The Middle Armrest

This is a classic dilemma that plagues trains, movie theatres and waiting rooms all over the world. It's also an issue I think about for probably a lot longer than necessary every time I'm faced with the problem. Who gets the Middle Armrest?

This situation is easy to resolve if the person in the seat adjacent to you is someone you know. You simply ask, "Hey, can I use this to rest my arm on?" And if they're cool, they'll say, "Yeah, for sure." If they're your sibling though, they will NEVER LET YOU HAVE IT. It's in the Sibling Code of Conduct: Section 15: Paragraph 3: A sibling will under no circumstances voluntarily allow their brother/sister to use the middle armrest without A) Constantly nudging said brother/sister's arm or B) Making a scene.

I don't make up the rules.

I know it's also possible to share the armrest, yes. But only with someone you know. Touching elbows with a person who you don't know is, for lack of any other word that could possibly describe it, awkward. But it's weird that it's so awkward. It's not like the elbow is a particularly erogenous zone. I think it's actually probably the least sexy place on the body. So that can't be the reason. I personally think that we find accidental elbow touching so weird because it's usually so unexpected. And I always panic. Like, should I look at them now? Should I apologise for brushing their body part with my own? Should I ignore it and pretend it didn't happen? Are we better seat-friends now that we've had physical contact? These are all things that go through my head when I experience an accidental elbow-brush.

So who gets the armrest? I usually stick with the opinion that if the other person was there first, they get first dibs. If they seem uninterested after a while, then I take it over, at least for a little bit. That seems reasonable. But the real problem for me occurs when I was there first and someone sits down and immediately claims the armrest. This person is probably a little more up front about things and they're also A HUGE A-HOLE. I'm mostly joking, but I do always get a bit annoyed. Like, this person thinks they're the freaking Roman Empire or something.

Then there's always the "No one uses the armrest just in case," scenario. What if the other person needs to get up to pee and needs to balance themselves with the armrest? What if there is a shoulder cramp and the other person needs more elbow room? What if they're reading a particularly shocking novel and they need to grab the armrest for support? If your arm is there, you're going to impose on their armrest emergency, and no one wants that.

The funny thing is that there is one option that almost no one ever goes for, and it's the easiest one: Ask if your seat-mate minds if you take up the armrest. I think it shows respect and appreciation for your fellow human beings. It says, "I know you're here, and I know this armrest is partially yours, and I welcome your opinion." But I hate talking to people, so this fantastic citizen will never be me.

Everything Is Dirty

I was listening to the radio today and a guy was talking about how gross it is to touch your phone and then eat with your bare hands. Think about all the places you've set your phone down, or how dirty your hands have been while you were holding your phone. Of course, I was listening to this just minutes after I'd held my phone in my teeth for a second while I was looking for my keys. I read something similar about purses and how they're actually the dirtiest things.

But this stuff doesn't really bother me. You can't always think about stuff like that because it just never ends. EVERYTHING IS DIRTY. Examples:

Let's think about eating at the food court in the mall. Maybe you washed your hands before eating, and there's that weird trust we all have in our food preparing associates that they did the same. But is the table you're eating at clean? Is the tray clean? Did those paper plates all fall on the ground but someone picked them up and decided to use them anyways? Did someone sample some food with that fork and then rinse it off and give it to you to use? Did a crazy person dip the plastic forks in the ebola virus while everyone else had their backs turned? The answer to all of these questions: Maybe. You can never be positive that everything is clean. For all you know, the factory that those utensils were made at is crawling with rats and they used the plastic fork boxes as a bathroom. You weren't there, you don't know.

The exact same situation can be applied to straws. Some people won't drink from cans because there might be mouse poop on the tops. How do you know there wasn't a straw accident where hundreds of straws were dropped all over the ground and then people just picked them up and put them in boxes anyways? Employees at Straws Inc. don't give a dingle whether your straws are clean or not, they just want to fix their problem as quickly as possible. And what if the dude who closes all the straw boxes had a runny nose or sneezed or something and got your straws all mucousy? You don't know.

What about in your own house? Is your table clean? I mean, I guess you can clean it and then you'll know it's clean... But is it REALLY clean? You can't see germs. How do you know they're not there? You probably missed only one germ, and it was the one that will kill you. Or something. I know it's not likely at all, but HOW DO YOU KNOW? Is that scary?

I think about my own house. My dog always sets his chin on the table because he thinks it makes him look cute so we'll give him food. But wait... Did he just go outside and munch on a rotting squirrel carcass? Did he just sniff a little too closely to a pile of coyote excrement? I DON'T KNOW. And even worse is that he sleeps in my bed.

The thing is, all you have to do is touch one unclean surface and then touch a clean surface with the same hand/elbow/wrist/forehead and boom, the clean surface is now unclean. Where am I going with this? Stop thinking about germs so much. It's pointless. But you should probably still wash your hands and shower. Use hand sanitizer and cough into your elbow crease, not onto your hands. There are obviously things we can do to prevent spreading more germs, but there is no way to prevent all germs, so why do we think about things like that so much and why do idiot radio hosts think it's a good idea to point out stupid things like this?

Professor McGonagall Watched Me Pee (More Bathroom Talk)

Here's a fun fact that you should know about me: I have a recurring dream (nightmare) about having to pee in a room with a lot of toilets but no stalls. I mean I have this dream probably once a month. And no, it never ends with me peeing my bed, because I never actually get to do any peeing because I'm too busy panicking about all the people who are about to see me void my bladder.

The dream comes in variations. It usually starts with me in a shopping mall or a grocery store or on a train with a giant pool full of inmates on it (that was a particularly strange one.) Then, I realize I have to pee and I find the bathroom, which is usually a maze (and I mean maze like that one windows screensaver that I spent many many minutes as a child just staring at and then I would accidentally bump against the mouse and have to wait five minutes before the screen saver came on again. That kind of maze.) with toilets scattered all over the place and ladies who I don't know happily peeing and chatting with their friends. Is this weird yet? 

Occasionally the dream will consist of only one person potentially seeing me urinate instead of a whole bunch of people. For instance once Professor McGonagall just stared at me while it happened, and another time (even more disturbing) my Grade 6 teacher was there. I don't know if that has something to do with teachers making me feel uncomfortable? I don't really think they do. Freud might say it means I want to sleep with all my teachers or something. But let's not look into that too much.

The conclusion I've drawn is that this dream just represents the kind of feelings I have towards personal stuff like peeing (and other bathroom duties) or maybe even the kind of private person I am all together. Above hiding physical stuff from people, I also like to keep a lot of my emotional stuff on the DL. This may shock a lot of people who have read my tweets or some of my previous blog posts. Yes, I think my dream is just about keeping private stuff private, and not about wanting to copulate with my professors. 

Anyways, I'm currently reading Let's Explore Diabetes With Owls by David Sedaris. Excellent read, I suggest you all give it a try. In one of the chapters he describes a trip to Beijing. "My trip reminded me that we are all just animals, that stuff comes out of every hole we have, no matter where we live or how much money we've got. On some level we all know this and manage, quite pleasantly, to shove it towards the back of our minds." He goes on to say that in China they put it all out in the open. Because after all, it's natural. If I had the courage to tell you all the bathroom stories that have caused me immense amounts of stress in my life, I would. But alas, I am not nearly that brave. Because our society has taught us all to pretend that pee and poop don't happen. The hot people on TV's most popular dramas never stop what they're doing because they have intestinal distress. Dexter never tells his victim that he'll BRB because he has to take care of business. They don't show the part in Indiana Jones where he has to squat in the corner of a cave and relieve himself. Even poor Pumbaa sang that whole bit about being exiled because he had frequent gas. 

Western society just doesn't have a place for bathroom business. Even bathrooms aren't safe for doing some bathroom related things. Ever sit in a stall for 20 minutes just waiting for all the other people to leave? (I'm painfully aware that some people do not have this problem.) And thus we are all doomed to walk around with cramps and bubbly pressure for our entire lives (or until we're old and can't hold it in any more.)

Afterthought: I'm aware that pee and poop have become the subject of not one, not two, but three of my posts. It's easy to talk about it when no one is looking you straight in the face and you can just pretend that someone hacked your account and you didn't write a word of it.

Let's Save The Environment

So, if global warming is the big deal that everyone says it is (ACTUALLY, I suggest you look up "global cooling" because that's actually much more terrifying) I think we should be sacrificing our lavish lifestyles a little more, don't you think? So, I have made a list of some ideas that I have to save the environment!

1. Tear out toilets. Toilets are, in my opinion, kind of the most pointless human invention out there. Like, even more pointless than *insert whatever human invention you think is the most pointless here*. If we really want to save the environment, we would stop pooping into our fresh water and instead we would drop our waste in holes in the ground and use our poop as fertilizer or fuel or maybe even act like rabbits and eat it a second time to get out ALL the nutrients. (Sorry, maybe that one was too far.)
2. Night Vision Goggles. No more lights. Just goggles. If you can't get yourself some goggles, this is not our problem. Get goggles or you will be attacked on the street in the night or stub your toes at least 16 times a day because lights will no longer be allowed.
3. Remove remote controls. This would not only save a lot of batteries for more important things like all the intense situations in Duracell commercials, but it would also pretty much a. solve obesity (Getting up to change the channel is basically a work out for some people.) and b. encourage kids to read more (Because I would sure as hell rather read than stand at the TV and flick through the channels until I find something good to watch.) which are two extreme first world problems, I believe.
4. Work while you work out. People are at the gym on the treadmill or that stationary bike thing (I don't go to the gym, I don't know names) and all that precious energy is completely going to waste. We need to hook that stuff up to something rather and use all of the generated energy for other things instead of just pumping it randomly out into the wilderness. This one seems beyond obvious to me and I bet aliens have already figured out how to secretly harness all of the energy that is created on those bike things. Also, all track races should take place on a track that can take advantage of the energy somehow as well. Like, in human sized hamster wheels. This idea has probably already been explored but I don't see why we aren't doing it. Gym classes in schools - instead of running laps you do a few minutes on the hamster wheel to charge up the lights. It's the same thing as laps so it's not unethical!
5. The Subway solution. Statistics say that Subway restaurants cause 15% of the content in landfills due to the amount of paper they use when they wrap up their subs. (Note: There may not actually be any statistics that say this.) If Subway used less paper, we would pretty much have this crisis taken care of and we would also be able to eat our subs without folding, tearing, crumpling and swearing.

Share your ideas in the comment section!

I Don't Skate

So, I don't know if you noticed or not, but I'm scared of a lot of things. I spend more time worrying about what could happen if I do something than I actually spend doing things. I'm pretty sure I've been this way forever, and it can get really frustrating when my brain says everything is going to be fine but then some little crazy person who also lives in my head reminds me of the 4050 reasons that it might not be fine.

Yeah, I'm terrified of dying in a car accident or falling and breaking my leg getting off the bus. But so is everyone else. The weirdest thing about me is that it's not necessarily the death or the broken bones which terrify me (okay, that's super scary stuff, but just bear with me). The worst part about all of that is that then people would see me, notice me, have to help me, etc. and for some reason that's the scariest thing in the world to me. I just want to go about my business, blending in to the crowd and looking like a perfectly normal human. I don't want to make a scene. I don't want to be different.

Normal. That's the important thing. This is why when people ask me this one particular, no-big-deal-for-most-Canadians question, I have a tiny panic attack. "Want to go skating?"

No, I don't want to go skating. Why? Because I can't. Except I never tell people I "can't" skate. I say, "I don't skate," as if it's something comparable to "I don't drink" or "I don't hunt humans for sport." When someone says they "don't" do something, it implies that they're making a choice not to do it, but they could do it if they wanted to. But it you put me on a pair of skates, I would end up on my butt in a matter of seconds. Because it's not that I don't skate. It's that I can't.*

I always say it's because I'm afraid of falling and damaging my coccyx or smashing my head or getting my throat slit by someone else who goes skating by, which is partially true. You should see me walk across icy sidewalks. I'm sure it's hilarious and it definitely takes me an unreasonable amount of time to get places. So, yes, part of it is fear of falling and looking like an idiot.

But in reality, I'm mostly scared of failing. And people seeing me fail. It's the same reason it took me a long time to learn how to tie my shoes. The same reason most of my basketball playing career was spent terrified of handling the ball. If I don't try, then I can't fail. And at this point, learning to skate would be a whole lot of me falling and looking dumb and people seeing me do it (because there's no way I'm going out on the ice with blades strapped to my shoes by myself).

Of course, if you don't try you won't succeed at anything either. But I'd rather be a non-succeeder than a failure. Go about my life in mediocrity and stuff like that. (I'm just kidding. No one wants that.)

And I know that everyone went through this. Everyone was four years old and falling down and looking dumb. But clearly even as a young child I was insecure enough to be aware that I didn't want people to look at me and see me falling down. Because what if I was terrible at it? What if I never got good? I'm guessing it was just easier for little Alene to give up, because that way she was only "bad" at it because she hadn't really tried.

One time my class went on a field trip to go skating and I stayed behind. When my classmates returned, we all had to write a journal entry about our day on the ice. Oh, wait, except for me. I wrote about my day spent sitting in the library probably reading Berenstain Bear books and hoping that people didn't notice that I had stayed behind. And then of course we had to read them out loud. The worst part of the day though, came when one of my classmates came up and told me that she was discussing with our teacher and they're both pretty sure that I didn't go because I don't know how to skate. I don't know if she said it in a mocking way or if she was trying to be sympathetic, but I do remember being unbelievably angry and upset. I denied not being able to and was probably kind of mean to her about it. But that moment has always stuck with me.

You wouldn't think something as unimportant as this would cause someone so much stress. But it did. And it still does now. You're probably thinking, "Just go and learn to skate and stop whining." It's not that easy. Plus, really, I've gone this long in my life without it, I think I'll live. And, seriously, I'm a bit higher off the ground now than I was when I was four. Do you really think I'm going to enjoy falling at this point?

This shouldn't be a big deal because I'm sure the majority of the world can't skate since the majority of the world's population doesn't have access to ice or even shoes for that matter so why would they own skates? I'm definitely not the minority when it comes to the entire planet, but I am the minority when it comes to Canada, and since I don't hang out in Africa a lot, I think it's kind of a bigger deal.

It has only been extremely recently that I've been able to admit this to anyone. I dated someone for three years and never told him. I just made up excuse after excuse as to why I couldn't go. I honestly don't know why it's such a big deal. To my friends, I tried to act like I could but I just didn't want to. I don't know that my pathetic attempts really fooled anyone, but I do know that most of them don't ask me to go skating anymore.

So, I guess what this is is just me getting this off my chest. And hopefully it will feel good, because at this point, I'm panicking a bit about it.

Wait, I forgot to tell you the part that makes the entire thing 10000x worse for me. The reasons I never took up skating are the exact same reasons that you'll never see me riding a bike anywhere. I feel like it would be easier if it were one or the other, but it's both.

I guess I'm hoping that I'll get some feedback and people will tell me A. That I'm not alone. Which I know I'm not, it's just good to see real live people who are in the same boat and B. That I'm not crazy and these are rational feelings. Which I know they are because I read about it in a textbook. But again, it's nice when real live people share your problems, isn't it?

*Please don't tell me to "never say never" or some nonsense. I'm aware that I'm physically capable if I just set my mind to it and did it. Please just enjoy that paragraph because it was kind of funny and move on.

Stuff You're Going To Need After The Apocalypse

People are always so concerned about surviving the apocalypse. But anyone who knows anything about the end of the world knows that survival mostly involves luck and being in the right place at the right time. People always forget that once they survive the horrors of whatever apocalypse claims Earth first, they're going to be stuck in a chaotic, unorganized and unpredictable society. So, here's a list of stuff you should be hoarding (in a safe place where it won't be destroyed!) in order to survive AFTER the apocalypse. Some of it is obvious, but it's often the obvious things that you overlook.

Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.

Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.

Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.

Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.

Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.

Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.

Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.

Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.

Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?

Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.

Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.

Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.

Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.

Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?

Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)

Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.

For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.

Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)

Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.

Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.

Miscellaneous 
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.

Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.

Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.

Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.

Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.

Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.

Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.

Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.

Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.

Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours

A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.

Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.

And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.

Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.

Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me The Final Part

I know I said the last one was the last one but let's face it, I find new things to be scared of every day. So, similarly to the Final Destination films which have fuelled so many of my irrational fears, Paranoid is back, even after I promised it was finished.

16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.

17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.

18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.

19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.

20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.


Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 3

Yes, there are more.

11. Living upstairs. "What?" you say. You don't know how reliably that floor has been built. It could give away at any time and then you're falling to your death, impaling yourself on your downstairs neighbour's large, pointy, unnecessary statue that takes up half their living room. Or you just hit your head and die, whatever.

12. Eating fruit. No, I'm not just making things up at this point. A lot of the time while I'm sitting there, munching an apple, all I can think about is "what if there's some kind of bug in here and I eat it and it claws at my insides and infects them and I die?" The possibility of choking is, of course, there as well but I'm hardly concerned about that.

13. Standing on anything that is not solid ground. Okay, I'll get on that chair and make one wrong move and then tip over and grab onto the curtains but then the curtains rip and I fall and smash my head off the window sill and then again off the floor and then death happens. Skateboards? Jesus Murphy, no. The most dramatic imagery I ever imagined in my life was when parents would say, "don't do that, you'll crack your head open," and all I could see was my head like an egg against the edge of a bowl. ALL parents said something like this, so you're ALL to blame for my intense fear of falling.

14. Gas pumps. This one sucks, because I work at a gas station. But really, one mis-flicked cigarette ash lands in the wrong spot on the ground and BOOM! we're all dead. Or, the people who leave their car on while you're pumping because, "it won't start again if I turn it off." Yeah? Well it won't start again if it's in two billion little pieces after the whole place blows up either. I like being whole. I got super upset after losing the most minuscule piece off the end of my finger (you can see it if you squint, I swear.) "Oh, but those signs that say no smoking and turn off your car, what about those?" you just said accusingly towards your computer screen. No one listens to signs in the real world, dummy.

15. Those big trucks that are carrying like 20 cars. What if one just came loose and crushed you while you're driving behind that thing? I don't know what is possibly more terrifying than a car flying from 15 feet in the air directly at your face. Maybe like an airplane falling out of the sky but whatever. Just put those cars on a train and save me the anxiety, okay?!


I think this is the end of the Paranoid saga. If you haven't read parts 1 and 2, you can do so here.
Also, I'd like to hear what you're afraid of. Leave a comment. I looove comments.

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 2

5 more things that I'm always pretty concerned will end my life. It's a scary world out there!

6. Intersections/parking lots. Yes, we walk/drive through these all the time. But really, think about how much trust is actually required when you do. You have to trust that a complete stranger doesn't suddenly feel a lust for blood and run you over. That's actually a huge amount. Not to mention all the possible people falling asleep at the wheel/toddlers accidentally putting the car in drive.

7. Escalators. You accidentally trip at the last second and your head gets gobbled up. You don't step off soon enough and you're bleeding out because it ripped our leg off. Someone standing behind you suddenly decides to murder you. You fall down the up escalator and you just keep falling and falling and falling because it's always going up, you can never reach the bottom. Point made, I believe.

8. Power outlets. I pretty much have a mini panic attack every time I plug something in or unplug something. Why? Easy. So many things could go wrong. The cord could be a little cracked or broken. A whole bunch of other technical electriciany stuff could go on... You get the point. Electricity is scary and even though we use it every day, that does not mean it is your friend.

9. Wearing loose shirts to bed. This one sounds dumb, but people have been strangled by weirder things.

10. Elevators. Self-explanatory. I'm not even going to bring up the fact that you could drop to your death at any time from great heights (but you totally could.) My biggest fear here is getting stuck and slowly wasting away in a tiny box that feels like it's continually getting smaller and smaller and smaller. And you could be stuck in there with all sorts of crazies, just to make it worse.



If you haven't read Part 1 of Paranoid click here --> here.
For Part 3 click here --> here.

If you have any comments or concerns or you heard a funny joke today, feel free to leave them in the comment box below.

Also, don't be scared to share. I can almost assure you that you won't end up dead from pressing a button on the internet. Almost...

Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me Part 1

I am afraid of the weirdest things. Honestly, I'm aware that some of these are totally irrational fears, but at the same time, there's always the possibility of freak accidents. Don't ever think that you're the exception! One day an anvil might be dropped from a building and you may be standing beneath it. You can't prove that it won't happen. So here's a list of some things that I'm pretty paranoid about. Enjoy, and I hope I scare you into never leaving your house again. (I only say this because at the rate that my fears are growing, it won't be long before I live in a shack in the middle of a field with no furniture or appliances.) Anyways, here are some things you could read about in the paper in the weird death section (I know that doesn't exist, but it should) and some stuff that maybe you do every day, but is totally Danger Bay.

1. Filing cabinets. They are big, they are heavy and if you have more than one drawer open by accident, they could squish you real good. And of course, I sometimes have to sit in front of them, filing stuff into the bottom drawer. I guess this isn't neccesarily a weird death, just a super unfortunate one. Death by files. Worked to death? Drowning in paperwork.

2. Coughing. Basically every time I even start to cough a little bit, I assume it's the end for me. And usually that thought is accompanied with, "Oh man, I'm gonna die right here in this grocery store and everyone is looking and it's gonna be so totally embarrassing." No lie. Half of my fear of death involves dying embarrassingly or while a lot of people are around. (You're probably thinking that this is totally stupid and how would a tragic occurance be embarrassing. Well I assure you, I can find something that could be embarrassing in almost any situation.) So of course, my death will surely come in the lamest of ways and in the most public of places. Coughing myself to death in public.

3. Ceiling fans. I don't know how you can't be terrified of ceiling fans. One loose screw and peeeew, there goes your head. Two reasons that this is inconvinient for me: 1. It's hot as heck around here and we don't have A/C in my home and 2. I like the sound of it, for the most part. UNTIL it starts to sound a little wobbly. Now, this happens all the time. the fan just makes a bit of a silly noise and normal people don't even notice it. But I quickly say a few prayers and scold myself for not making that grilled cheese when I had the chance. Of course the sound is usually nothing and I get over it. But IT MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN NOTHING. So it's always good to be prepared and wear a suit of armour to bed.

4. Mixing drugs. I'm not talking about meth and cocaine, because I'm terrified of both of those things on their own. No, I'm talking about things as simple as Advil and taurine (that's the stuff in RedBull that doesn't give you wings but does get you a little shaky.) What if there's a weird chemical reaction inside of me and my insides simply implode? What if I ate something that had some kind of chemical in it and now my intestines are steadily melting away and I only have 6 hours to live? This may sound ridiculous but the thoughts cross my mind often. We don't understand half the crap that's going into our bodies, so I'm going to say this is a pretty logical fear. (Ummm, maybe.)

5. Anything slippery, ever. I do not skate. I never have, and I imagine I never will. You cannot make me get on skates and slide around on terrifying ice. (Don't even get me started on the possibility of slicing a major artery with the blade on those death shoes.) When it's rainy or a floor is wet, I take about 3 times longer to get anywhere. The only thing stopping me from crawling around on the floor is my fear of dying from embarrassment. 

These are just a few of the things that worry me on a day to day basis. Or at least they bother me whenever I'm confronted with them. It may seem overdramatic but I'm an anxious person, and the world is a dangerous place. Look for more of these soon because I develop new fears all the time!

Watch your step!


Also, check out Paranoid: Part Two and Part 3 for more ridiculous fears.