In case you haven't checked your Facebook yet, the first thing you should know is, it's freaking hot out today. Here are my five ideas for keeping cool on a day like today when you don't have access to A/C.
1. Aim about seven fans at yourself from different angles. This classic manoeuvre was developed in 1962 by some dudes who had broken bones and couldn't go swimming because of their casts, or something, probably.
2. Sit in the big freezer in your basement for a bit. Just move the frozen body parts out of the way and you have a nice, cool (however terribly wasteful) place to hang out. Also, you found some frozen chicken fingers that you can have for dinner tonight!
3. Move to Nunavut. This wouldn't be a waste of your time at all, and you'll never have to deal with the blistering heat again.
4. Find some radioactive waste and hopefully grow gills so you can live underwater. If you happen to get laserbeam eyes instead of gills, use them to break into a giant freezer at DQ and enjoy your day in the cold, eating frozen treats.
5. GET A/C!
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Thursday, 14 June 2012
Cosmetics are the Biggest Waste EVER.
I have no idea who reads this and who doesn't, but the important thing to know before we start off this rant is that I wear zero makeup. Nothing. The only exception to this is grade 8 grad and prom. Oh, and a few unfortunate acne days where coverup was necessary for me to function. Wait! Stop right there. That's the perfect sentence to sum up the problem with cosmetics. They're necessary for some people to function. But why?
Makeup (and other junk in the makeup family) is the most wasteful product there is (this is my opinion so it's obviously right.) At least plastic bags carry stuff and can be used again (Side note - Toronto is attempting to ban plastic bags. What are they going to put in the little garbage cans in the bathroom then?) Same with bottles. They can be recycled, and at least they had a purpose to begin with. These are the products people are concerned about, but no one ever mentions makeup and how it's totally pointless. Hold it, ladies who want to argue with me, I haven't explained myself yet.
Makeup is virtually pointless. Okay, so you have bags under your eyes or maybe you emerged from the more unfortunate end of the gene pool but so what? Eventually, the people who you love (I'm talking about men, dummies) are going to see you without makeup, and they're going to have to deal with what you really look like. So why lie to them with makeup in the first place? (That's right, I said LIE.) I place makeup in the same category as the pushup bra. The LIE category.
"But if I don't wear makeup he's going to go for that hot looking chick who is wearing makeup." This is true. Maybe someday women will give up on makeup and this won't be an issue. But until then, yes, you may lose some conquests to that girl with the glittery eyelashes. But don't worry, because their relationship will be built on LIES and will end in a messy breakup, broken dishes and running mascara. (Did I just point out ANOTHER bonus of no makeup?)
Okay, but here's where we start with the real issues. Resources, duh! Think about the stuff that goes into making makeup, and don't even get me started on the packaging. Ugh, it's so frustrating how much stuff is wasted. And then think about all the stuff that you buy but you never use. And it's expensive (I assume, as I've never bought my own.)
This brings us to money. Did you know that the amount of money spent on cosmetics in one year (that would be about 7 billion dollars, I did the research for you) could be used to fund education for more than a billion African children? Now you feel like a total jerk, don't you? But let's bring it back and talk about something a little closer to home. How about those people who are on welfare, or with crappy jobs who complain that they don't have a lot of money. Well, excuse me, lady, but I don't give a flying fingernail file about your problem if you're wearing a ton of makeup (I'll make this same annoyed statement if I ever choose to write about lottery tickets.) Obviously you have enough money to pay for your glitter. (This is being too hypocritical, maybe, but leave me alone, I'm proving a point.)
Of course, you can apply everything I've said to home renovations and decorations, clothing and gardens and this blog too. It's about looking good and feeling good, right? I'm just saying, it's not that important, and if we all stopped bothering with it, then it wouldn't matter. People would be beautiful just the way they are and blah blah blah. And we would have billions of extra dollars kicking around and WAY less monkeys running around with shiny red lips and pink nails. Right? Right. I know this hasn't convinced any of you, but I had to get it out of my brain.
Alene
Makeup (and other junk in the makeup family) is the most wasteful product there is (this is my opinion so it's obviously right.) At least plastic bags carry stuff and can be used again (Side note - Toronto is attempting to ban plastic bags. What are they going to put in the little garbage cans in the bathroom then?) Same with bottles. They can be recycled, and at least they had a purpose to begin with. These are the products people are concerned about, but no one ever mentions makeup and how it's totally pointless. Hold it, ladies who want to argue with me, I haven't explained myself yet.
Makeup is virtually pointless. Okay, so you have bags under your eyes or maybe you emerged from the more unfortunate end of the gene pool but so what? Eventually, the people who you love (I'm talking about men, dummies) are going to see you without makeup, and they're going to have to deal with what you really look like. So why lie to them with makeup in the first place? (That's right, I said LIE.) I place makeup in the same category as the pushup bra. The LIE category.
"But if I don't wear makeup he's going to go for that hot looking chick who is wearing makeup." This is true. Maybe someday women will give up on makeup and this won't be an issue. But until then, yes, you may lose some conquests to that girl with the glittery eyelashes. But don't worry, because their relationship will be built on LIES and will end in a messy breakup, broken dishes and running mascara. (Did I just point out ANOTHER bonus of no makeup?)
Okay, but here's where we start with the real issues. Resources, duh! Think about the stuff that goes into making makeup, and don't even get me started on the packaging. Ugh, it's so frustrating how much stuff is wasted. And then think about all the stuff that you buy but you never use. And it's expensive (I assume, as I've never bought my own.)
This brings us to money. Did you know that the amount of money spent on cosmetics in one year (that would be about 7 billion dollars, I did the research for you) could be used to fund education for more than a billion African children? Now you feel like a total jerk, don't you? But let's bring it back and talk about something a little closer to home. How about those people who are on welfare, or with crappy jobs who complain that they don't have a lot of money. Well, excuse me, lady, but I don't give a flying fingernail file about your problem if you're wearing a ton of makeup (I'll make this same annoyed statement if I ever choose to write about lottery tickets.) Obviously you have enough money to pay for your glitter. (This is being too hypocritical, maybe, but leave me alone, I'm proving a point.)
Of course, you can apply everything I've said to home renovations and decorations, clothing and gardens and this blog too. It's about looking good and feeling good, right? I'm just saying, it's not that important, and if we all stopped bothering with it, then it wouldn't matter. People would be beautiful just the way they are and blah blah blah. And we would have billions of extra dollars kicking around and WAY less monkeys running around with shiny red lips and pink nails. Right? Right. I know this hasn't convinced any of you, but I had to get it out of my brain.
Alene
Tuesday, 12 June 2012
25 Things I Would Rather Talk About Than Who Slept With Who Last Weekend
This is for my peers who (this shouldn't come as a surprise) are totally obsessed with gossiping about hookups. I, for one, do not care at all, and here's a substantialish list of things I would rather talk about than who got drunk and did something (someone) stupid.
1. Some funny things your cat did last night.
2. A new recipe that you tried out that you think perhaps I may like to try as well.
3. Your favourite flower. (mine is a daisy and I can talk about them for a good ten minutes)
4. The hilarity of 30 Rock.
5. The probability of aliens taking over the world.
6. The probability that aliens have ALREADY taken over the world.
7. Various cheese types, because there's a lot of delicious possibilities.
8. The number of times you had to stop and tie your dumb shoe yesterday. (For me, it was eight)
9. Some wildlife you recently saw/came in contact with.
10. Your favourite summer colours. Tis the season.
11. Words that actually sound super funny if you really think about it. Like "ear." Keep saying it. I know, weird, right?
12. Action movies.
13. Your dog's favourite chew toy.
14. Mythology.
15. The fact that you're wearing uncomfortable underwear.
16. Weird fruits.
17. The economy.
18. Bath salts.
19. The most comfortable shoes ever in the whole wide world. (It's a constant mission in my life to locate these and make them mine.)
20. A step by step lesson on how to make balloon animals.
21. End of the world theories/Government conspiracies.
22. How freaking cool beavers are. They are!!
23. A fun childhood vacation memory.
24. The weather.
25. Me. Mememememememememememememememe. Me. Obviously.
1. Some funny things your cat did last night.
2. A new recipe that you tried out that you think perhaps I may like to try as well.
3. Your favourite flower. (mine is a daisy and I can talk about them for a good ten minutes)
4. The hilarity of 30 Rock.
5. The probability of aliens taking over the world.
6. The probability that aliens have ALREADY taken over the world.
7. Various cheese types, because there's a lot of delicious possibilities.
8. The number of times you had to stop and tie your dumb shoe yesterday. (For me, it was eight)
9. Some wildlife you recently saw/came in contact with.
10. Your favourite summer colours. Tis the season.
11. Words that actually sound super funny if you really think about it. Like "ear." Keep saying it. I know, weird, right?
12. Action movies.
13. Your dog's favourite chew toy.
14. Mythology.
15. The fact that you're wearing uncomfortable underwear.
16. Weird fruits.
17. The economy.
18. Bath salts.
19. The most comfortable shoes ever in the whole wide world. (It's a constant mission in my life to locate these and make them mine.)
20. A step by step lesson on how to make balloon animals.
21. End of the world theories/Government conspiracies.
22. How freaking cool beavers are. They are!!
23. A fun childhood vacation memory.
24. The weather.
25. Me. Mememememememememememememememe. Me. Obviously.
Monday, 4 June 2012
Everybody Wants To Be A Cat - Reasons I Should Get A Cat
My brothers and I are in the process of convincing our mother that we need a new cat, as our current feline is getting a bit old and a lot grouchy. So, here are the 10 best reasons I can think of for getting a cat.
1. The possibilities of hilarious shenanigans are endless. Oh look, the cat is eating the aloe vera plant. Cute! The cat just puked up aloe vera plant! And that's probably just the beginning of the craziness that a young, hip cat would bring to the house!
2. For some reason, once you've experienced cat hair in all of your food, there's just something a little off about food without cat hair. It just adds a special something, you know?
3. The ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiife! Reenacting the classic Lion King moment just isn't the same if you're using a dog or a stuffed animal or someone's kid.
4. Naps with cats. That furry little body is the best for cuddling. Experience a real cat nap.
5. Cat's powerful claws provide many important services such as vermin extermination and furniture remodelling.
6. Cats very rarely sniff butts like stuuuupid dogs.
7. Remember all your unused flashlights?! Cats provide hours of flashlight fun. Just point at the floor and be entertained. (Batteries not included.)
8. You're not not gonna make your cat dance on tables and play the drums to entertain your guests. Have all the BEST parties!
9. If you're like me, you HATE all the effort it takes to unroll the toilet paper every time. Cats are the ultimate time and energy savers. They'll unravel the toilet paper for you at the low low price of a scratch between the ears and a fresh fish.
10. Cats are basically little tigers, and that's pretty cool.
And feel free to mention any other reasons you can think of. Mother needs convincing!
1. The possibilities of hilarious shenanigans are endless. Oh look, the cat is eating the aloe vera plant. Cute! The cat just puked up aloe vera plant! And that's probably just the beginning of the craziness that a young, hip cat would bring to the house!
2. For some reason, once you've experienced cat hair in all of your food, there's just something a little off about food without cat hair. It just adds a special something, you know?
3. The ciiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiife! Reenacting the classic Lion King moment just isn't the same if you're using a dog or a stuffed animal or someone's kid.
4. Naps with cats. That furry little body is the best for cuddling. Experience a real cat nap.
5. Cat's powerful claws provide many important services such as vermin extermination and furniture remodelling.
6. Cats very rarely sniff butts like stuuuupid dogs.
7. Remember all your unused flashlights?! Cats provide hours of flashlight fun. Just point at the floor and be entertained. (Batteries not included.)
8. You're not not gonna make your cat dance on tables and play the drums to entertain your guests. Have all the BEST parties!
9. If you're like me, you HATE all the effort it takes to unroll the toilet paper every time. Cats are the ultimate time and energy savers. They'll unravel the toilet paper for you at the low low price of a scratch between the ears and a fresh fish.
10. Cats are basically little tigers, and that's pretty cool.
And feel free to mention any other reasons you can think of. Mother needs convincing!
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Reasons I Almost Dislike Birthdays
Okay, today is my birthday, and although I'm having a lovely day, there's some things I dislike about birthdays (did you maybe figure that out based on the title?)
1. I don't even like cake. So there goes the essential birthday event.
2. Don't you dare sing to me. I'm too awkward. Where do I put my hands? Should I make eye contact with you? Am I making a stupid face right now?! Oh, and I can feel myself blushing. Now I hate this even more.
3. Facebook posts. Stop lying! You don't care about me. You never talk to me at all the rest of the year. I don't want a bunch of pointless happy birthday messages if you don't mean them. Wait, yes I do. Okay, cross this one off the list.
4. I NEVER get puppies for my birthday, and this is unfair, probably, in some way.
5. Cards. They kill trees or something. I don't know. I just don't really like cards. That's that. I don't ever give them either, heads up. But please, if you're going to give me a card, use all the nice words you know, okay?
6. Pictures. It's basically a requirement to look good all day on your birthday because you never know when someone will stop by with a camera. (This is also the worst thing about cell phone cameras. Can't get away!) So sitting in a pile of cheesies in your underwear all day is unfortunately not usually an option.
7. Presents. Just kidding.
1. I don't even like cake. So there goes the essential birthday event.
2. Don't you dare sing to me. I'm too awkward. Where do I put my hands? Should I make eye contact with you? Am I making a stupid face right now?! Oh, and I can feel myself blushing. Now I hate this even more.
3. Facebook posts. Stop lying! You don't care about me. You never talk to me at all the rest of the year. I don't want a bunch of pointless happy birthday messages if you don't mean them. Wait, yes I do. Okay, cross this one off the list.
4. I NEVER get puppies for my birthday, and this is unfair, probably, in some way.
5. Cards. They kill trees or something. I don't know. I just don't really like cards. That's that. I don't ever give them either, heads up. But please, if you're going to give me a card, use all the nice words you know, okay?
6. Pictures. It's basically a requirement to look good all day on your birthday because you never know when someone will stop by with a camera. (This is also the worst thing about cell phone cameras. Can't get away!) So sitting in a pile of cheesies in your underwear all day is unfortunately not usually an option.
7. Presents. Just kidding.
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Taking "you look good enough to eat" to the Next Level
I don't know if you've been paying attention to the news (and if you haven't, stop reading right now and go live in a cave, because ignorance is most definitely bliss in this case) but honestly what is up with the increase of totally vulgar and disgusting crimes?! There are specifically four that come to mind here.
1. Guy chews off another guys face
2. Guy sends body parts to Canadian political parties
3. Guy disembowels himself and throws his insides at some cops
4. Guy kills his roommate and then eats his brain and heart
So obviously the best explanation for most of this is the zombie apocalypse. Duh.
Or maybe we should be blaming drugs. Or the psychological stresses of everyday life in America. Who knows if all of these things have anything in common. Are we breathing in a toxin that's turning us all into blood-thirsty lunatics?! Well, probably. Who knows how all the chemicals we've pumped into the air are mixing and effecting our bodies. Is our competitive nature really getting the best of us like this? (It's a human eat human world out there.) Are reality shows driving people completely mad!? Or is it all a big coincidence? (Secretly, this is my theory, although I like to pretend that I think people are just taking the saying, "you look good enough to eat" waaaay too seriously.)
I'm not going to address how disgusting and blah blah blah whatever this whole thing is. You can figure that out for yourself, I hope. If you don't see what's wrong here, then you're probably going to be featured on the news pretty soon as well. Hey, maybe it's the fame game that's making people crazy. ([eat] skin to win.)
Well, I've used enough bad jokes here, and I think you get the point. So goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the zombies bite.
Alene
1. Guy chews off another guys face
2. Guy sends body parts to Canadian political parties
3. Guy disembowels himself and throws his insides at some cops
4. Guy kills his roommate and then eats his brain and heart
So obviously the best explanation for most of this is the zombie apocalypse. Duh.
Or maybe we should be blaming drugs. Or the psychological stresses of everyday life in America. Who knows if all of these things have anything in common. Are we breathing in a toxin that's turning us all into blood-thirsty lunatics?! Well, probably. Who knows how all the chemicals we've pumped into the air are mixing and effecting our bodies. Is our competitive nature really getting the best of us like this? (It's a human eat human world out there.) Are reality shows driving people completely mad!? Or is it all a big coincidence? (Secretly, this is my theory, although I like to pretend that I think people are just taking the saying, "you look good enough to eat" waaaay too seriously.)
I'm not going to address how disgusting and blah blah blah whatever this whole thing is. You can figure that out for yourself, I hope. If you don't see what's wrong here, then you're probably going to be featured on the news pretty soon as well. Hey, maybe it's the fame game that's making people crazy. ([eat] skin to win.)
Well, I've used enough bad jokes here, and I think you get the point. So goodnight, sleep tight, and don't let the zombies bite.
Alene
This One's For the Health Nuts
This rant is brought to you by my cheese dust covered keyboard.
Okay, so I'm pretty sick of people telling me what I should and shouldn't eat. I know most people probably agree (unless you're those evil healthy freaks, in which case you've already scrolled down to the comment section to tell me I'm an idiot and my orange juice is going to kill me.) I'll eat what I want, okay?! I'm not fat, by any means (now, I'm not exactly Keira Knightly either. On that note, I could probably eat Keira Knightly in one sitting.) but I eat basically what I want. And what is it that I want to eat? The same thing everyone wants to eat, Pinky: pizza, popcorn, various cheeses, tacos and the occasional giant bowl of ice cream.
There's a few reasons why I genuinely don't give a flying fudgesicle about what all these health people have to say.
1. I'm not going to torture myself by eating broccoli all the time when I could be munching zesty cheese Doritos. This isn't to say that I don't like veggies, because they're pretty tasty. I've found very few foods that I do not enjoy. And I know that some people would call me stuffing my face with expensive chocolates and cheeses totally selfish because poor kids in Africa don't have food. Honestly people, I do my part when it comes to charity, so back off. There's no reason to eat something that I don't like, when that box of toaster strudel has opened up the freezer door to wave at me.
2. We're all going to die eventually, Dummy. No matter what you do, how you eat, how often you exercise, you're going to croak someday. And I DO NOT want my final thoughts to be, "Oh, crap, I wish I'd gotten a popcorn refill the last time I went to the movies. Extra butter."
3. Food is culture. I love to travel, and there's no way I'm going to not taste every local delicacy once or twice or until the whole plateful is gone. To understand a culture, you have to taste it (or that's what I tell myself after I'm laying in a food coma.)
Okay, so, let's sum this up. Ahem, food is good. Stop telling me I can't put ketchup on stuff (Dr. "Stupid" Oz.) Stop telling me orange juice is bad. I've been drinking it as part of a balanced breakfast my whole life and I like the commercials where the oranges do olympic events and junk. I don't always make the fattest choices. When it comes to pizza I prefer thin crust (although to be honest I would eat a pizza that had been dropped on the floor or sprayed with radiation.)
And I'm all cool with those of you who chose to live a certain way, and be all super healthy, just stop telling me about it. I honestly don't care, and the more you say about what I shouldn't eat, the hungrier I get.
Please note: I am NOT supporting the growing obesity is problem in North America. Clearly it is possible to eat what you want without looking like Majin Buu from Drangonball Z (It's a good reference, google it.)
Anyway, that's about all I have on that topic for now. (Just kidding. I'm positive you'll be seeing rants about vegetarian/vegans and people who won't feed their dogs dry dog food.) Don't forget to ask for double cheese.
Alene
Okay, so I'm pretty sick of people telling me what I should and shouldn't eat. I know most people probably agree (unless you're those evil healthy freaks, in which case you've already scrolled down to the comment section to tell me I'm an idiot and my orange juice is going to kill me.) I'll eat what I want, okay?! I'm not fat, by any means (now, I'm not exactly Keira Knightly either. On that note, I could probably eat Keira Knightly in one sitting.) but I eat basically what I want. And what is it that I want to eat? The same thing everyone wants to eat, Pinky: pizza, popcorn, various cheeses, tacos and the occasional giant bowl of ice cream.
There's a few reasons why I genuinely don't give a flying fudgesicle about what all these health people have to say.
1. I'm not going to torture myself by eating broccoli all the time when I could be munching zesty cheese Doritos. This isn't to say that I don't like veggies, because they're pretty tasty. I've found very few foods that I do not enjoy. And I know that some people would call me stuffing my face with expensive chocolates and cheeses totally selfish because poor kids in Africa don't have food. Honestly people, I do my part when it comes to charity, so back off. There's no reason to eat something that I don't like, when that box of toaster strudel has opened up the freezer door to wave at me.
2. We're all going to die eventually, Dummy. No matter what you do, how you eat, how often you exercise, you're going to croak someday. And I DO NOT want my final thoughts to be, "Oh, crap, I wish I'd gotten a popcorn refill the last time I went to the movies. Extra butter."
3. Food is culture. I love to travel, and there's no way I'm going to not taste every local delicacy once or twice or until the whole plateful is gone. To understand a culture, you have to taste it (or that's what I tell myself after I'm laying in a food coma.)
Okay, so, let's sum this up. Ahem, food is good. Stop telling me I can't put ketchup on stuff (Dr. "Stupid" Oz.) Stop telling me orange juice is bad. I've been drinking it as part of a balanced breakfast my whole life and I like the commercials where the oranges do olympic events and junk. I don't always make the fattest choices. When it comes to pizza I prefer thin crust (although to be honest I would eat a pizza that had been dropped on the floor or sprayed with radiation.)
And I'm all cool with those of you who chose to live a certain way, and be all super healthy, just stop telling me about it. I honestly don't care, and the more you say about what I shouldn't eat, the hungrier I get.
Please note: I am NOT supporting the growing obesity is problem in North America. Clearly it is possible to eat what you want without looking like Majin Buu from Drangonball Z (It's a good reference, google it.)
Anyway, that's about all I have on that topic for now. (Just kidding. I'm positive you'll be seeing rants about vegetarian/vegans and people who won't feed their dogs dry dog food.) Don't forget to ask for double cheese.
Alene
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)