balanced breakfast my whole life and I like the commercials where the oranges do olympic events and junk. I don't always make the fattest choices. When it comes to pizza I prefer thin crust (although to be honest I would eat a pizza that had been dropped on the floor or sprayed with radiation.)

And I'm all cool with those of you who chose to live a certain way, and be all super healthy, just stop telling me about it. I honestly don't care, and the more you say about what I shouldn't eat, the hungrier I get.

Please note: I am NOT supporting the growing obesity is problem in North America. Clearly it is possible to eat what you want without looking like Majin Buu from Drangonball Z (It's a good reference, google it.)

Anyway, that's about all I have on that topic for now. (Just kidding. I'm positive you'll be seeing rants about vegetarian/vegans and people who won't feed their dogs dry dog food.) Don't forget to ask for double cheese.

Alene