Everything Is Dirty

I was listening to the radio today and a guy was talking about how gross it is to touch your phone and then eat with your bare hands. Think about all the places you've set your phone down, or how dirty your hands have been while you were holding your phone. Of course, I was listening to this just minutes after I'd held my phone in my teeth for a second while I was looking for my keys. I read something similar about purses and how they're actually the dirtiest things.

But this stuff doesn't really bother me. You can't always think about stuff like that because it just never ends. EVERYTHING IS DIRTY. Examples:

Let's think about eating at the food court in the mall. Maybe you washed your hands before eating, and there's that weird trust we all have in our food preparing associates that they did the same. But is the table you're eating at clean? Is the tray clean? Did those paper plates all fall on the ground but someone picked them up and decided to use them anyways? Did someone sample some food with that fork and then rinse it off and give it to you to use? Did a crazy person dip the plastic forks in the ebola virus while everyone else had their backs turned? The answer to all of these questions: Maybe. You can never be positive that everything is clean. For all you know, the factory that those utensils were made at is crawling with rats and they used the plastic fork boxes as a bathroom. You weren't there, you don't know.

The exact same situation can be applied to straws. Some people won't drink from cans because there might be mouse poop on the tops. How do you know there wasn't a straw accident where hundreds of straws were dropped all over the ground and then people just picked them up and put them in boxes anyways? Employees at Straws Inc. don't give a dingle whether your straws are clean or not, they just want to fix their problem as quickly as possible. And what if the dude who closes all the straw boxes had a runny nose or sneezed or something and got your straws all mucousy? You don't know.

What about in your own house? Is your table clean? I mean, I guess you can clean it and then you'll know it's clean... But is it REALLY clean? You can't see germs. How do you know they're not there? You probably missed only one germ, and it was the one that will kill you. Or something. I know it's not likely at all, but HOW DO YOU KNOW? Is that scary?

I think about my own house. My dog always sets his chin on the table because he thinks it makes him look cute so we'll give him food. But wait... Did he just go outside and munch on a rotting squirrel carcass? Did he just sniff a little too closely to a pile of coyote excrement? I DON'T KNOW. And even worse is that he sleeps in my bed.

The thing is, all you have to do is touch one unclean surface and then touch a clean surface with the same hand/elbow/wrist/forehead and boom, the clean surface is now unclean. Where am I going with this? Stop thinking about germs so much. It's pointless. But you should probably still wash your hands and shower. Use hand sanitizer and cough into your elbow crease, not onto your hands. There are obviously things we can do to prevent spreading more germs, but there is no way to prevent all germs, so why do we think about things like that so much and why do idiot radio hosts think it's a good idea to point out stupid things like this?

Standing In Lines

I was thinking about this at the airport a few weeks ago:




Think about how well-trained humans are. Like, we don't have to stand in lines, but here we are, standing in lines. I could just kick the lady in front of me and get my coffee first, but I don't because that's rude, for some reason. It's no longer "fend for yourself," it's "first come, first serve." If our ancestors had lived with that philosophy, we wouldn't even be here. "No, you were here first, you kill the buffalo and take it back to your tribe. I'll wait for the next one." "Oh, you people lived here first? Okay, I'll build my new civilization somewhere else. Thanks for your time, sorry to disturb you. Thanks for teaching us how to make popcorn." (That popcorn thing with Native Americans and Europeans is a lie, it's believed that popcorn was invented in Peru. Fact that you can share next time you're at the movie theatre and you want the cashier to hate you.) I'm not saying I'm against taking turns. I actually enjoy it, especially in situations where I'm first in line. I'm just saying it's so against our nature in some ways, which is why we get so testy once we've been in a line for a while, I assume.

It's just like lines on a road. (It's not really JUST like it.  It's actually a bit of a weird connection but just go with it, okay?) A road line is just paint spilled strategically on asphalt. But we listen to them. And more than that, we trust them, like they're protecting us. Like the person on the other side of the road can't possibly just decide to steer into oncoming traffic because da da da da da da! Solid line to the rescue! NO! It's not like if you go to cross a road line you just smash into an invisible trampoline and pop back to where you're supposed to be. If I want to swerve all over the road, is a line going to stop me? NO! I mean, the police might, but a line can't do anything. It's a line on the ground! I really don't think I have to point that out. But for some reason, we listen to the line, and we trust that other people are going to obey the line too.


Okay, I might have gotten off topic. Standing in lines! I mean, it's so weird that we just automatically do it. Like, since Kindergarten, we've been lining up for stuff. I think 38% of our lives are spent in lines. Fact, maybe.


Let's think about cows. Cows take turns. Wait, do they? Maybe that's just in cartoons. I don't really pay a lot of attention to what cows do. Cats don't take turns. Cats are smart predators who follow their own rules. Cows are dumb animals who are herded and treated like crap and then chopped into food. Does standing in lines makes us dumb like cows? Or smart because we've socialized ourselves and created a more efficient system? Or are we all wasting time standing in lines? Could our lives be more efficient if we ignored queues? Or would we live a lonely life because everyone would hate us for skipping the lines? Have you ever thought about lines this much? Are you even reading anymore?




What about lines on lines on lines? Like, you stand in line to get into a concert, and then you stand in line for coat check, and then you stand in line for beer, and then you stand in line at the merch table, and then you stand in line for beer, and then you stand in line for the bathroom, and then you stand in line for beer, and then disorganized chaos of the pit happens, and then you stand in line for the bathroom, and then you stand in line to get your coat, and then you all push crazily out the door and run to your cars, and then you sit in line to get out of the parking lot. And then the whole driving and staying in the line thing happens. We shouldn't call it "going to a concert," we should call it, "going to the queues." Because that's what most of it is.




Well, hopefully you're standing in a line at this exact moment, reading this and contemplating your life and how many hours you've spent wasting it in line-ups. Or maybe you're thinking that it has improved the human race and proved that we are civilized. Or maybe you're eyeing the guy in front of you and judging whether or not you can take him if he gets mad after you cut in front of him. Or maybe something else. I don't know your life.