Soccer Players Are Wimps

The Stanley Cup playoffs are almost here! (Go Habs Go!) And in honour of Canada's national winter sport, I'm going to address one of my least favourite hockey player cliches: Chirping soccer players.

These are a few reasons why I think it makes you sound like a complete ijit when calling soccer players wimpy (Or whatever new slang hockey players have come up with. Hockey slang words deserve their own post because they are THE WORST):

• Soccer players are wearing less padding. They basically have styrofoam plates strapped to their shins and that's it. Give them a break, okay?
• There's spikes on those shoes! It's not the same as sliding around on a knife like hockey players do, but it has to be pretty painful, especially on bare skin. Hockey players are pretty much wearing suits of armour.
• In hockey, you can't make a big deal about it or you get chirped forever and called dumb hockey cliche names like *Insert whatever slang word is in style right now. I don't even know.* It's actually ruthless and wild. And most of the chirping comes from overweight hockey fans who tweet about how weak a player is for crying while their mom does their laundry for them in the next room, probably.
• You don't think that every hockey player who gets hit in the face with a puck DOESN'T secretly wish he could go curl up in his mommy's arms, do you? Because if that's what you think then I fear you are terribly wrong. I guarantee Crosby called up his mom and grunted lots of whiny things to her after he got hit in the face with that puck. Can you imagine if a hockey player cried? He would actually have to quit playing.

Anyway, the fact remains, that soccer (or football as it's known basically everywhere except Canada and the US. It doesn't even make sense to call American Football "football" because only a tiny percentage of the game involves touching the ball with your foot.) is the most popular sport in the world. Hockey is only most popular in Canada and Finland. Have you ever seen a German football game? People are setting stuff on fire, and storming onto the pitch. It's complete madness. In hockey, fans just blow those stupid plastic horns people hand out when you walk into the arena. So, clearly, regardless of how "wimpy" soccer is, there must be something exciting about it.

That being said, I hate watching soccer and I love watching hockey. But shut up with the "hockey players are the toughest athletes." Your sport is one fancy spin away from being figure skating, just remember that.

Buuut, I don't play either sport, so perhaps I should shut up.