Everything Is Dirty

I was listening to the radio today and a guy was talking about how gross it is to touch your phone and then eat with your bare hands. Think about all the places you've set your phone down, or how dirty your hands have been while you were holding your phone. Of course, I was listening to this just minutes after I'd held my phone in my teeth for a second while I was looking for my keys. I read something similar about purses and how they're actually the dirtiest things.

But this stuff doesn't really bother me. You can't always think about stuff like that because it just never ends. EVERYTHING IS DIRTY. Examples:

Let's think about eating at the food court in the mall. Maybe you washed your hands before eating, and there's that weird trust we all have in our food preparing associates that they did the same. But is the table you're eating at clean? Is the tray clean? Did those paper plates all fall on the ground but someone picked them up and decided to use them anyways? Did someone sample some food with that fork and then rinse it off and give it to you to use? Did a crazy person dip the plastic forks in the ebola virus while everyone else had their backs turned? The answer to all of these questions: Maybe. You can never be positive that everything is clean. For all you know, the factory that those utensils were made at is crawling with rats and they used the plastic fork boxes as a bathroom. You weren't there, you don't know.

The exact same situation can be applied to straws. Some people won't drink from cans because there might be mouse poop on the tops. How do you know there wasn't a straw accident where hundreds of straws were dropped all over the ground and then people just picked them up and put them in boxes anyways? Employees at Straws Inc. don't give a dingle whether your straws are clean or not, they just want to fix their problem as quickly as possible. And what if the dude who closes all the straw boxes had a runny nose or sneezed or something and got your straws all mucousy? You don't know.

What about in your own house? Is your table clean? I mean, I guess you can clean it and then you'll know it's clean... But is it REALLY clean? You can't see germs. How do you know they're not there? You probably missed only one germ, and it was the one that will kill you. Or something. I know it's not likely at all, but HOW DO YOU KNOW? Is that scary?

I think about my own house. My dog always sets his chin on the table because he thinks it makes him look cute so we'll give him food. But wait... Did he just go outside and munch on a rotting squirrel carcass? Did he just sniff a little too closely to a pile of coyote excrement? I DON'T KNOW. And even worse is that he sleeps in my bed.

The thing is, all you have to do is touch one unclean surface and then touch a clean surface with the same hand/elbow/wrist/forehead and boom, the clean surface is now unclean. Where am I going with this? Stop thinking about germs so much. It's pointless. But you should probably still wash your hands and shower. Use hand sanitizer and cough into your elbow crease, not onto your hands. There are obviously things we can do to prevent spreading more germs, but there is no way to prevent all germs, so why do we think about things like that so much and why do idiot radio hosts think it's a good idea to point out stupid things like this?

Professor McGonagall Watched Me Pee (More Bathroom Talk)

Here's a fun fact that you should know about me: I have a recurring dream (nightmare) about having to pee in a room with a lot of toilets but no stalls. I mean I have this dream probably once a month. And no, it never ends with me peeing my bed, because I never actually get to do any peeing because I'm too busy panicking about all the people who are about to see me void my bladder.

The dream comes in variations. It usually starts with me in a shopping mall or a grocery store or on a train with a giant pool full of inmates on it (that was a particularly strange one.) Then, I realize I have to pee and I find the bathroom, which is usually a maze (and I mean maze like that one windows screensaver that I spent many many minutes as a child just staring at and then I would accidentally bump against the mouse and have to wait five minutes before the screen saver came on again. That kind of maze.) with toilets scattered all over the place and ladies who I don't know happily peeing and chatting with their friends. Is this weird yet? 

Occasionally the dream will consist of only one person potentially seeing me urinate instead of a whole bunch of people. For instance once Professor McGonagall just stared at me while it happened, and another time (even more disturbing) my Grade 6 teacher was there. I don't know if that has something to do with teachers making me feel uncomfortable? I don't really think they do. Freud might say it means I want to sleep with all my teachers or something. But let's not look into that too much.

The conclusion I've drawn is that this dream just represents the kind of feelings I have towards personal stuff like peeing (and other bathroom duties) or maybe even the kind of private person I am all together. Above hiding physical stuff from people, I also like to keep a lot of my emotional stuff on the DL. This may shock a lot of people who have read my tweets or some of my previous blog posts. Yes, I think my dream is just about keeping private stuff private, and not about wanting to copulate with my professors. 

Anyways, I'm currently reading Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris. Excellent read, I suggest you all give it a try. In one of the chapters he describes a trip to Beijing. "My trip reminded me that we are all just animals, that stuff comes out of every hole we have, no matter where we live or how much money we've got. On some level we all know this and manage, quite pleasantly, to shove it towards the back of our minds." He goes on to say that in China they put it all out in the open. Because after all, it's natural. If I had the courage to tell you all the bathroom stories that have caused me immense amounts of stress in my life, I would. But alas, I am not nearly that brave. Because our society has taught us all to pretend that pee and poop don't happen. The hot people on TV's most popular dramas never stop what they're doing because they have intestinal distress. Dexter never tells his victim that he'll BRB because he has to take care of business. They don't show the part in Indiana Jones where he has to squat in the corner of a cave and relieve himself. Even poor Pumbaa sang that whole bit about being exiled because he had frequent gas. 

Western society just doesn't have a place for bathroom business. Even bathrooms aren't safe for doing some bathroom related things. Ever sit in a stall for 20 minutes just waiting for all the other people to leave? (I'm painfully aware that some people do not have this problem.) And thus we are all doomed to walk around with cramps and bubbly pressure for our entire lives (or until we're old and can't hold it in any more.)

Afterthought: I'm aware that pee and poop have become the subject of not one, not two, but three of my posts. It's easy to talk about it when no one is looking you straight in the face and you can just pretend that someone hacked your account and you didn't write a word of it.

Bacon

Okay, so pretty much every person who loves their taste buds loves bacon. I love bacon. You love bacon. Vegetarians love bacon but they'll deny it. I don't consider vegans to be people so it doesn't matter if they love bacon or not. (I really hope I don't have to tell you that this is a joke.) As far as bacon loving goes, however, I'm actually kind of picky. So, I've decided to dedicate this post to some bacon related things. I don't really know why. For lack of anything else to write about, I suppose.

I want to just throw out there that when it comes to this particular post I give exactly zero Fs about healthiness and longevity or whatever so GET OUT OF HERE, HEALTHY PEOPLE. Although turkey bacon is pretty tasty as well, so there's that.

I seem to have somehow given people the idea that I am a bacon fanatic. Don't get me wrong. I love it and would eat it constantly, all day. But there are certain ways that it is prepared that I have been known to say no to, if I'm not in the mood.

1. It has to be crispy. Not chewy. My brothers are the exact opposite so you can see how this may cause a problem when it comes to family breakfasttime. However, props to them because they ALWAYS make sure to save me bacon when they make it. So I eat the chewy flesh even though it kind of feels like I might as well be just gnawing on a live pig. 
2. Bacon on pizza. Not for me. Pizza is my favourite, and I love bacon, but I don't care for them together, usually. Not that I wouldn't eat multiple slices of pizza with bacon on it. It's just not one of the toppings I would choose. (For the record, my preference is pepperoni, sausage and green olives.)
3. You can maybe assume from #1 that bacon on any sandwich is good IF it is crispy. Same goes for burgers. Fun bacon tip: Get the microwavable stuff. It takes barely any time at all to get super crispy in the microwave AND it is surprisingly delicious. Good for sammies.
4. When I'm at a restaurant for breakfast I always choose sausage over bacon. Every time. Some days when I'm feeling particularly fat and hungry I will ask for bacon as well as sausage, but it's never my first choice. Ham is never even an option, in my mind. And I don't even know what peameal (or Canadian) bacon is. It sounds weird.

Here are some delicious and/or disgusting things that have happened regarding bacon in my life:

• Candied bacon. Like, Epic Meal Time style. This turns some people off because they're FOOD WIMPS. I have no time for food wimps. You can't assume you're going to dislike it, you just have to try it. This is my belief when it comes to anything food related.

• These bacon cups. Delicious and easy to make. Fill them with mac and cheese or scrambled eggs or if you're concerned about dying a death by calories you could use them as a bowl for salad. We also made smaller ones with candied bacon, filled them with melted chocolate and a piece of strawberry. Those were maybe the greatest thing in the history of things but they were consumed too quickly for pictures. Note: This really only works with two layers of bacon. One layer and they fall apart.

• Confession time. Once, I ate the piece of bread that was used to soak up the bacon grease. (This is the disgusting thing. I'm almost ashamed of myself. Almost.) I don't really know why, I guess I was just curious, and I mean, why should the dogs be the only ones to try it? But, I think curiosity almost killed this cat because my heart started beating pretty slowly. So, don't try that one, even though I know everyone wonders what it tastes like (I hope everyone does. Don't tell me I'm the only fat, disgusting one here. You're the one who clicked this post just because it's called "Bacon.") I think it was good, but the aftereffects were not so great so I will not be giving it a second chance

• This bacon-infused beer. It was pretty heavy stuff, so only one glass for me, please. But bacon+beer probably cannot go wrong. Right? Plus, it's called Aporkalypse Now which is hilarious and fantastic. I'm almost positive that this beer was only being brewed for a limited time, though, so it is possible you'll never get to try it, if you haven't tried it already. Sorry for the poor picture quality. That's Hog's Back Brewing Company, if you can't see it.

• Bacon candy canes. Don't EVER eat these. They taste like ashes on the ground after a pig farm burned down. Do, however, give them to your friends and tell them that they're cherry flavoured.

Okay, so I'm going to end this post with a quote from my mother, for all the animal rights people who somehow haven't been turned back on to bacon after the sizzley, delicious looking photos above. 

"If we aren't supposed to eat pigs, why do they look like roasts with legs?"

She's such a smart lady. 

Anyways, share your bacon adventures in the comments. I'd like to try new bacon related things. And don't give me any crap about vegan bacon, for God's sake, because this is how I feel about it -> YOUTUBE LINK THAT I DO NOT OWN.

Peeing in the Shower

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor and I know virtually nothing about cleanliness. I have a fork sitting on my desk from two days ago that I'm too lazy to wash or bring to the sink.

Let's start this one out with a simple statement: Humans are disgusting. That being said, there are certain degrees to our disgustingness. And I have a feeling that different circumstances call for different amounts of cleanliness. And also, people have different opinions about what is "clean" and what is "dirty." Additionally, I don't really know where this paragraph is headed, so let's start again.

Humans are gross. Regardless of how many times you shower today, dude, you're probably mostly just moving various germs and dirt particles around to different areas of your body with your sketchy loofah that your roommate probably secretly uses sometimes because he's too cheap to buy his own. (Note: If my roommate is reading this, I DO NOT use your loofah. Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to rub your skin particles all over me if I can avoid it.)

You can wash your hands as many times as you like but there's no escaping germs. Think about this: How often do you rub your hands on your pants? If you're cursed with extremely sweaty hands like I am, you probably do it all the time. And how many germy surfaces do you touch before you rub your hands on your pants? If you're like me and you love touching germy surfaces, then the number is probably pretty high. So, think about how many germs your pants have accumulated. I only bring this up because when people tell you to open doors with your sleeves and to not touch homeless people, they totally overlook the fact that your pants are probably just as disgusting, if not more disgusting, than both of those things.

I really hope that last paragraph benefitted your life in some way. It's just an epiphany I had and I thought I should share it. But please, don't take it as a go-ahead from me for you to go pantless in public.

The fact is, most people don't even know how to properly wash their hands. I'll admit that I probably do a terrible job of it, even though I've watched countless scenes of Grey's Anatomy where the characters have super intense conversations about life while "scrubbing" their hands before surgery.

"But the title of this post is peeing in the shower and you have not addressed shower urination at all, Alene!" Hold your horses, loves, I'm getting there. I'm about to make a somewhat taboo statement.

Of all the dirty things in this world that humans do, I feel as if peeing in the shower is the least gross. Let me rephrase this: I actually think it's cleaner than most things humans do. Hear me out.

Pee is sterile. Also, you pee in the shower, you wash your hair, the shampoo runs down your body and into the drain and everything is all soaped up and "clean" again.

I think we would all be shocked and disgusted if we could somehow find out how often we come in contact with pee during our lives. Those pants you bought at Value Village? Some drunk chick peed herself on the street in those. Lying in that field with the love of your life, looking at the stars? A badger chose that place to relieve itself yesterday. And guess what? You did not die because of this pee. (Again, I am not a medical professional and if it is possible that death can occur from laying in badger pee, please correct me.)

But the fact is, pee is not a big deal. There are plenty of far worse things to worry about. And besides, some people even like it. (Whoa, we won't go there today. Hopefully we'll never have to go there ever. I'm not that pro-pee, thank you.)

And who was it who decided that humans HAVE to pee in the toilet? The toilet is literally one of the most ridiculous human inventions ever. "Oh, let's take our fresh water, sh*t in it, and then flush it away." But dogs have to go to the bathroom outside because they're not important and we don't mind looking at their poop so much. Why is human excrement so much scarier to see than other animal's? So many poop-related questions. I think those are for another day, though.

Now please, I did not say that I personally pee in the shower, I just said that I don't have a problem with it. And also, sometimes you just really have to go. I hope I don't lose any friends because of this. There are plenty of way dirtier things to worry about, like the guy who just picked his nose, then examined all the apples at Metro or the weird waiter who licks all the cutlery before putting it on the table. With that in mind, have a nice night, and order only finger foods at the pub later.

Kissing Is Weird

I assume you read the title of this post, so, I don't think I really need much more of an intro than that. Kissing is WEIRD. It is. Press your face up against someone else's for a little bit. Touch your mouths together. Your mouths, where bacteria and all kinds of yucky stuff lives. And then tongues get involved and SERIOUSLY?! That's disgusting.

Why is it that sharing a tooth brush is considered absolutely horrid, but we can rub our saliva all over each other's mouths and that's super romantic or hot or attractive or whatever it is?
And you wouldn't walk up to someone you don't know at a bar and take a sip from their drink (I say this, but a guy definitely walked up to me at a bar once and drank half my beverage but I think he may be an exception to the rule because I was in Montreal and everything is backwards there.) I do, however, know plenty of people who would walk up to a person and start kissing them.

Now, I'm not really a big germaphobe. I don't believe in the ten-second rule, I believe in the however-long-it-takes-me-to-see-it-and-pick-it up-off-the-ground rule (with exceptions to certain questionable locations such as bathrooms and airplane tray tables.) But retrieving your food off the ground is a matter of survival and environmental friendliness! Touching your tongue against another person's is not.

It's like when suddenly you're in a relationship with someone (this counts friendships, because friends do this to) it's okay to take a sip from their drink because clearly if you know this person they must not be carrying any diseases or dangerous bacterias. And everyone who you don't know very well must have a mouth crawling with the plague, obviously. For instance, one time at Costco my mother took a drink of what she thought was my beverage, but it was actually just a cup that had been left on the table from the previous inhabitant (BTW this is a pet peeve of mine. Throw out your damn cup, you lazy jerks.) Anyway, so Mom takes a sip, before I could inform her that this was not my cup. She of course proceeded to spit the contents out, which I think is a natural reaction. But think about it: Why is that cup any less sanitary than drinking out of my cup? I don't think there is any such thing as a clean human mouth, so what's the difference? (In case you were wondering how the Costco story ends, I was scolded for not throwing out Mr. Lazy's cup before I sat down because I was supposed to foresee that my mother was not going to buy herself a drink and was just going to steal mine. Sorry, Mom. My intentions here are not to sound like a brat, I just feel as if you should have purchased your own beverage. I'm a thirsty girl.)

This is a PG blog, so I'm not even going to get into how weird other things humans do together are (again, if you really think about them. And more so if you take a quick surf through urbandictionary.com. It's a real eye-opener.) No, actually, let's talk about it. Why (why why why why WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!) is it acceptable to put our mouths ALL up in other people's unmentionable areas? It's not even like this is an animalistic thing, really, because I think only monkeys and dolphins do it too, and they're like super smart. But probably I'm being extremely ignorant to all kinds of knowledge and studies that say differently. Whatever. Anyhoo, we all know what comes out of those areas, correct? But I'm doubting I could find a lot of people who would lick the inside of a toilet bowl. See what I'm saying here? Yet, this is an acceptable (to some extent) practice.

So, we can put our mouths all over each other, but when a dog comes along and tries to lick the remnants of your breakfast burrito from the corner of your mouth, that's disgusting and you have to go rinse your mouth out and spit for like ten minutes and cut your lips off. Okay, to be fair, that dog was just licking its butt and eating a dead squirrel but for all you know the guy you kissed at da club last night also enjoys the occasional road-kill snack. I'm not saying making out with your dog is something that should start happening, but I'm just saying I think it's funny what we deem as gross and what we deem as a fun past-time with another person.

Unsanitary-ness aside, kissing is also weird in the way that dancing is weird. Waving your limbs around and wiggling. Have you ever stood above a dancefloor and just watched everyone? It's actually hilarious, regardless of how "good" a dancer you are. (I know we're getting off topic, but I actually think that the most ridiculous-looking dancers are the "professionals." I'm possibly way over-thinking or over-analyzing the act of dancing. But over-thinking is what I do. That's why this post exists.) Anyway, kissing, shoving your mouth against another person's. Or against their forehead or cheek or whatever. For birds, this exact action is called pecking and it's an act of aggression (I assume, because I know essentially nothing about birds.) And this is arguably the most sincere way we have of telling people we're attracted to them or we like them or whatever. Or at least that's what movies teach us.

I don't want to get into the psych behind kissing or the biological reasons that we enjoy it, I'm just saying that it's weird when you look at the big picture.

In case you want to check out someone else's view on the weirdness of kissing, I found this fun article as well, on a website that I personally enjoy very much. I found this AFTER I wrote most of my post so there is no plagiarism involved, you scholarly jerks. Study: Kissing is Really Weird from hahajk.com.

Public Restrooms

If you're a human being, which I assume you are, there are certain bodily things that you cannot avoid. These bodily things often bring us to the most terrifying place known to the world. I'm talking about public restrooms. We could go on and on about what makes a public bathroom so scary, but I've narrowed it down to a list of the top 5 scariest things (according to me) about public bathrooms. (I'm talking specifically about the women's bathroom. I do not know what happens in the men's and I do not care to.)

5. That lady who you watch leave the stall and walk directly out the door without even pretending to wash her hands. Thank you, Lady, for wiping your genital germs all over the door handle and subsequently all over everything in the mall/all the plates in the buffet/all the play place balls at McDonalds.

4. The giant group of girls who are all checking their hair and make-up and I just want to wash my hands and get back to the giant plate of nachos that I didn't plan on sharing with anyone but now my friends are probably feasting on them, excuse me please! This was always the worst between classes in high school when girls would go to reapply their make-up after every class. Actually, when I think about it I'm not sure if it was the same girls doing this every break or if it was just that half the girls in my high school looked exactly the same. Regardless, this is intimidating for me since I often go to the washroom alone in order to avoid inconveniencing my friends or whoever despite the golden rule of girlhood which states one must always go to the bathroom in a group.

3. Everything is always wet. I don't really think I need to explain why this is disturbing, so all I will do is pose this one simple yet baffling and disturbing question: What exactly IS this liquid that is covering EVERYTHING?

2. Running out of TP. This is always the worst. And jeepers, what if you broke female tradition and went to the bathroom by yourself? And so you have to ask a stranger beside you for some and she's probably been sitting in that stall all day waiting for someone to ask her for TP because that's how she chooses her next murder victim. TP tip courtesy of my mother: When in a TP pickle, just use the TP roll itself. (It should be noted that this is a solution that only works when peeing. If other functions have occurred, you're, forgive me, SOL.)

1. Making eye contact with someone through the crack in the stall. This is by far my worst fear. I have a recurring nightmare where I have to use a public bathroom and there's no door on the stall or there's no stall at all. (This is a true story. I have it ALL the time.) And think about this: How often do you look up when you're using a public bathroom? Never. Someone could be standing on the toilet in the next stall and watching you. I'm just saying, there are some creepy people out there. And let's not overlook those pesky little brats crawling around on the ground and looking under stalls. Has this ever happened to you? It happened to me sometime during my pubescent years and I don't think I ever recovered from it. But back to the crack thing (that's a joke that cannot be avoided in this case.) I know most people don't mean to do it, but sometimes your eyes get a little bit out of control and you accidentally peek. I can't be the only person who this has accidentally happened to (Please tell me I'm not the only person this has accidentally happened to.) So, regardless of what side of the stall door you're on, that crack in the stall door is a dangerous thing.

You may have noticed that I left out the thing that most people are most afraid of. You all know what I'm referring 2. But I was trying not 2 get 2 graphic and it generally goes without saying, so I left it out. 2. (<---- Did you figure it out yet?)
So now, please forward this to your friend who just dragged you to the bathroom with her even though you didn't have to go in hopes that she'll hurry the hell up so you can get out of this wretched place. And remember, wash your damn hands!

Sweatpants In Public

Most of the time, I have a strict dress code for myself: No sweatpants in public. (This has obvious exceptions ie. at the gym or the hospital. But I avoid the gym at all costs and I try to stay out of the hospital as well so this doesn't apply often.) However, lately I've been venturing to Tim Hortons while wearing sweat pants. Perhaps this is because I've found the best sweat pants ever? (No.) Or maybe I've become comfortable with myself and I don't care what other people think. (No.) Or maybe I'm just lazy and don't care. (Probably.) Either way, I've been thinking about the two sides of this argument: To sweatpant in public or not to sweatpant in public?

Note: PJ pants are not sweatpants and those should stay at home in all cases. See People of Walmart Dot Com please.

To Sweatpant

Who cares what you're wearing? Clothing isn't a crucial part of our lives. It's not necessity and so why should we focus so much time on it? Why should anyone else care what I'm wearing? Besides, these sweatpants are designer and they cost more than your car.

Not To Sweatpant

Everyone judges you by what they see (at first, anyway.) So if they see you wearing the same sweatpants you were wearing last night, they are going to get a negative opinion of you. (They're going to think you're disgusting.) They don't know how much those pants cost. It's all about first impressions. Isn't that the point of fashion?
And don't even get me started on the issues I have with guys walking around in sweatpants. I know that many ladies agree with me when I say that there's no way everything is under control in that situation.


So what's your opinion? Are you for or against public sweatpants? Take a second to take the poll on the side of this page.

An Afterthought On Yoga Pants

While I was writing I got thinking about "Lulus" and how girls seem to think that yoga pants can be used as regular pants and can in fact be a dressy article of clothing. This is ridiculous and I strongly believe that you should never wear yoga pants to a formal occasion. Yoga pants are a piece of exercise attire so its like a dude wearing his spandex bike suit to a classy dinner. Think about that for a second.

25 Things I Would Rather Talk About Than Who Slept With Who Last Weekend

This is for my peers who (this shouldn't come as a surprise) are totally obsessed with gossiping about hookups. I, for one, do not care at all, and here's a substantialish list of things I would rather talk about than who got drunk and did something (someone) stupid.

1. Some funny things your cat did last night.

2. A new recipe that you tried out that you think perhaps I may like to try as well.

3. Your favourite flower. (mine is a daisy and I can talk about them for a good ten minutes)

4. The hilarity of 30 Rock.

5. The probability of aliens taking over the world.

6. The probability that aliens have ALREADY taken over the world.

7. Various cheese types, because there's a lot of delicious possibilities.

8. The number of times you had to stop and tie your dumb shoe yesterday. (For me, it was eight)

9. Some wildlife you recently saw/came in contact with.

10. Your favourite summer colours. Tis the season.

11. Words that actually sound super funny if you really think about it. Like "ear." Keep saying it. I know, weird, right?

12. Action movies.

13. Your dog's favourite chew toy.

14. Mythology.

15. The fact that you're wearing uncomfortable underwear.

16. Weird fruits.

17. The economy.

18. Bath salts.

19. The most comfortable shoes ever in the whole wide world. (It's a constant mission in my life to locate these and make them mine.)

20. A step by step lesson on how to make balloon animals.

21. End of the world theories/Government conspiracies.

22. How freaking cool beavers are. They are!!

23. A fun childhood vacation memory.

24. The weather.

25. Me. Mememememememememememememememe. Me. Obviously.