If you're a human being, which I assume you are, there are certain bodily things that you cannot avoid. These bodily things often bring us to the most terrifying place known to the world. I'm talking about public restrooms. We could go on and on about what makes a public bathroom so scary, but I've narrowed it down to a list of the top 5 scariest things (according to me) about public bathrooms. (I'm talking specifically about the women's bathroom. I do not know what happens in the men's and I do not care to.)
5. That lady who you watch leave the stall and walk directly out the door without even pretending to wash her hands. Thank you, Lady, for wiping your genital germs all over the door handle and subsequently all over everything in the mall/all the plates in the buffet/all the play place balls at McDonalds.
4. The giant group of girls who are all checking their hair and make-up and I just want to wash my hands and get back to the giant plate of nachos that I didn't plan on sharing with anyone but now my friends are probably feasting on them, excuse me please! This was always the worst between classes in high school when girls would go to reapply their make-up after every class. Actually, when I think about it I'm not sure if it was the same girls doing this every break or if it was just that half the girls in my high school looked exactly the same. Regardless, this is intimidating for me since I often go to the washroom alone in order to avoid inconveniencing my friends or whoever despite the golden rule of girlhood which states one must always go to the bathroom in a group.
3. Everything is always wet. I don't really think I need to explain why this is disturbing, so all I will do is pose this one simple yet baffling and disturbing question: What exactly IS this liquid that is covering EVERYTHING?
2. Running out of TP. This is always the worst. And jeepers, what if you broke female tradition and went to the bathroom by yourself? And so you have to ask a stranger beside you for some and she's probably been sitting in that stall all day waiting for someone to ask her for TP because that's how she chooses her next murder victim. TP tip courtesy of my mother: When in a TP pickle, just use the TP roll itself. (It should be noted that this is a solution that only works when peeing. If other functions have occurred, you're, forgive me, SOL.)
1. Making eye contact with someone through the crack in the stall. This is by far my worst fear. I have a recurring nightmare where I have to use a public bathroom and there's no door on the stall or there's no stall at all. (This is a true story. I have it ALL the time.) And think about this: How often do you look up when you're using a public bathroom? Never. Someone could be standing on the toilet in the next stall and watching you. I'm just saying, there are some creepy people out there. And let's not overlook those pesky little brats crawling around on the ground and looking under stalls. Has this ever happened to you? It happened to me sometime during my pubescent years and I don't think I ever recovered from it. But back to the crack thing (that's a joke that cannot be avoided in this case.) I know most people don't mean to do it, but sometimes your eyes get a little bit out of control and you accidentally peek. I can't be the only person who this has accidentally happened to (Please tell me I'm not the only person this has accidentally happened to.) So, regardless of what side of the stall door you're on, that crack in the stall door is a dangerous thing.
You may have noticed that I left out the thing that most people are most afraid of. You all know what I'm referring 2. But I was trying not 2 get 2 graphic and it generally goes without saying, so I left it out. 2. (<---- Did you figure it out yet?)
So now, please forward this to your friend who just dragged you to the bathroom with her even though you didn't have to go in hopes that she'll hurry the hell up so you can get out of this wretched place. And remember, wash your damn hands!
Wednesday, 26 December 2012
Thursday, 20 December 2012
Stuff You're Going To Need After The Apocalypse
People are always so concerned about surviving the apocalypse. But anyone who knows anything about the end of the world knows that survival mostly involves luck and being in the right place at the right time. People always forget that once they survive the horrors of whatever apocalypse claims Earth first, they're going to be stuck in a chaotic, unorganized and unpredictable society. So, here's a list of stuff you should be hoarding (in a safe place where it won't be destroyed!) in order to survive AFTER the apocalypse. Some of it is obvious, but it's often the obvious things that you overlook.
Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.
Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.
Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.
Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.
Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.
Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.
Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.
Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.
Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?
Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.
Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.
Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.
Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.
Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?
Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)
Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.
For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.
Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)
Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.
Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.
Miscellaneous
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.
Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.
Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.
Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.
Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.
Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.
Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.
Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.
Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.
Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours
A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.
Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.
And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.
Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.
Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)
Weapons
Shot Gun - I'm not a believer in owning guns, but you know you're gonna need it if zombies turn up. And please store ammo too, or else you're going to look pretty dumb.
Sword - If you've been watching the new television program Revolution, then you're aware that everyone is having sweet sword fights after the power goes out forever. Swords don't need ammo. I think it should be noted that it will be useful for you to actually learn how to handle a sword before the end.
Dog - Your furry friend can and should be trained to be a reliable post-apolcalypse tool. He/she can be used to fight your enemies but also to help find food and for cuddling at night. Unfortunately, cats will not be useful in the same way dogs will be. For one, humans will only hinder a cat's survival. For another, it was probably cats who caused the apocalypse so they're all going to be gathering in their secret volcano lair and laughing and laughing and laughing. Note: Don't keep the dog IN the survival kit that you have most likely buried underground for protection.
Health
First Aid Kits - Is this beyond obvious? Yes. But it needed to be said. I'm not a medical professional, so I'm not going to tell you exactly what should be in your first aid kit. Please bring that question to your doctor next time you're in for a check up. Make sure to specify that you may need some medical supplies to deal with strange diseases, nuclear fallout, zombie bites, killer ants, bipedal cats or possibly even Bieber fever.
Pain Killers - You're probably going to hurt yourself a few times during or after the initial chaos. So maybe you want your bruises to be a little less painful. But if you can avoid being a little wimp and save these up, you might be able to use them as a form of currency when you come across less manly and awesome people than yourself.
Antibiotics - In case your doctor failed to point out to you that there will probably be no hospitals after aliens destroy half the planet, so one little infected hangnail and you could die.
Saw - You're possibly going to need to chop off your brother's arm because he got bitten by a contaminated something rather and is going to shrivel up into a shell of his former self unless you get the poison out immediately. Also, wood for fires.
Coats/Boots/Hats/Socks - Because it is very possible that all of your other belongings have been destroyed in the nuclear bombing/, it is very important that you keep these things in your super safe, underground, reinforced hiding place.
Plant Identification Book - So you don't eat anything poisonous, obviously. And maybe take a look at it beforehand and see how good you are at identifying stuff. We don't want any Into The Wild situations, right?
Toe Nail Clippers - Something that crosses my mind all the time when I'm watching movies and shows where people are trying to survive out in the wilderness is, "Oh my goodness, their toe nails must be long and uncomfortable. How are they running right now?" So, avoid this problem by sticking some clippers in your kit.
Filled Canteen - It might be difficult to find water at first, so it would be good to store some so it will be there immediately. And of course the canteen can be refilled if and when you locate a safe water source. Hopefully the apocalypse was not the result of a water-born disease that turns you into a Gill-Man look-a-like and the corresponding chaos that a bunch of creatures from the black lagoon would cause.
Brita Pitcher - We developed water purifying technology. You're not gonna not use it.
Trail Mix And Other Unparishables - A can of beans could go a long way when you're starving after 36 straight hours of dodging meteors.
Seeds - Once you've established a community, you're going to want to have constant access to food. Planting your own is a great idea, don't you think?
Sperm and Eggs - In the event that aliens come down and zap all of our genitals or we all become infected by a disease that prevents reproduction or men all grow tentacles and women don't want to touch them anymore, we're going to need some way to keep the human race going. And all the hospitals and sperm banks probably haven't placed these goods in indestructible places so the sperm and eggs that you keep in your kit are our only hope. (I've been trying to get Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone to donate to the cause but they won't return my tweets.)
Shelter
Sleeping Bag - Preferably a really good, insulated one. I was going to include a full tent in my list, but I thought a tent would be too big and really all it does is make you unable to see people approaching you to kill you and steal all the amazing things that you were smart enough to store for yourself ahead of time. And besides, you can hang a sleeping bag in a tree and it can be a roof for you, if that's what you're concerned about.
For Trading
Alcohol - Not only can booze clean out wounds, but this is going to be extremely useful as currency once society starts getting back together. Just try not to succumb to alcoholism or you'll be the crazy person trading someone else your boots in return for a shot of whiskey.
Lighter Fluid - Okay, you might want this to make campfires and burn down militia camps and stuff, but post-apocalypse, my suggestion is to use the least amount of it as possible. Because other people are going to want it. And you're going to want things from other people. (This is the concept behind trading, people!)
Batteries - There's going to be some crazy, violent warlord out there who just wants to listen to Matchbox Twenty on his walkman. Give him these batteries and you will be allowed to live, probably.
Light Bulbs - If electricity is still a thing, these could definitely be a hot item that people want. Of course, since you're not afraid of the dark, you don't need these and you can trade them for a Sno Ball.
Miscellaneous
Twinkies - I assume everyone has been buying as many Twinkies as they can in response to the death of Hostess, so this shouldn't be too tough. Did you see Zombieland? You're gonna suddenly want a Twinkie and you're gonna get yourself into all sorts of inconvenient situations trying to get one. Also, it's possible that they're going to be good for making shelters with.
Soap - Yeah, this might not be useful immediately after the world meets it's fiery collapse, but once the dust settles, you're going to miss a good shower. It's the little things.
Books - Anarchy will probably be all the rage after the world goes to crap, so it is important that you keep a piece of literature that is important to you because all the other books are going to be set on fire. Literacy is going to be forgotten in the years after the apocalypse (probably) but it is important that you pass it on so that eventually we can have a civilized society again. Personally, I've stored Bossypants by Tina Fey because it's funny and because if this book is found and treated like the Post-Apocalypse Bible, lame and awkward chicks like me are going to be revered and protected.
Can Opener - If anyone has seen or read The Pianist, then you're familiar with what is possibly the most disappointing and heartbreaking scene ever. This starving man finally finds a can of food in one of the crumbling buildings of the Warsaw ghetto. But he has no way to open it. Don't let this happen to you. You're going to need all the help you can get finding food.
Rope - This has an unbelievable number of uses. Tie your food into a tree. Help make a shelter. Tie up possible enemy spies. Retrieve someone who fell into a large crevice. And of course if things in the aftermath are just too unbearable to you... actually we aren't going to venture down that dark path.
Knife - Like I should even need to tell you what this is for. But I will. Skin your prey, stab your enemies, whittle sticks when you're bored at night. I suppose you can even use your knife as a method of taking drugs, however I wouldn't suggest self-handicapping yourself by being high all the time.
Needle and Thread - I know it's the end of the world so fashion is probably not a big concern, but if there's a huge rip in your pants and you're trying to run away from giant mutant squirrels or there's a really strong breeze, you're going to want to be able to sew that up. Also, this could be used to give someone stitches if you know what you're doing. Or if you don't know what you're doing. Seriously, it's the end of the world, you've got very little to lose.
Cards - I'm just saying, if you find a decent shelter and food and stuff, you're going to be pretty darn bored, so you'll probably be playing a lot of Crazy 8s.
Camouflage Makeup - If you're going to be a kamikaze, you're gonna need to be able to hide. And I mean, it's possible that you'll be able to live in a somewhat civilized world, but you never know. You might have to run from the unjust law. You might have to fight the law. And also you probably look pretty sick with all that make-up on. Also, you can use this to make yourself look like a zombie. If you fit in, perhaps they'll let you roll with their gang and they'll leave your brain alone.
Useful Skills
Lock picking
Sword fighting
Trap laying
Animal skinning
Gun shooting
Fire making
Plant identifying
Shelter building
Lie telling
Face reading
Weapon making
Knot tying
Morse coding
Running away and leaving the slow people for slaughtering
Hiding for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours and hours
A Few More Tips
Now, in the event that you end up completely alone after the apocalypse, it's probably going to be impossible for you to carry all of these things because unfortunately not all of us have the capability to enchant a bag so that there is unlimited room inside of it like Hermione did. So choose what you take carefully. This is what all those tough decisions about which weapons to use and which magical item to take in all of your favourite video games has been preparing you for.
Hopefully, however, you are able to stay in contact with your slightly psychopathic friend who you're currently only keeping around to protect you in the event of an apocalypse.
And I hope that you've thought about the possibility of an apocalyptic event happening at any time and decided to always be wearing comfortable and durable footwear. No more heels, ladies. There's no way you're going to be able to escape invading aliens in heels.
Also, it's possible that your home is still intact and you can just live there with all your stuff. Good for you! But now you'll have to build a wall around your home and set lots of traps and stuff to keep crazy psycho people from coming on your property. So you might want to store a lot of cement and barbed wire in your basement.
Finally, since the apocalypse could occur at any time, you may be caught far away from your excellent stash of post-apocalypse surviving goodies. Therefore, making a mini kit that you carry around at all times could prove to be very beneficial. Maybe include a knife, some rope, toe nail clippers, a can of tuna, batteries and one of those tiny bottles of rum (this is for yourself because it's going to be stressful thinking about all the things you stockpiled that you aren't able to get to.)
Thursday, 29 November 2012
s(NO)w
No one likes the cold. Argue all you want, Northern people (myself included I guess.) But I know that you're only saying you love the cold and the snow so that the rest of the world can't tell you that you're a complete idiot for choosing to live in cold places. Yes, I live in Canada. I was born here, so this isn't my fault (Hey, did you know not all of Canada gets tons of snow?!?) Okay, YES, I moved to stupid Ottawa where it's freezing and snows like crazy. That is my fault. But I will happily admit to you that snow is the devil's confetti and I HATE it.
Okay, so there are some good things about snow. Including (and limited to) snow forts, snowmen, snow globes and being able to follow the trail of the polar bear that stole your baby. Oh! And when you're thirsty at recess a nice handful of snow is super refreshing (note: at this time in human's pollution of the earth, this may result in superpowers or death.)
So, there are the good things. Now it's time for the bad. Here are a some reasons (not all the reasons) that snow sucks.
- Driving. Going 40 in a 100? Not my favourite thing. Having to guess if you're in the correct lane or not? Even farther from my favourite thing. Car chases in the snow? Google Canadian Police Chase.
- Digging your car out of the driveway. People are going to say "Oh, I have a garage, you're an idiot for not having a garage." Shut up.
- Wet feet. Snow melts, you guys. It melts and becomes water. Snow gets in your boots (or shoes because I try to avoid boots. Okay, I see where this one is partially my fault.) Snow melts in your boots and then it takes approximately 48 hours for your feet to be not freezing. And that's only if you don't have to go outside again in that time.
- Running away from enemies. Running through deep snow is very difficult. And try hiding from someone when they can follow your tracks exactly. Yeah, that's what I thought.
- Dropping money. ~$2,367,832.23 CDN is lost annually in the snow.
- Danger from above. Snow falling off branches, ledges, windowsills. And avalanches, duh.
- It's GODDAMN COLD.
And et cetera. Let me repeat: No one ACTUALLY likes the cold. No one wants their face to be so numb that they can't even feel the snot running down their chins. No one wants their fingers to turn black and fall off. And no one wants to see their backyard covered in disgusting sparkly white stuff while they sit toasty and warm with a cup of hot chocolate by the fire. NO ONE. If you say you like it, you are a liar. (Pants on FIRE. The opposite of snow. There's a joke here somewhere. Let me know if you find it.)
And STOP WRITING IT'S SNOWING STATI. God, Facebook ruins everything.
In conclusion, there's SNOW way I will ever like winter. You can sCOLD me all you want for being so grumpy about it. But it isn't nICE. (Note: I should be PUNished because those were the worst jokes that have ever been written.)
Okay, so there are some good things about snow. Including (and limited to) snow forts, snowmen, snow globes and being able to follow the trail of the polar bear that stole your baby. Oh! And when you're thirsty at recess a nice handful of snow is super refreshing (note: at this time in human's pollution of the earth, this may result in superpowers or death.)
So, there are the good things. Now it's time for the bad. Here are a some reasons (not all the reasons) that snow sucks.
- Driving. Going 40 in a 100? Not my favourite thing. Having to guess if you're in the correct lane or not? Even farther from my favourite thing. Car chases in the snow? Google Canadian Police Chase.
- Digging your car out of the driveway. People are going to say "Oh, I have a garage, you're an idiot for not having a garage." Shut up.
- Wet feet. Snow melts, you guys. It melts and becomes water. Snow gets in your boots (or shoes because I try to avoid boots. Okay, I see where this one is partially my fault.) Snow melts in your boots and then it takes approximately 48 hours for your feet to be not freezing. And that's only if you don't have to go outside again in that time.
- Running away from enemies. Running through deep snow is very difficult. And try hiding from someone when they can follow your tracks exactly. Yeah, that's what I thought.
- Dropping money. ~$2,367,832.23 CDN is lost annually in the snow.
- Danger from above. Snow falling off branches, ledges, windowsills. And avalanches, duh.
- It's GODDAMN COLD.
And et cetera. Let me repeat: No one ACTUALLY likes the cold. No one wants their face to be so numb that they can't even feel the snot running down their chins. No one wants their fingers to turn black and fall off. And no one wants to see their backyard covered in disgusting sparkly white stuff while they sit toasty and warm with a cup of hot chocolate by the fire. NO ONE. If you say you like it, you are a liar. (Pants on FIRE. The opposite of snow. There's a joke here somewhere. Let me know if you find it.)
And STOP WRITING IT'S SNOWING STATI. God, Facebook ruins everything.
In conclusion, there's SNOW way I will ever like winter. You can sCOLD me all you want for being so grumpy about it. But it isn't nICE. (Note: I should be PUNished because those were the worst jokes that have ever been written.)
Friday, 23 November 2012
University, Children's Cartoons, and Other Things
I have a story for you.
So the other night I'm reliving my childhood by watching clips from the beloved children's film (if you can even call it a children's film because holy goodness, it's intense. Epic battle scene, much?!), The Land Before Time.
Completely-off topic-you-can-skip-over-this-if-you-want-Note: Does anyone in the world really know what the rules are with parenthesis and other punctuation? Does anyone even care? Are brackets even relevant anymore outside of BEDMAS? Just a thought. Googling it later. Anyways...
So I'm watching TLBT and loving my life when suddenly it occurs to me, "Holy fucoxanthin, these dinos are racist!" Yes, yes, it is true. Examples:
Cera: Threehorns never play with longnecks. They only talk to other threehorns and they only travel with other threehorns.
(And at one point she calls Littlefoot's dead mom a "stupid longneck." Like, for realsies.)
Also...
Ducky: Hello. I said hello! What is your name? Maybe you cannot talk yet, huh?
Littlefoot: Don't you know anything? Longnecks don't talk to, whatever you are.
So anyways, you get the point. And by the end of the movie everyone loves each other and species doesn't matter anymore and everything is great. So I'm feeling all warm and happy and then I think, "Wow, this would be great for an essay about race relations or anti-racism!" And THEN I think, "Holy $&%@! I hate university." Because? Because it's ruining perfectly enjoyable entertainment and making me find themes and deeper meaning. I don't want to think about themes and meanings behind my favourite childhood films. I just want to laugh at the silly farcical comedy (FARCICAL?! See, it's happening again) and giggle at the more adult jokes that I didn't get when I was little. (Another side note, a bit more relevant - 13 movies later and Littlefoot and the gang still aren't grown up... Which is probably a good thing for him because what giant dinosaur wants a name like Littlefoot?)
So now I'm thinking about all my favourite childhood stories and they're all being ruined! I hate learning life lessons! And I hate thinking when I don't want to think. My brain doesn't shut up half the time. It's why I watch kids movies. They're so simple.
You know what was a good movie? The Swan Princess. And was it about accepting people even if they're different and love is blind and bestiality isn't really a big deal? NO! It was about nothing. It was just a good story. So shut up, brain.
For the record, I'm not talking about shows like Caillou and Veggie Tales that are clearly trying to teach us about sharing and not calling out the dumb kids in class for being dumb. I'm not talking about the clear societal morals that we're always trying to teach our children so they don't grow up to be major brats with babies at 16 (Wait a second, did teaching kids these lessons through television and media fail? Did they all become a little too friendly and curious because Spongebob is just a little too friendly and curious? That would be a great essay...) And for the record again, I hated both of those shows. (Caillou and the talking vegetables.) Jeepers, Caillou, listen to you parents and clean up your mess already, okay? Stop being a brat. And it was on PBS. PBS is the worst thing in the world. Except for the show Zoom. I will not argue about this any further.
I learned all my important life lessons from reading Berenstain Bears books. They were the greatest. And look, I'm basically perfect now. (*cough*)
Okay, I've gotten off topic just a bit. I hope you haven't nodded off. Let's make an awkward commute into the point that I know gets brought up by every bored English student while we're reading To Kill A Mockingbird and Huck Finn:
"What if the author just wrote that and had no intentions of providing us with commentary on racism." This statement can clearly be applied to every other book that we study and CLEARLY it does not always have to involve racism. (Whenever I'm writing things on the internet I feel as if I have to spell everything all out for everyone. I have no idea why...)
What if all of these amazing, breakthrough tales read and written about over and over again are just that? Just tales, meant to entertain. That's what storytelling is, isn't it? When my cousin used to make up stories for us when we were kids, she wasn't trying to teach us life lessons. We just thought that a bear who had gas and fell down hills a lot was hilarious. And guess what? It is. It is hilarious. And things like that will never stop being hilarious.
Unless the author comes back from the dead and says, "I'm talking about Racism, you fools!" then I don't quite buy some of the stuff people say about some literature.
So, university, STOP making me unconsciously look for themes and values in everything I watch and read. There's a time and place for deep thinking and for coming up with ideas. That time is not when I'm watching one of my favourite childhood films. UNLESS I actually need to write that essay someday, in which case, thank you for giving me such insight.
I don't think I've said a single insightful thing at all in this babbling. What does it all mean? What's the meaning of life? Who cares? We're going to die and find out eventually. Sometimes you have to take a step back from the problems and the pressures of society and just watch a freaking cartoon rabbit trick a cartoon duck into running off a cliff. And it's funny. And we laugh. And we don't know why. And we don't care why. And that's the truth.
The end.
So the other night I'm reliving my childhood by watching clips from the beloved children's film (if you can even call it a children's film because holy goodness, it's intense. Epic battle scene, much?!), The Land Before Time.
Completely-off topic-you-can-skip-over-this-if-you-want-Note: Does anyone in the world really know what the rules are with parenthesis and other punctuation? Does anyone even care? Are brackets even relevant anymore outside of BEDMAS? Just a thought. Googling it later. Anyways...
So I'm watching TLBT and loving my life when suddenly it occurs to me, "Holy fucoxanthin, these dinos are racist!" Yes, yes, it is true. Examples:
Cera: Threehorns never play with longnecks. They only talk to other threehorns and they only travel with other threehorns.
(And at one point she calls Littlefoot's dead mom a "stupid longneck." Like, for realsies.)
Also...
Ducky: Hello. I said hello! What is your name? Maybe you cannot talk yet, huh?
Littlefoot: Don't you know anything? Longnecks don't talk to, whatever you are.
So anyways, you get the point. And by the end of the movie everyone loves each other and species doesn't matter anymore and everything is great. So I'm feeling all warm and happy and then I think, "Wow, this would be great for an essay about race relations or anti-racism!" And THEN I think, "Holy $&%@! I hate university." Because? Because it's ruining perfectly enjoyable entertainment and making me find themes and deeper meaning. I don't want to think about themes and meanings behind my favourite childhood films. I just want to laugh at the silly farcical comedy (FARCICAL?! See, it's happening again) and giggle at the more adult jokes that I didn't get when I was little. (Another side note, a bit more relevant - 13 movies later and Littlefoot and the gang still aren't grown up... Which is probably a good thing for him because what giant dinosaur wants a name like Littlefoot?)
So now I'm thinking about all my favourite childhood stories and they're all being ruined! I hate learning life lessons! And I hate thinking when I don't want to think. My brain doesn't shut up half the time. It's why I watch kids movies. They're so simple.
You know what was a good movie? The Swan Princess. And was it about accepting people even if they're different and love is blind and bestiality isn't really a big deal? NO! It was about nothing. It was just a good story. So shut up, brain.
For the record, I'm not talking about shows like Caillou and Veggie Tales that are clearly trying to teach us about sharing and not calling out the dumb kids in class for being dumb. I'm not talking about the clear societal morals that we're always trying to teach our children so they don't grow up to be major brats with babies at 16 (Wait a second, did teaching kids these lessons through television and media fail? Did they all become a little too friendly and curious because Spongebob is just a little too friendly and curious? That would be a great essay...) And for the record again, I hated both of those shows. (Caillou and the talking vegetables.) Jeepers, Caillou, listen to you parents and clean up your mess already, okay? Stop being a brat. And it was on PBS. PBS is the worst thing in the world. Except for the show Zoom. I will not argue about this any further.
I learned all my important life lessons from reading Berenstain Bears books. They were the greatest. And look, I'm basically perfect now. (*cough*)
Okay, I've gotten off topic just a bit. I hope you haven't nodded off. Let's make an awkward commute into the point that I know gets brought up by every bored English student while we're reading To Kill A Mockingbird and Huck Finn:
"What if the author just wrote that and had no intentions of providing us with commentary on racism." This statement can clearly be applied to every other book that we study and CLEARLY it does not always have to involve racism. (Whenever I'm writing things on the internet I feel as if I have to spell everything all out for everyone. I have no idea why...)
What if all of these amazing, breakthrough tales read and written about over and over again are just that? Just tales, meant to entertain. That's what storytelling is, isn't it? When my cousin used to make up stories for us when we were kids, she wasn't trying to teach us life lessons. We just thought that a bear who had gas and fell down hills a lot was hilarious. And guess what? It is. It is hilarious. And things like that will never stop being hilarious.
Unless the author comes back from the dead and says, "I'm talking about Racism, you fools!" then I don't quite buy some of the stuff people say about some literature.
So, university, STOP making me unconsciously look for themes and values in everything I watch and read. There's a time and place for deep thinking and for coming up with ideas. That time is not when I'm watching one of my favourite childhood films. UNLESS I actually need to write that essay someday, in which case, thank you for giving me such insight.
I don't think I've said a single insightful thing at all in this babbling. What does it all mean? What's the meaning of life? Who cares? We're going to die and find out eventually. Sometimes you have to take a step back from the problems and the pressures of society and just watch a freaking cartoon rabbit trick a cartoon duck into running off a cliff. And it's funny. And we laugh. And we don't know why. And we don't care why. And that's the truth.
The end.
Monday, 19 November 2012
Making Books Useful
So if you're like me and my family, you probably have shelves full of these really irritating dust collectors called "books." Like seriously, just Wiki the plot summary and get those damn things out of there. Your lungs will thank you.
The internet has summarized and scrutinized all the information that books can offer, so why bother risking a paper cut, right?
And besides, there are so many other things that books can do. (More useful things, at that.) Think about it:
"It's cold out, Mama. We have no wood." "Well, paper burns real nice. Here, Kathy Reichs has written enough fire fuel to last us all night."
"One table leg is shorter than the others!" "How much shorter?" "It's a difference of about one Great Gatsby, I'd say." "Well stick it under there, then!"
"It's Christmas eve, the presents aren't wrapped and the wrapping paper closet is filled with nothing but bare cardboard tubes. But Michael Martchenko did a hell of a job illustrating those silly Munsch books. Use those pages as wrapping!"
"The kid can't reach the sink to wash his hands." "Pile up those hardcover King books. Desperation weighs about as much as the kid does anyway."
"I always keep a hardcover copy of Jane Eyre in my purse." "Oh, well that's not exactly light reading." "No, and it's not exactly a light tap on the head when a fella gets a little too friendly either."
See? And this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to making books a little more useful around the house. Now I don't mean to get ahead of myself, but you're welcome. Sitting indoors with a book is no place for a child in this society. They're all overweight and pasty and 3400 pages of Harry Potter nonsense isn't going to fix that. So prop up your tables and warm your feet. And make a little more space on the mantle for family photos and the coyote your kid shot in the backyard.
The Bible? There's a cute website that acts out the holy book with little lego guys.
There's no place for books anymore. They're too slow. They're too bulky. And you can't keep up with the Kardashians AND read their biographies too.
Thursday, 8 November 2012
Paranoid: Things I'm Constantly Worried Will Kill Me The Final Part
I know I said the last one was the last one but let's face it, I find new things to be scared of every day. So, similarly to the Final Destination films which have fuelled so many of my irrational fears, Paranoid is back, even after I promised it was finished.
16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.
17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.
18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.
19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.
20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.
Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.
16. Shaving. Yep, I'm just gonna run this sharp tool over major arteries and stuff while in the slippery shower. That's not dangerous at all. Oh, and let me add some shaving cream because THAT's not going to make it any more slippy in here.
17. Living BELOW someone else. I already talked about living upstairs and the possibility of falling through the floor to my death, and for the most part that has been my main concern. But it dawned on me that if I can fall through the floor, so can the person above me. And so I stare at my ceiling at night, just waiting for the day that the dude upstairs decides to jump on his bed and rip on his air guitar while jamming to his sick tunes and SMASH! I'm squished.
18. The microwave. I don't fully trust anything that can cook food so quickly. And I can't fully trust myself to not put something stupid in there. Either it's going to explode or it's going to catch fire and burn the house to the ground, I know it.
19. Manholes. Um, no, I will not walk over that door in the ground. I don't know if it's sturdy. And I also don't know whether or not a murderer is going to pop out of it after I go by.
20. Walking in the woods and falling into a covered hole filled with sharpened sticks. Hey, it happens in movies all the time. And we all know how serial killers like to imitate things that happen on TV. And it's not like I take tons of nature walks, but this could happen in any old field or back yard.
Have you read the others? No!? Check them out here.
Friday, 2 November 2012
Don't Eat Plants
Plants provide our world with nothing but beauty. Gorgeous forests, stunning fields of flowers, gardens that take your breath away. But humans come along, all high and mighty, and pluck these plants out of the ground like they're nothing.
It's like if elephants developed some kind of super powers and became invincible (probably after a nuclear war) then decided they would start eating humans. They could just come along and snatch you out of your car and there would be nothing you could do about it. That's what it's like when humans eat plants.
And VEGETARIANS!? They have the nerve of eating only plants. The weakest of all species on Earth and these monsters prey specifically on them. And they'll argue that they just take the fruit. That the plant will be okay. But that apple is the plant's OVARY. Yeah. What if a giant came along and plucked your ovaries out? Doesn't seem so harmless now, does it? I don't even know how vegetarians can live with themselves. They prey on the weakest of living things. They're the cruelest of humans.
"But plants don't feel anything!" Umm.. did a plant tell you that it can't feel anything? No!
Animals? Animals are pests. Animals root through our garbage and destroy our yards. They steal our babies and defecate on our cars. Plants have never done a bad thing. Except for what, grow through cracks in your sidewalk? Fallen over on your house because ANIMALS have damaged its physical stability?
If we really are a higher species, if we really are a progressive and caring race, we would do something about this issue. Have a heart. Join me. Join in the fight to protect our plant friends. Don't eat plants.
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